And Then it Just Clicked...

As my family of 5 traveled in our mid-sized SUV up and out of the sweltering heat of the Florida sun, I could feel the cool air begin to refresh my creative energy. I could not wait to spend a whole week in the mountains of Georgia with other military and veteran families for a family-based retreat. We got closer and began to see some fall foliage. I was in my element again. I knew I was wide open and willing to receive any messages the universe had for me. I had pep talked myself numerous times, "Don't worry about what your spouse is doing.  You are only in control of yourself and how you react." I had to prep myself to not hold any expectations on how the week would go because whatever was to happen would happen with or without my internal dialogue turning negative on me and making it that much more difficult. I was done being my own worst enemy and I just really, really wanted to learn, grow and move on.

We spent a lovely 6 days and 5 nights connecting as a couple, and as a family. We are trying to change some traditions in our household. Things have gotten, well, sloppy, for lack of a better term. It was time to tighten up the ship so to speak. I know it was very important to my husband, so it was also important for me to be supportive. At the beginning of the week, my children had a hard time at the table in the main lodge where we all gathered to eat. They are ages 12, 6, and 4. My youngest two have gotten used to a much more lax eating style than I had intended to happen. I would let them eat picnic-style on the floor with a blanket and a movie on, rather than at the table. I noticed that it was bothering my husband and although it was "easier" for me - it didn't make it right! We really began to enforce this during our stay, and it was really impressive watching their manners change over the week.

It didn't occur to me as it was happening, but we were all changing a little bit. My husband and I attended a two-part class called The Oxygen Seminar, which empowers you with strategies to enhance communication, build empathy, resolve conflict and rekindle your romance with your spouse. It is meant to help each partner gain a better understanding of how your personalities impact your partnership, and how to better relate to one another. Out of 8 modules, we were instructed through 4, in a somewhat sped up time frame. Never having gone through anything like this before, it was interesting to participate and learn some things about myself and my spouse that I didn't know before, even after 10 years. I was, still, checking myself and making sure not to get caught up in what HE was doing, but rather what I was doing and how much I was taking from it. I was tuning into body language and facial expressions more. I was trying to maintain more eye contact.

Another class we attended was on understanding PTS. This is the class I had been waiting for. I need to better understand what my husband is facing internally in order for me to better change my reactions. When he doesn't share what he's feeling or thinking on the inside I have no way of knowing. The instructor let us all know that this class could potentially trigger some - they formed it in a way to make it less likely that could happen - but to be prepared. I could feel my anxiety heightening as I looked over at my husband and could feel his tension. I chose to again, check-in with myself.

We talked about two circles overlapping to make a section in the middle. The right circle is us, the left circle our spouse, where they meet in the middle being the relationship. This image stuck with me. The instructor stated how when looking at the circles if you are in a bad space your circle affects the relationship, which in turn muddles into your partner's circle. It was then that I realized something I had always known. I have my own circle, and he has his... he is responsible for his own trauma and pain, as am I. We needed to heal our own circles for our relationship to get better. I looked over at him, again, and he looked like he was drowning. I am so in tune with him that to anyone else in the room there sat a calm and composed man; however, I could see the room rushing with water for him. I had no idea WHY. It must have been something I did. No one else looked that way. Maybe I just didn't know them well enough? I was not sure; all I knew is that I needed a time out. I went to the bathroom alone to let a few tears trickle, wiped them away and got back to the room.

It wasn't until the next day at a couple's therapy session that I learned what was going on internally with my husband in that class. During the class, he shared that he recalled coming off of the plane from Iraq and being told that they all needed a debriefing on transitioning into the civilian world. How they were no longer in need of being/feeling threated. He told the PTS class that it caused him some intense internal struggle to come to terms with that debriefing. While he knew coming back to the USA was nothing like the places and things he experienced at war, he acknowledged that in a sense, it wasn't much safer. He recalled school and public shootings, and bad guys who wore the masks of good guys, right here in our back yards. There was another veteran in the class who refuted that the USA is NOTHING like the hell experienced in Iraq and Afghanistan. He went on some more, and my husband closed up. He felt misunderstood. There was a woman sitting next to him who continued to wave her hands around and this was giving him some anxiety. Before he knew it he was in a full-blown PTS attack. He spent the last few minutes of class standing in the back of the room on his 5th cup of coffee. I was worried. I was relieved to know that whatever look he had during that class didn't have to do with me, but mostly I was worried. I had no idea that those two things had gotten him so agitated. My thoughts started to trail, and feelings of hopelessness overcame me.

I stopped. I breathed...

 I kept the image of the circles in my mind. I requested that he work on sharing with me when he is feeling triggered. I want to be supportive, and I want to be the safe voice he hears when the PTS takes over. What clicked for me is that the weight of his wounds is not mine to carry. I needed to stop blaming myself. It was time that I look after my own circle because I was feeling the darkness carry over, and I wanted to keep a flicker of light, so I could see us both out of here.

They Also Serve

         

  “They also serve who only stand and wait,” wrote the poet John Milton in words he clearly meant in a religious context related to him coping with his blindness, but to others his famous quote conjures up images of spouses and other family members fretting about those in uniform far away – all too often in harm’s way. They too are serving our country and sometimes their service matches or even exceeds that of the ones on the front lines.

            To me, Milton’s lines refer to the spouses – most often wives – of service men who return from the battlefields in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria and other danger zones with missing limbs, massive burns, traumatic brain damage and all too often damaged psyches. We salute these wounded veterans, as is appropriate, but I think it also appropriate and long overdue that we should salute also their caregivers, usually their wives, who find themselves supporting their families and raising their children while at the same time caring for their damaged husbands.

            It should come as no surprise that many women facing this situation throw in the towel and sue for divorce. I have seen some disheartening statistics on the divorce rate among wounded veterans. But I have also seen many uplifting examples of wives who patiently work with their damaged spouses as they struggle to recover from terrible wounds incurred on the battlefield and never give a second thought to bailing out. And in truth I think those who have been hideously burned in explosions or who have lost legs and arms are relatively easy to love and care for than those who come back suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Often the victims of PTSD may bear little or no physical evidence of damage, but they are no less damaged on that account. They cannot sleep or get along with other people. They are all too often dependent on alcohol or drugs that serve only to exacerbate their condition.

            Many of those afflicted with PTSD find it virtually impossible to hold down a regular job and are often unreliable performing routine household chores such as performing basic repairs or taking care of children. For some reason, many of them hide out in their basements and refuse to answer the doorbell. Yet their wives must somehow keep the household going – earn the money, pay the bills, take care of the kids and also provide companionship and consolation to their damaged husbands.

            The term we use for these spouses – most often women – is caregivers and it is both appropriate and inadequate. Appropriate because that is what they do, but inadequate because it does not convey the cost and demands that such care entails. These women are no less heroic than their husbands, or less deserving of our appreciation and support. My organization, the Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes, has formed the Caregiver’s Alliance as an offshoot of our work to actively support those on the front lines of caring for the nation’s heroes.

            Simply stated, the mission of the Caregiver’s Alliance is to improve the quality of life for the caregivers of our nation’s combat-wounded veterans. We guide caregivers through all services available while identifying and filling gaps in those services, regardless of which organization is providing those services. We work with like-minded veterans service organizations (VSOs), government agencies and community initiatives to assure that the needs of caregivers are being met, both privately and publicly.  A key to our success is strengthening the care and compassion that caregivers share with each other, and to do all we can to support them.

            We have a leg up in this endeavor because many of the full and part time employees of the Coalition are themselves caregivers and thus know full well the scope of responsibility they bear on behalf of their husbands and their children. They know also that there is no set time limit built into their responsibilities. Their husbands may or may not make progress overcoming their impairments – physical and mental. They can expect little support from the government which makes periodic efforts to curtail the modest stipends some caregivers receive. The lucky ones have family support to ease their burdens, but that can vary and change over time.

            The wounded veterans do receive financial support and medical assistance, but at the end of the day most of their support comes from the dedicated caregivers. They are true heroes in their own right. They deserve our gratitude and appreciation and should be honored, along with their husbands, for their heroic service to our country.

By:

David W. Walker

President and CEO

Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes

A Glimpse Back Through Time- 200 Insights Into Post-Military Life

This post marks the 200^th installment of our Retiring Your Boots Blog- Real-life stories from wounded veterans and those that care for them. We (the Heroes Thanking Heroes Program Representatives) started this blog for many reasons but most importantly- To provide hope and healing for other wounded, disabled, & ill veterans & their families.

To provide Hope.  Maybe, someone out there is reading- and we are able to connect with them through our stories, our real-life experiences. If we’ve saved just one life, every post and documenting our journey was 100 % worth it.

To Heal. Writing is healing. Sharing parts of our stories that we’ve never been able to share can be healing. The Retiring Your Boots blog is a platform for our Representatives, an outlet for them to distress, to challenge themselves, and to feel like they are helping others, because they are.

A Glimpse Back in Time:

 About Us: The Heroes Thanking Heroes Program! Oh My, How we’ve grown! Taking it back to the very beginning, on our first blog post ever- you can learn all about us and our truly unique employment program. We also share more into the lives of the Urbany Family! Spc. Donald Urbany (Ret.) was severely wounded by a car bomb in Iraq in 2005. His wife and caregiver, Jennifer, has been the leading force behind our blog, making sure our stories are shared for you all to read! First Blog Post! May 2016

The great thing about our blog is everyone’s lives are so different so we have a variety of posts over the last 3.5 years. We hope you'll join us in reading back through these incredible stories!

Some are helpful or informational,

What Do I Do Differently? By Antoinette Batchelor, Our Veteran Circle Program Director

Expectations By: Elizabeth S.

5 Things You Should Know About Caregivers 

Some are inspiring,

I Don't Know How You Do It, I Know I Couldn't 

  

We advocate for better care and more understanding...

7 Years Legless

Veteran Strong: How 'Dr. Phil' Got It All Wrong

We share about the invisible injuries, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Traumatic Brain Injuries, mental health, blindness, & mobility...

Seeing Through the Blindness

Irreplacebly Broken

Invisible Injuries

We Survived

We also like to blog about our children- the little heroes and their resilience.

Little Boys and Lamborghinis

A Little Girl In a Great Big World

Even Sending Them Off to Boot Camp.. 

Please Time Slow Down

One thing is certain- Our Most Read Stories are the incredible Alive Day Stories shared directly from our heroes and their spouses!

For Those I Love, I Will Sacrifice: The Alive Day Story of J.D. Williams 

I'll Never Quit: The Alive Day Story of Donny Daughenbaugh

I'm Not Dead Yet: The Alive Day Story of Jim Batchelor

The Alive Day Story of Kevin Hanrahan

  

From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you for sharing these last 200 posts with us, we hope you’ll stick around- Hit the subscribe button- and Keep in Touch. We’ve got plenty more coming your way!

For more information on the Coalition to Salute America's Heroes or the Heroes Thanking Heroes program, you can visit our website at www.saluteheroes.org.  

Also, you can find us on Facebook, Instagram & Twitter!  Thank You Readers! 

It's been a year! I have my smile back!

It’s been a year!

One year ago, my Mom sent me a dental contest on Facebook. Because my Mom is one of my best friends, she hears all my insecurities, disappointments, and struggles. She knows all too well how I feel about my smile. I started to ignore it at first because I do not have time to get my hopes up and I have never heard of this Corporate Lakes Dental place. A few days later she asked me about it, again. I kind of blew it off “Yeah Mom, I’ll look into it when I get a chance.” She mentions there is a deadline to enter so I shouldn’t wait too long. “Ok, Mom, Thanks.” It laid on my mind so I went over the details in the post, beginning to get anxious thinking of sharing this horrifying part of my life that is obviously not a secret but, would take a lot for me to put on blast to the world. Plus, writing an essay about myself... Nah, I’m not good at talking about myself.

Over the next few days, it stayed on my mind; the possibility that this dream is in my reach? I mention it to a good friend, Ashlee, asking what she thought. I didn’t even get the full statement out of my mouth and she says,” Yes! Yes, I will help you! What do you need me to do?!”.  AHHH!!! My mind began to race and palpitations were inevitable. The thought of now having to follow through with actually attempting to receive this gift has now became solidified. What was I thinking?! I should have just ignored it and went on with my day.

I sat down and began to pour my heart into this letter which becomes a mild therapy session for myself. I was faced with how I got in this situation and bits of irritation at myself for being so complacent bubble up. But also, pride being reassured looking back over the years that I had been able to put myself aside and ensure my loved ones were taken care of above all else. That alone made it worth it no matter how miserable I may feel, they will always know they mean more to me than all else. I erased and rewrote a million times. Walking away and returning to it a million more. “What am I doing? You're just setting yourself up to be disappointed. Someone else needs it more than you. You can just work harder and save up and get it yourself eventually.” This and many other similar thoughts roll through again and again.

Doubt has completely set in so I start looking for reasons to NOT finish. I look and see where Corporate Lakes Dental is, and call my Mom telling her I am not going to make an entry because they won’t pick me, it’s too far. She insists I’ll never know unless I try. Just do it and forget it- leave it with God. OK, so that didn’t get me out of it. I call Ashlee with the same it’s too far I shouldn’t try. She gives me about the same statement; "you don’t know that. there are no stipulations on the post that state anything about what area it covers." I begin to get anxious again. I lean on Ashlee to read what I wrote, I know this just has to change her mind and she will then confirm that maybe it’s just not worth it. She tells me that if I do not submit it for myself, she is going to! With extreme hesitation, I send it in. I do not want to disappoint my Mom and my friend as they seem to have become very invested in this idea so, Here We Go!

I low key mention to my husband, Tony, “So, Mom found this contest on Facebook and I entered, if I win, I will get a smile make-over.”. Why did I tell him too? He’s now on the excited side with my Mom and Ashlee. What kind of mess have I gotten myself into? This is crazy! Why are they so positive about this? There is no way this is going to happen. I go on about my day, it keeps popping in my mind, so I reach out to a few of my close friends asking if they would help me win if I were chosen by the team as a finalist? I am greeted by even more exciting encouragement. “OF COURSE! Just let me know what I need to do. You deserve this!” Ok, I need to set it aside and welcome my kids home off the bus, start dinner, sign school agendas, and so on.

*Bing* My phone alerts me I have a new email. It’s from Corporate Lakes Dental. I suddenly feel very flush and nauseated. Should I open it? No. Not yet, reading a polite no will still hurt, just leave it. No can’t leave it, just get it over with like a band-aid. I can’t do it alone. I drag Tony into it. “Lovie, I got a response from that contest.” (Trying to speak calmly and breathe through this feeling.)

“And?”, he responds.

“I don’t know,” I say.

“You didn’t open it?” he questions confused.

“No, I couldn’t.” He can sense my distress with that statement.

“Girl, what are you worried about, God’s got you, either you got it or you didn’t and we just move on. Let’s go.”

I open the email.

Dear Lacy, Congratulations, you have been selected by our team as one of five finalists for our Smile Makeover contest. Thank you so much for submitting your compelling story and photos. We are honored at the trust you have already placed in us.

I can’t even read the rest through my now tear-filled eyes. I cannot believe what I’m reading anyway. I begin to shake and my Lovie hugs me telling me how happy he is for me, he is so glad I have a chance at this. I have to tell my Mom. I need to read the rest of the email. I should tell Ashlee. My head is spinning. I have to start the email from the beginning to make sure I read it correctly. Yes, that’s really what it says. I call my Mom and she is overjoyed. I have to tell her to calm down as difficult as that was, it couldn’t possibly be the hardest part, I have to get the most votes on social media now. That’s never going to happen. This doesn’t deflect her excitement at all. I call Ashlee, same thing, nothing but positivity! At this point, I come to the conclusion that I am either surrounded by crazy people or they are seeing something about this I am not.

The post is made on the Corporate Lakes Dental page about the finalists, I share it, and this is where things really start to just be insane. I am getting nonstop private messages. My oldest is posting about it on his Facebook. This is my Mom, she is a loving and caring woman she does so much for other people and lets herself get behind on self-care she really deserves this hope she wins I love her so much. My little girls are asking can they get a Facebook so they can help and asking their teachers at their school to go like it who are then messaging me in support. My church family embracing me in full hugs and compassion when I go to service, telling me they are sharing it all over. I pray you win, u r such an amazing and inspirational woman and I know first hand how "always put others first" is ur motto ur a beautiful and talented lady and you deserve this for sure. People I haven’t seen in years are commenting, liking and sharing. She is close guys we are going to all have to share share share!! Other veteran caregivers I have never met are being very supportive and sharing their personal stories with me. As a caregiver and mom, I can relate to putting yourself last. I really hope you win because you completely deserve it! My heart is filled and I am so happy I started this journey. Other contestants are sharing support as they are walking the same road, Your story is remarkable. I think you so much for your service and all you have done for our country. You seem like quite the caregiver and it’s about time someone gives back to you. You deserve it, lovely! However this ends, I’m honored to have ridden this side by side with you and all the other beautiful contestants.

Before we even know the results, I have a whole new outlook. I am on such an emotional roller coaster ride and I am just taking it in. I have to shut the notifications off on my phone because there are so many alerts going off at all hours. This is not at all what I expected starting this. It is like an entirely different reality playing out. People are messaging me telling me how they are following along. Lady! Have you looked at the numbers yet today? I am losing sleep watching this! I don’t know how you are getting any rest at all. All of my co-workers with The Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes are validating why I love this organization so very much, being overwhelming with support and love. You are such a beautiful person. It radiates from the inside out and touches many people. I hope that by receiving this chance and we are all praying you do. It will give you the confidence to carry out the amazing work you are already doing every day. Love and Laughter you are brave sharing your story. So proud of you.

Then to add fuel to the fire Corporate Lakes Dental shares they have a HUGE announcement! Talk about freaking out. I thought I had already been as far as I could go with that. The anticipation of waiting for that to drop was even bigger than entering and sharing all this in the first place. In order to help our 4 finalists, we have partnered with Kiene Dental Group, LLC, Studiosmile Orthodontics, Henry Schien Dental, Patterson Dental-Lenexa, KS, Invisalign, Cutting Edge Dental Lab and Implant Direct. Without their support, this level of help wouldn’t be possible. We are extremely grateful to our partners. Our top finalists will each receive... A Complete Smile Makeover!

I am now a year into this journey! It’s not over yet, I am only halfway there and I have already realized this was more of a blessing than just feeling better about the way I look. As we are working on fixing my dental issues, I have already gained so much confidence. But that is not the most important part. I have rekindled old friendships, made new ones, and realized I am and always have been my own worst enemy. I am guilty of judging myself harsher than I should, and seeing myself in a manner that others simply do not see. I am, and always have been very loved. This journey has brought new light to that for me. I have always known I am loved but this has helped me feel that on an entirely new level. I am worthy of taking time for myself. I should not feel guilty about self-care, in fact, I should be proud to take time for it as the ones I love so dearly need me to. They depend on me to be at my best even on my worst day and if I want to be everything I intend to be for them, this is what it takes. I obviously, did not enter this feeling brave. But, now that I have, I do feel brave. I walked into my first appointment and felt like at any moment I would wake up. Since then I have excitedly taken broad smiling pictures with my babies, family, and friends. I look forward to greeting random people and hopefully brightening their day with a huge grin. I still feel like I am in a dream and I hope that feeling never ends because I do not want to ever take another day for granted again. I look forward to the rest of this journey and all the lessons that accompany it. To all who have taken part in providing these lessons, I sincerely do not have the words to thank you enough for what you have done for me, you truly are more of a blessing than you will ever know.

-          Lacy Mullen, Veteran Caregiver & Heroes Thanking Heroes Representative

Dealing With Monsters

Dealing With Monsters

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder can be so unique to each of those who carries its weight in their lives. While academic research on the disorder certainly has its aides to understanding the struggle, to a large extent there is just trial and error wrapped in patience as you learn with time what it has done, is doing to an individual. Even if you are the closest one can be to another there is constant discovery.

After two wars with the United States Marine Corps I remember watching my husband’s story unravel into our lives a little piece at a time. A clue here, another clue there with weeks of silence in between. With over a decade of observations I could tell you a semblance of his story though I know there are many parts still locked away in his soul. It’s not that he doesn’t want to share it with me, he actually does, he has tried but despite all his strength (of which he has so much more than me) he just can’t push the words across his tongue. The attempts seize every muscle in his body and remind him of how trapped he feels. So, we let it go, keep pushing forward and focus on enjoying the small victories that come a little at a time here and there with so much time in between.

I remember in the first year after he came home from his second war, one of the clues that struck me the most, that let me know he needed help. My husband took me to the hospital for a minor injury that was easily attended. He sat in the chair in the hospital room while I was in the patient bed and we were waiting for the doctor to bring me some medicine and release me. From across the hall a small child was screaming loudly due to an emergency injury that needed immediate attention. I don’t know what happened to the young child, only that the child was young enough to not understand that the doctors and nurses that were rushing to her side and touching and pulling and attending to her injuries were indeed friends who were helping. Fear filled the child’s screams as she fought off those trying to help her. It took several hospital staff to assist in order to help the child in the necessary aide without harming her further.

My discharge was on hold while the doctors and nurses were helping her. I remember feeling bad for the young child that she was scared, no doubt in immense pain, and did not understand that those around here were helping her. Though I did not feel very concerned as she was obviously in the best possible place getting the care she needed. Then I glanced over to my husband who was waiting with me and being silent during the screams of the young child. She was still screaming, still fighting with the sense of urgency hanging heavy in the air of the hospital as staff attended to her. My husband’s whole body was locked in place, ever so slightly trembling with sweat rolling down his forehead. His eyes were intense and fixed on a point on the floor, I could tell he was no longer with me at the hospital.

Not sure what to do to help him, while the screams of the child continued in the background, I helplessly asked, “Are you okay?” Without looking at me nor moving a muscle, he barely pushed enough air through his pursed lips to quietly say, “Make her stop screaming.” My helplessness deepening, I tried explaining to him that the child was okay, that the doctors were helping her, but I could tell my words meant nothing and were mere washing over him as he was caught in the grip of his struggle with his monsters. He finally responded to me when I asked, “Would you like to leave? Wait for me in the car?”. Such an idea penetrated through and reached him, though just barely. He responded in the same still whisper as before, “No. I’m not leaving you.” I realized the only thing to do was wait with him as this moment passed. The doctors were finally able to pacify both the child’s fear and pain and got her settled into a calm sleep. At which point the doctor was able to come and finalize my release.

We first called these moments his struggle with his monsters when trying to explain to our very young children what was happening with daddy. I once heard a saying that went something like; we don’t tell children fairytales so that they know monsters exist, children instinctively know monsters exist, we tell them fairytales so that they know monsters can be beaten.

I remember our young son asking if it was okay for daddy to come with us on Halloween since there were going to be lots of monsters around. While he was no doubt confusing our metaphor in a way impossible for a young child to avoid, he was right that Halloween is difficult for our family. We go to great lengths to avoid crowds and interacting with strangers to keep a more tolerable environment for my husband to work on healing. As a father though, he does not want to take childhood moments such as trick or treating and community celebrations from his children, even if it means facing his own monsters in the process.

The biggest help in the realm of Halloween activities has been my husband’s service dog. Not only does his service dog help my husband with his anxieties during Halloween night, he also very literally helps to keep an eye on the kids, which my husband loves. Once we went to a Halloween party at a public library that we frequented. A librarian that knows my kids well and that had dressed up in a very convincing wicked witch costume was sneaking up behind them to give them a fun scare. My husband’s service dog put a quick stop to that! He noticed the dark figure coming up behind the kids (when we did not) and his bark of alarm echoed through the library, stopped her in her tracks as my husband’s service dog’s attention was directly on her, pointing to my husband his cause of concern. My husband’s service dog did not let anyone of questionable appearance near his pups. (I am most certain he thinks of the kids as his pups.)

It truly helps my husband during Halloween to have someone with him that is just as focused on security as he is. We also do a lot of preplanning around Halloween. The kids know they will definitely get to enjoy Halloween but only if it is preplanned giving my husband the time he needs to feel comfortable. We also do what we can to make the activities more pleasant than work, like using calving gloves to gut the pumpkins when we carve the jack o lanterns. Just as dealing with my husband’s monsters comes in little bits here and there, it is also the little things we do for each other as a family that helps him in dealing with those same monsters.

-        USMC Veteran’s Spouse & Caregiver