Something's Gotta Give

I am hoping in six months when this is all behind us, I will be laughing at this post. This is a definite reminder that as a caregiver we often forget that we are human and deserve a little grace at times. I want you to know that I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I made the decisions that you are about to read, I did not realize that I would be so hard on myself through the process. Here is a brief synopsis of the last few months to catch you up on my current situation.

My Husband Juan is a disabled veteran. He has a TBI, PTSD, shoulder injuries, no vision in one of his eyes and a recent car accident has added a back and neck injury, and re aggravation of the brain injury to the mix. We have a service dog in training who my husband is having difficulty training because of the new injury from the car accident. We have one car and three children to tote around also because of the car accident, our truck has been in the shop for over 4 months. I work outside the home 4 days a week and two of our three children attend therapy and have comprehensive medical things that keep me on my toes. On a regular week, I am a very busy lady to say the least.

Juan had to have surgery and couldn’t drive for 2 weeks which meant I had to adjust my work schedule for all drop off and pick up of the kids as well as all the appointment that followed Juan’s surgery. Luna our sweet service dog got a gestational infection that caused severe diarrhea and required 3 rounds of antibiotics. I got a call or email from all three kids’ teachers stating they had fallen behind in their classes or were having behavioral issues. I managed these notifications with an explanation on my Husbands medical situation and a plea that they just be understanding with the kids and a promise that I would get on top of their school work. I continued to try to tread the waters as all good caregivers do. Keeping quiet through the stress and crying in the shower so that no one would know how overwhelmed I was. I can do it all, it is just a matter of juggling the 24 hours in the day.

The next week Juan had to have spine injections for the fractured disk in his lower spine, again weeks of no driving. Our older kids were working and for the life of me I could not find anyone to help with the three little kids in case I didn’t make it home from the injection surgery on time. I am a strong independent woman and many times due to the brain injury I run the home independently with Juan running point for transportation of the children. This in itself has allowed me to work outside of the home for many years, and I did not realize how much I appreciated that small detail of our daily lives until this roughly six-week timeframe in our lives.


One day I found myself calling a dear friend that lives in Texas bawling my eyes out. I felt like I was losing my mind. I could see Juan’s medical care being neglected. My job performance was struggling. My children were struggling at school and I felt like everything was completely out of control. I was failing to juggle my job, my husband’s medical care, my children’s medical care and school schedule, and training this sick pup. All I could see were my failures and something had to give. Life is always more clear through someone else’s eyes and my friend helped me see that I am great at forgiving and giving grace to others and terrible at remembering I am also human. She also reminded me that we were at a crossing in life and it was time to prioritize. We needed to make some changes in life if we were not thriving- it was time to determine how that could be changed.

Juan and I sat down and decided that it was time to make the life changes we had spoken about in passing when things in life would get difficult. I need to be present in my husband’s care as well as make sure that my children are developing into functional members of society. I realized that I had put so much of myself into my work that I had placed my husband’s care on the back burner. I had only attended a mental health appointment over a large amount of time and there were things that had not been addressed because I had stopped attending his appointments. My children were not doing well in school and were starting to have behavior issues because I have put their needs on the back burner for my job. We sat down and realized that we had to make changes so that I could come home and get control of the situations in our life that needed my full attention.


In the midst of all the chaos that was ensuing, we decided to sell our home and move 1,100 miles from Colorado to Texas. Although this doesn’t sound like the perfect answer to the issues I just told you about, it is cheaper in Texas to live and I can stay home. This decision will change our lives, but the process of getting there requires my undivided attention. Selling a house is hard work. In between doctor appointments and trying to help the boss I have worked with for over eight years restructure her practice, I am having open houses and showing the house on a two hour window any time they request a showing. I am packing up my Husband, children, and dogs for five hours at a time while four of us have been diagnosed with influenza A. I am answering constant emails from the realtor and title company. I am hiring 2 new employees and creating step by step instructions on how to do my job. I am calling every doctor, teacher, and treatment facility to get records so that our transition to Texas is as smooth as possible. I am overwhelmed.


We are less than two weeks from closing on our house as I write this blog. I am packing and checking the final boxes of things I have to complete for this move. My Husband is playing golf on his phone, his version of stress relief. PTSD tends to rear its ugly head and cause many Veterans to shut down and or get angry and lash out during times of high stress. I am working hard to help my husband feel included and involved as we transition from the life we have known in Colorado to the life we need in Texas. I make sure that he has direction and purpose in this process so that in the end it is a positive experience for him no matter what I have to take on in the process. I am working hard to help everyone through this process and trying my best to give myself the same grace I give my Husband in times like this. There will be things that are put on the back burner because I am only human; however, I know that I am doing my best and at the end of the day- this too shall pass.

-Christy Perez, Veteran Caregiver

Veteran Strong: How "Dr." Phil Got It All Wrong

Dr. Phil, I am appalled. 

Appalled that you would give such terrible advice to a young, challenged couple and demand a decision be made for... You? Who ARE you?  I am the proud wife AND caregiver to a triple-amputee, disabled veteran who served in the United States Army and you are absolutely wrong.

Because I don’t recommend watching the episode, here’s the rundown-

A recent Dr. Phil episode featured Bailey, who has quadriplegia, and his girlfriend Harley who is the primary caregiver to Bailey. Clearly, the two were struggling with the challenges of their relationship, and I genuinely felt for them. I could sense the guilt in Harley’s demeanor that I often notice in my husband when he needs my help with a task a grown man should be able to perform, but he simply can not. 

“you’re gonna need to make a choice for me, and you’re gonna need to make it today. You can be his caregiver, or you can be his lover, you can’t be both.”

“this won’t work, it won’t kinda not work, IT WON’T WORK, 100 out of 100 times it won’t work.”

Wow Phil, I can’t even add the title “Dr.” after that completely ignorant statement. 

Consider me 101.

Because, it WILL work.

How do I know this? 

9 years ago, I faced an extremely difficult decision. As my husband laid in a hospital bed fighting for his life, I was forced to decide- 

“Would I be his caregiver forever?’

“How would I let this affect our marriage? 

“Is it possible to still love this man who I now have to help wash, feed, & walk?”

I’d like to be able to say that giving up was NOT an option, but my husband lost three limbs unexpectedly. We were in our early twenties with life plans, and we had a baby to care for. We almost failed because of statements like Phil’s, but we CHOSE both.

In my career, I am surrounded by severely wounded, ill, and disabled veterans, along with their families. Wheelchairs, canes, and prosthetics are a normal part of our daily life. The whole episode disrespectfully referred to disabilities as a “burden” and gives the false representation that people with disabilities are unworthy of love.  I didn’t watch Dr. Phil before, and I definitely will not be tuning in now. Ever.  

Bailey and Harley, take it from someone who knows…

Caregiving is not easy. For anyone. A child, a parent, a sibling, and certainly the spouse. There will be frustration. There will be arguments. Setbacks occur frequently, and some days, you just feel like throwing in the towel. 

Instead, I pick that towel up, fold it Marie Kondo style, put it in the cabinet for that relaxing bath I am going to need later and then I turn straight Lover mode. I climb in my husband’s wheelchair bound lap, resting my head on his shoulder, reminding him that I’m much more than a caregiver and together, We got this.

Why? Because the joy of our accomplishments far outweigh the challenges. 

I am my husband’s caregiver. But first and foremost, I am his Wife. His partner. I am Mrs. Will, my husband’s lover. I am 1 of the 100 that WILL make it.

-Ashlee Williams, Wife AND Caregiver to disabled veteran

10 years Strong! - J.D. & Ashlee Williams

Interabled Relationships do work.  The proof is in the photos.  Take a look at these veteran couples that are proving daily how everyone is equally deserving of love despite any diseases, illnesses, or physical limitations. We are defying your odds, Phil.  We are #VeteranStrong.

“He wasn’t supposed to live, and according to Phil, we’re not supposed to be a couple. We beat the odds together”. -Matt & Stephanie Owens 12 years and going.

"15 years together and still going STRONG" - Arthur & Denys Wells

"Almost 7 years married and forever to go!" - Joel & Tiffany Steinmann

"When he is my heart and I am his reason to pick up the pieces." - Lacy & Antonio Mullen, 14 years Strong.

8 years Strong! - Jack & Megan Zimmerman

"17 years and going Strong!" - Trey & Joy Marshall

Invisible Wounds

Sometimes, even physical wounds can be invisible.
 
Sometimes, my kids miss it and sometimes I do too.

There wasn’t an overnight miracle that happened and took the bullet out of Donny’s head.
In 15 years, he’s gotten really good at functioning while in pain and honestly, he’s in pain most of the time. Donny’s also gotten really good at masking what pain he’s feeling. He does routinely get chiropractic adjustments, he takes a new CBD product called Zilis Ultra Cell that was given to him by the CEO of company through a program they have called the Patriot Program. The adjustments and CBD oil help bring his pain down and he really likes them, but he still has some pain.

I can’t really imagine what it would feel like to have nerve damage and the whole tip of a bullet stuck in my head and I wouldn’t want to!

He knows that in the big picture his injury isn’t nearly as horrific as some of the heroes he works with. With warriors being burned severely like Shilo Harris or losing several limbs like J.D. Williams. Or even fighting to keep a small piece of vision like Hugo Gonzalez. Donny knows his injury could’ve been so much worse and he draws a lot of inspiration and motivation from the heroes above and some of the others he works with. He tells me all the time how awesome it is that some of these veterans have lost so much but their lives are still so full and positive.

Sometimes Donny will start rubbing his neck while we’re watching a show or driving. I don’t think he knows that I see this every time and I know why he’s doing it. It hurts my heart to think of the pain the bullet is causing or the ‘Eagle Syndrome’ condition that he’s developed because of the damage to the area. When its practical I always offer to rub his neck and he almost never says no when I do! I love being able to do something like that and to see the relief and gratitude on his face. He always thanks me for rubbing his neck and shoulders and I know if I didn’t stop for hours, he wouldn’t ask me to. When Donny gives Everleigh a bath I usually take her out because we’ve seen that the bending over required to fill the bath, wash her (15 + minutes of play of course) then take her out and get ready, put a lot of strain on his neck. He’ll occasionally do it anyways before I have a chance to come and offer. Usually though, when he does, it causes him to hurt for a while.

He’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t want to tell me about his hurting very much because he thinks it’s the same thing he’s been saying for years. I tell him “babe, with age and everything else it’s only going to get worse” and we both know that’s true. I love him more and more because of the strength he shows. Not just with his injury but with the love he shows our kids and with how much he pushed himself to be as normal as possible, even when it hurts him.

The best thing he can do (and kinda sucks at) is talk to me about how he’s feeling and what’s going on with him. I can’t know to do more for him if he’s hurting and doesn’t let me know. Like I said, sometimes me and the kid’s kind of forget that Donny had such a serious wound and that it causes pain and more problems all the time.

I’m so lucky to still have my husband - my kids’ father - my best friend and my veteran in my life. He completes us and we make him whole. I hope to share our life story 30 years from now with him still pushing himself, driving me a little crazy and loving me with all his heart.

Do you think he’ll get better at telling me what is really happening with him?

-Sarah D., Veteran Caregiver & HTH Director