Dealing With Monsters

Dealing With Monsters

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder can be so unique to each of those who carries its weight in their lives. While academic research on the disorder certainly has its aides to understanding the struggle, to a large extent there is just trial and error wrapped in patience as you learn with time what it has done, is doing to an individual. Even if you are the closest one can be to another there is constant discovery.

After two wars with the United States Marine Corps I remember watching my husband’s story unravel into our lives a little piece at a time. A clue here, another clue there with weeks of silence in between. With over a decade of observations I could tell you a semblance of his story though I know there are many parts still locked away in his soul. It’s not that he doesn’t want to share it with me, he actually does, he has tried but despite all his strength (of which he has so much more than me) he just can’t push the words across his tongue. The attempts seize every muscle in his body and remind him of how trapped he feels. So, we let it go, keep pushing forward and focus on enjoying the small victories that come a little at a time here and there with so much time in between.

I remember in the first year after he came home from his second war, one of the clues that struck me the most, that let me know he needed help. My husband took me to the hospital for a minor injury that was easily attended. He sat in the chair in the hospital room while I was in the patient bed and we were waiting for the doctor to bring me some medicine and release me. From across the hall a small child was screaming loudly due to an emergency injury that needed immediate attention. I don’t know what happened to the young child, only that the child was young enough to not understand that the doctors and nurses that were rushing to her side and touching and pulling and attending to her injuries were indeed friends who were helping. Fear filled the child’s screams as she fought off those trying to help her. It took several hospital staff to assist in order to help the child in the necessary aide without harming her further.

My discharge was on hold while the doctors and nurses were helping her. I remember feeling bad for the young child that she was scared, no doubt in immense pain, and did not understand that those around here were helping her. Though I did not feel very concerned as she was obviously in the best possible place getting the care she needed. Then I glanced over to my husband who was waiting with me and being silent during the screams of the young child. She was still screaming, still fighting with the sense of urgency hanging heavy in the air of the hospital as staff attended to her. My husband’s whole body was locked in place, ever so slightly trembling with sweat rolling down his forehead. His eyes were intense and fixed on a point on the floor, I could tell he was no longer with me at the hospital.

Not sure what to do to help him, while the screams of the child continued in the background, I helplessly asked, “Are you okay?” Without looking at me nor moving a muscle, he barely pushed enough air through his pursed lips to quietly say, “Make her stop screaming.” My helplessness deepening, I tried explaining to him that the child was okay, that the doctors were helping her, but I could tell my words meant nothing and were mere washing over him as he was caught in the grip of his struggle with his monsters. He finally responded to me when I asked, “Would you like to leave? Wait for me in the car?”. Such an idea penetrated through and reached him, though just barely. He responded in the same still whisper as before, “No. I’m not leaving you.” I realized the only thing to do was wait with him as this moment passed. The doctors were finally able to pacify both the child’s fear and pain and got her settled into a calm sleep. At which point the doctor was able to come and finalize my release.

We first called these moments his struggle with his monsters when trying to explain to our very young children what was happening with daddy. I once heard a saying that went something like; we don’t tell children fairytales so that they know monsters exist, children instinctively know monsters exist, we tell them fairytales so that they know monsters can be beaten.

I remember our young son asking if it was okay for daddy to come with us on Halloween since there were going to be lots of monsters around. While he was no doubt confusing our metaphor in a way impossible for a young child to avoid, he was right that Halloween is difficult for our family. We go to great lengths to avoid crowds and interacting with strangers to keep a more tolerable environment for my husband to work on healing. As a father though, he does not want to take childhood moments such as trick or treating and community celebrations from his children, even if it means facing his own monsters in the process.

The biggest help in the realm of Halloween activities has been my husband’s service dog. Not only does his service dog help my husband with his anxieties during Halloween night, he also very literally helps to keep an eye on the kids, which my husband loves. Once we went to a Halloween party at a public library that we frequented. A librarian that knows my kids well and that had dressed up in a very convincing wicked witch costume was sneaking up behind them to give them a fun scare. My husband’s service dog put a quick stop to that! He noticed the dark figure coming up behind the kids (when we did not) and his bark of alarm echoed through the library, stopped her in her tracks as my husband’s service dog’s attention was directly on her, pointing to my husband his cause of concern. My husband’s service dog did not let anyone of questionable appearance near his pups. (I am most certain he thinks of the kids as his pups.)

It truly helps my husband during Halloween to have someone with him that is just as focused on security as he is. We also do a lot of preplanning around Halloween. The kids know they will definitely get to enjoy Halloween but only if it is preplanned giving my husband the time he needs to feel comfortable. We also do what we can to make the activities more pleasant than work, like using calving gloves to gut the pumpkins when we carve the jack o lanterns. Just as dealing with my husband’s monsters comes in little bits here and there, it is also the little things we do for each other as a family that helps him in dealing with those same monsters.

-        USMC Veteran’s Spouse & Caregiver