Stand by Texas- Survive, Recover, Rebuild

Texas. At one point in my life, it was a place I called home and therefore a place that will always be close to my heart. I arrived there from Minnesota, only 20 years old, afraid and alone, but engaged to a man I loved. A man whose legs were taken as a result of the war we face in Afghanistan. For the next two years, Texas would be the place where I’d start my marriage, witness my new husband learn to walk again using prosthetic legs and meet some of the best people I’d ever meet in my life. It’s a place that taught me to be proud of where you’re from, to never ever give up, to put God and prayer above all, and that everything is “bigger” in Texas.

As I sit writing this, I glance up at the television screen. For several days it’s been streaming twenty-four hour live coverage of the horrific and catastrophic events happening across Texas. Hurricane Harvey hit Texas as a category four hurricane on Friday August 25th around 11pm EST.

With over 40” of rain across parts of Southeast Texas, wind speeds that reached up to 130mph, whole towns that are nearly flattened and life-threatening flooding, Harvey is going down in the history books as one of the most powerful and disastrous hurricanes ever.  The rain across Texas hasn’t stopped in days, leaving hundreds of thousands of residents afraid, desperate and homeless. Still, there are over 2,000 residents requesting evacuation daily in just the Houston area alone.

Pray for Texas. Pray for those stranded, separated from their families, for those risking their lives to rescue others, for those who have experienced total loss, and ultimately for those who have become victims to Harveys power.

If there is one thing I learned from my time in Texas it’s that nothing is stronger or more powerful than Texans themselves. Texas will survive. Texas will recover. Texas will rebuild.

-written by Megan Zimmerman
photo credit: Alyssa Schukar for the New York Times

The Darkness Amongst Us

As Barcelona mourns a recent tragedy, people from all over the world are mourning with them. Maybe they had close ties to the beautiful European city, possibly family there. Or, maybe they are mourning out of fear of what mankind has become. Not all of mankind, just those that have no passion for human life. These terrorists aren't racist. Their ultimate goal is to destroy the hearts of everyone in their path. This has shown in Barcelona as they plowed through Las Ramblas, injuring and killing citizens from over 30 different countries.
Their slimy tactics are causing darkness amongst our nations and darkness cannot be driven out by darkness. We must remain strong and vigilant and work together to turn the darkness to light.
It's hard to deny that we are the opportune target for tragedies just like Barcelona. When they come, they are not aiming at our people, but our people's spirits. We must not live in constant fear because then they have achieved their goal and darkness will be amongst us.
Chaotic rallies in Charlottesville prove our spirits are weakened so we attack each other just as they wish. Our children need to be taught love, kindness, and compassion for life for they are the ones that will influence generations to come.

A Little Girl In a Big World

My favorite time of the year is in full force. School is back in session, our family is back on schedule, and I finally have my peaceful mornings back. Don’t get me wrong- I absolutely love spending time with my 7 year-old daughter. We are besties, soul mates, the prototype of what a mother daughter bond should be.

BUT… I. NEED. QUIET. I need a break from the constant distraction of that sweet little voice that calls me “Mommy” who I love so incredibly much.

We have a special bond. Through her Dad’s deployment when she was a baby to the time he spent recovering in the hospital after he lost his limbs, we have been side by side through it all. I hauled her around Fort Sam Houston in a baby carrier on my back through hospitals, recovery centers and the hotels or small apartments we happened to be rooming in at the time. That baby carrier was the best damn thing ever made. Sometimes I worry that she missed out on a “normal” childhood, but then I look at the beautiful, brilliant, healthy adult-like child asking me to help her make a slime machine for the 5th time in a day and I just would not change one single thing about her.

People often refer to a Veteran’s injuries as an event. A specific time in life. I even catch myself saying, “After my husband’s injuries….” This isn’t the case. Instead, it’s a life-long journey, one that never ends. For my family, we are at peace with that. Sure, my husband would love to have his 3 limbs back. Most days he’s content with how far he has come, and then others the reality sets in and anxiety takes over. We’ve learned to plan ahead, avoid large crowds, always and I mean ALWAYS have a back up plan regarding the wheelchair. This is our life now, and it’s no different for our child. She’s unique and will always have a beautiful story to tell.

It’s the first week of second grade. I didn’t cry on her first day this time. My queue to leave happened fast when I got the ‘Relax Mom, I’ve got this’ glare. When did she grow up? I know that in the blink of an eye, this Mom will be ugly crying as I have a college graduate eager to create her own ending to an already unique story.

-Ashlee Williams

The Family We Make

The Family We Make

One of the huge struggles facing veteran families is the loss of community experienced when they leave a military base or installation. It is suddenly going from a community of support out into the big wide world where civilians cannot possibly know the life you live.

It can be something as simple as the language used in military households, the terminology, the acronyms, the everyday shorthand that only someone who grew up in or has lived in a military house can understand.  Simple things like this can make a family feel isolated in their new community and make it difficult to build friendships outside of your common lifestyle.

These issues can be compounded 10-fold when a veteran leaves service with Post traumatic stress or a TBI. Both injuries can cause a change in personality that is not easy for the veteran, the spouse or their extended family to understand. This can often lead to a breakdown in what may once have been a solid relationship with in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins or siblings.

The service man or woman who entered the military is not the one that leaves. There is suddenly a new person to learn, and while the family may love the veteran, many times they find it difficult to build a new relationship with them on any deeper level outside of weather patterns and football scores. A cousin they spent their childhood summers with may no longer be comfortable around the veteran whose life prospective has changed.

This change can come in many ways, often times our service men and woman develop gallows humor. The ability to laugh at and make light of uncomfortable subject matters and events. What grew as a protection mechanism while in service becomes a barrier in the civilian world. And is often construed as inappropriate, offensive or lacking empathy when in reality it’s battle armor to protect their souls from the horrors of the world. If they can laugh at it, they can’t be hurt by it.

 Barriers between veterans and their non-veteran families can also pop up in other ways. A Father with PTS may experience hyper vigilance that extends to his children, a constant preparation for danger and need to be in control of a situation may make extended family members and friends feel that the veteran does not trust them with the safety of their children, when the truth of the matter is they don’t trust anyone.

Some veterans with a Traumatic brain injury may exhibit symptoms closer to what could be found on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. An obsessive nature that drives them towards certain subject matters. My husband obsesses over politics and policy - If you want to speak with him its best to have some background in this, or some time to sit and listen to a lecture. It’s what he knows and I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, it’s what he wants to discuss. It’s a safe topic for him.

Other times family members may find themselves at a loss on what they can talk to their veteran about – After the military some veterans will find themselves in a place where they no longer care about what they would consider trivial things. An emotional numbness can make a veteran seem callous and lacking empathy or excitement. This could lead to family members no longer wanting to share life’s important events with a veteran.  When a graduation, an engagement, the pending arrival of a child does not always inspire in them the excitement one would hope for when sharing good news this line of communication can also tapper off.

 Because of entertainment media and dramatizations some family members may be scared around a veteran, they may be worried that they could set them off in a way that would result in an explosive outburst so find themselves backing away instead of learning the best ways to communicate. While some veterans do have explosive outburst in certain situations most of them are aware of their triggers and if asked in a manner showing genuine concern and not just a need for gossip fodder will be accommodating in telling you what to avoid.


However, despite the best of intentions this disconnect in a family will often lead to estrangement and will exacerbate the isolation of a veteran family. So, many of us build our own.  We are incredibly lucky that Jim’s family is one we can count on when we need them and we are doubly blessed to have been able to create our own family by surrounding ourselves with men and woman who understand the path Jim has walked, because they’ve walked it themselves, or are prepared to get to know the man he is now, and love and accept him for that, gallows humor, obsessive compulsions, inappropriateness and all.


Several Years ago, we had decided as a family that we would in an attempt to bring our family closer to God and began to attend church. I didn’t expect much to come from it, an hour on Sunday morning, and we could feel good in the fact that we did our Christian duty. God had other plans and placed us in a church full of the most wonderful humans I have been blessed to meet. I didn’t hold out much hope when we joined of building any sort of long lasting relationships with these people we sat beside in the pew.

But from the very first day they made us welcome. Jim has a hard time meeting new people, especially people who don’t understand his injuries or the personality traits he now has. When we were invited to begin attending Sunday school and life groups at our church I was apprehensive to say the least. These people don’t know Jim, they don’t know his story, they don’t know what he’s like or how to handle him.

His anxieties had transferred to me, and with what I considered a stroke of genius at the time I decided to write the associate pastor of the church an email. Because in my mind, this group of what I assumed were judgmental civilians needed to be prewarned about my wonderful, incredibly intelligent, often inappropriate husband.  The email, still saved in my outbox read as follows.

B, 

Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to us about the life groups this morning, we are very interested in joining the one you hold next week. I did want to take the opportunity to first let you know a little about my Husband Jimmy. I have found after nearly 7 years of marriage and care giving it is easier to prepare people in advance instead of on the spot about Jims disabilities so that there is no awkwardness around some of his quirks. 

In 2004 while in the infantry Jim was deployed to Iraq and was caught up in combat shortly after his unit arrived in Sadr City. Jim was shot between the eyes by an Iraqi insurgent and as a result of this Jim suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress and a Traumatic Brain injury. 

Because of the TBI Jim as a very bad short-term memory, some people can take this as rudeness if they are not aware of it. He will not remember names, and may have to be reminded a dozen times as to who someone is even if he has met them several times before. He will eventually store it in his long term memory, but it is a lengthy process. 

Jim also processes social queues a little slower than other people and he can sometimes express a response to others emotions that is taken poorly by those around him. For instance, in a situation where he should express sympathy or empathy he may instead inject (sometimes awkward) humor into the conversation or redirect the subject to one he is comfortable discussing. 

Jim is highly intelligent but the damage to his frontal lobe can sometimes cause him to become fixated on one subject and he has difficulty deviating from it.  

Most of the time he is very good at bluffing his way through social events but we like to warn people in advance if they are going to be in a situation where one on one conversations will arise in hopes they will be a little more understanding of his sometimes awkward behaviors. It has in the past been a road block to him forming personal relationships with people and we are currently working to find ways around that. 

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask. 
We look forward to seeing you next Sunday.

Sincerely

Pretty clever, right? Prepare them in advance, the response I got from B was a quick note, thanks for letting me know, I didn’t notice anything different with Jim, but I appreciate the heads up. We will pray for him.

Over the last several years I have often thought about how silly that email was, because first if there is anyone I can trust, I can trust B to take no nonsense from Jim, ever, he will call him on it every time despite never having been in the military and second this group of people I now call my family don’t see Jim as a diagnosis. They never did. I did. It was me that didn’t trust people. I was the barrier, in my desire to first protect my husband and second protect what I saw as delicate civilian sensibilities I forgot to trust the good in the world. I forgot to trust God to put the people we needed in our lives. We built our fence, we closed our curtains, and we peaked out the windows and saw only ignorant civilians instead of human beings willing to learn and that was our blindness not theirs.

When I started writing this blog I have planned to tell you about the families we have created for ourselves from other military families. The friendships and brotherhood and sisterhood we have forged from a common past. I was going to tell you about how my work with the Coalition to Salute Americas Heroes has given us a family bigger than what we ever thought possible, because these people get us. And they do! They get us. If I’m struggling help is just at the end of my phone line, a dozen other caregivers would call me in minutes if I needed help.

A veteran for Jim to speak with is a text message away. We have built a family in the Coalition that is prepared to drive half way across the country to support each other and it’s a wonderful amazing thing and one I wouldn’t trade for the world.

 But …. The truth of the matter is, we can build our families out of more than those who we share a common past with, if we trust in humanity and tear down that barrier we helped build. If we tear down the wall that has “us” on one side and “Them” on the other we can experience love and community and acceptance and then we can educate and in the end, the acronyms, and the shorthand and the inside” you’ll only get if you’ve been a soldiers wife” jokes don’t matter anymore. I promise, if we can just open the windows, and answer the phone, and attend the life group, you will see there is a world of people out there, with a world of love to give who want to, desperately want to, find a way to connect with us that isn’t just a quick “Thank you for your service’ in the Walmart checkout line.

After note - While publishing this blog and adding some pictures I came across an unexpected conundrum. We had too much family to choose from for just one image. Every picture here represents a group of people who love and accept our family. Some of them are biological, some are biblical, some have walked the path he has, and some walked it long before he thought of walking it, and all we had to do was open the door. 

A Day on The Water

Knowing for months that my family was going to get a surprise visit from the Heroes Thanking Heroes team was tough to keep secret, but awesome.

I knew that Jim & Juan would be coming and I thought how cool it would be to get them out on the water, fishing pole in hand. We made the plans and were at a friend Johnnies house before sunrise. Our plan was to fish the bay using croakers, a small bait fish that makes a croaking noise underwater. We loaded up and hit the water about 6:30 heading towards the Galveston Bay near Texas City.

The first fish in the boat is Jim's. It's a small, beautiful silver and yellow finned fish called a pompano. They're rare to catch in the bay but I think it's awesome because the first an only time I caught one was with Johnnie about 5 years ago and even then, Johnnie was surprised because they aren't part of the normal catch.

The next fish is Juan's. It's a fish I'd heard of but never seen, especially in the bay. He caught a cool looking Spanish Mackerel. It has sharp, long fins and a mouth full of teeth! What am I thinking? Everything in the bay has teeth. I'm thinking how great it is that these two wounded veterans, who are great friends to me are here, fishing saltwater catching fish and enjoying a beer. The water is so calm and we have a nice breeze blowing that it couldn't get any better for relaxation and reconnecting.

As we're hitting a slow spot in our fishing we see a pod of dolphins slowly swimming around our fishing area and Juan, Jim and I think how cool that is! Johnnie, our fearless captain knows that if dolphins are near, the fish we hope to catch are gone, apparently, they like flounder, reds and trout too, we move on.

We move under the I-45 Causeway bridge after getting pelted with rain (not fun on a boat doing 30 mph) but we survive, we do get rained on again later that day and consequently baked nearly to a crisp.

We fish a few other spots and have some luck. Johnnie catches some really cool looking redfish (a "Midas touch" golden colored redfish) and a couple of trout. We aren't filling the boat cooler with keepers but were sharing stories, poking fun at missed fish and stolen bait and having a good time. I laugh audibly to myself as I watch Jim put a fresh shrimp on his line, he casts and his fresh bait flies 20 feet past where his line lands. Shrimp gone, reel in and start over but I've done it too.

We've now had breakfast burritos, a few beers, a few fish that got away and a few keeper trout as we point the boat back towards Tiki Island, where we launched from. We get the keepers cleaned (mine ;-)) and head for home. The smiles, the stories and just the peacefulness of it all makes me look forward to the next time I can get out on the water. Jim hadn't fished in over 10 years and it'd been that long since Juan had fished salt water. I love that we could have this experience together and though I wouldn't say it while we were out on the water, I enjoyed watching Juan and Jim trying to & catching fish more than I enjoyed catching my own!

I can't wait to get back out on the water, fishing pole in hand.

National Purple Heart Day

National Purple Heart Day

In honor of National Purple Heart Day, I started gazing through photos from the bittersweet ceremony of my husband’s pinning.  It was a day that I will never forget. November 6, 2010, also my daughter’s first birthday.  I had the entire party planned.  It would be a perfect first birthday full of food, family, and celebration but most importantly her deployed father was scheduled to return home on mid-tour leave from Afghanistan to celebrate with us.

We had no idea that this day would turn into so much more than a birthday celebration….

Only 3 weeks earlier, we had packed a suitcase and darted to Texas, none of the birthday decorations, presents, or plans able to fit along with us on our rush out.  My husband was fighting for his life and I was fighting to make sure my daughter and I could be by his side.  I knew that is what he needed in that moment.  He needed to see the many reasons he still had to live… the birthdays we would celebrate, first days of school, the father daughter dances.  He needed to be here and I needed him here.  

We ate cake and ice cream from the 4^th floor of San Antonio Military Medical Center.  The hospital room was filled with family, friends, hospital staff that had already became family, and so much love that our one year old had no idea how blessed she was.  Brig. Gen. Joseph Caravalho Jr., commanding general of Brooke Army Medical Center, presented J.D. with his Purple Heart medal.  It was a proud day even though we had never wanted to experience it.

First created August 7^th, 1782, the Purple Heart medal is awarded to those wounded or killed while serving in the United States Armed Forces as a result of enemy action.  It’s meaning makes it clear why no soldier ever wants to receive it.  The exact number is unknown, however it is estimated that more than 1.8 million Purple Hearts have been presented since 1932.  Although we don’t celebrate having it, my husband’s medal is proudly displayed in our home as a reminder that every day is a new opportunity.

Electronic Detox – Day 1

We did it. We sat down our 6 (nearly 7) year old today and explained to him that we were packing up the video games and electronics in the house and they were going to be put away.

We are hoping to stick to it this time. We’ve tried it on lesser scales before and they have found their way back in to daily life. Especially when you are in Texas and it’s summer. It’s too hot to be outside, and you work from home and you just need them to be quiet for 30 minutes while you finish this conference call, please…just…here…play the Xbox. Combine it with a Veteran who suffers from PTSD and a TBI who just needs a few minutes of not being jumped on, add in a couple of international flights, some long car rides and church on Sunday mornings when you just need them to sit still for 45 more minutes so you can hear the preacher without them demanding to know if it’s time to go yet and suddenly game boys, and tablet computers, and cell phones are mana sent from heaven to make your life easier.

Until they don’t – The Xbox needs to download an update, the battery on the tablet is dead, the game boy isn’t recognizing the cartridge and you no longer recognize the child in front of you. Recent studies have shown that in young children addiction to video games and electronics can be as hard to break as a drug or alcohol addiction and the symptoms can be just as scary. Especially in a child so young.

I get it… The world is a technological one. In order to succeed in this world our children are going to have to know how to use a touch screen, connect up devices, create an excel sheet and navigate video chat and that’s at a minimum! Our technology changes every day and we want our kids to have a head start on everyone else, we want them to have the best chance to succeed in the world but there comes a point where we have to stop thinking about the future men and women they will be, and start thinking about the children they are today.

 I remember being a teenager and the internet was a new and marvelous thing, and my mother telling me I couldn’t stay up till 5am chatting and playing neo pets (I had a Shoyru named Zippo. He was awesome) and the outright tantrums I would throw about it. It would on occasion make me feel physically sick. My head would hurt, I’d be anxious, Pacing, my stomach would knot up, I would be irritable, and angry and I’d do just about anything to be allowed back on that sweet sweet dial up and I was 14 – 15, far more equipped to deal with those feelings than a 6 year old and here I can see the exact things happening in my child. Except its worse because technology reaches into every aspect of our lives. Its transportable, he can turn off the xbox and open mine craft on his tablet while we travel to the store and if we don’t have a data connection he can pull out his game boy and play any number of games. He can go to his bedroom and watch youtube videos without his little brother climbing on him. Gone are the days of shared family computers that sit in the living room where your dad can see everything you are doing, and you better get off by 6pm because he’s expecting a call and after that it’s your sisters turn. And it takes 36 minutes to illegally down load a song from napster provided no one interrupts the connection (not that I would have ever done that of course)

It was hard explaining to him, that this isn’t a punishment, that he isn’t in trouble, that we love him and just want him to be healthy and learn all the things little boys should learn and that his electronics stop him from having fun. There were some tears, and I’m sure as things continue there are going to be some more especially when he realizes this isn’t a temporary for today only change. So wish us luck, because I have the feeling we are going to need it not just for him, but for us as well. We are going to have to be far more engaged as parents and work on our patience in ways we haven’t before.

Real Housewives of Amputee Life

Ashlee Williams and Megan Zimmerman are both caregivers to wounded Veterans.  They both have their own incredible stories and have become best friends throughout the recovery process of their husbands. Ashlee is a team lead with the Heroes Thanking Heroes program. Megan is a fellow for the Elizabeth Dole Foundation.  Having people in our lives that truly understand the trials and hardships we face is very important.  Hear more from them this month on how they’ve dealt with life after war.

I’m Ashlee, also known as J.D.’s wife. That’s right, the girl you might not have noticed because you were so intrigued by my husband’s body.  I get it. There aren’t many triple amputees out there so when you finally come face to face with one, reality hits and you start thinking of how you would survive if you were forced to be in his shoes (totally generalizing here, he doesn’t even have feet).  You express your gratitude and appreciation to him and shake his hand.  If you’re not too busy, you strike up a conversation with him and soon come to the realization that you are talking to an incredible human being, a true hero.  You walk away smiling because you see that even the worst of situations can be overcame and your bad day wasn’t quiet as bad as you thought it was.  What you might not have noticed is that I am also smiling as you walk away because I know the journey behind the happiness you see. 

My whole life changed in an instant.  Before deployments, the Army prepares spouses for 2 scenarios- the return of our soldier, or the return of our soldier in a casket.  I may not have been on the battlefield with him but worrying became my lifestyle.  The idea that my husband may come home without 3 of his limbs not once ever crossed my mind-until it happened.

We spent months in the ICU and hospital wards, went through numerous surgeries, more extensive amputations, skin grafts, and wound care.  There were happy days...

and there were horrible days.  I won’t sugarcoat it. My husband was angry.  Coming to the realization that everything is different now quickly began to eat away at him.  At the time, our daughter was 11 months old.  For the next 2 years of her life, she would be dragged around hospitals and recovery centers all while living in a hotel or small apartment.  Trying to grasp on to any sense of normalcy we had left, I pushed forward each day unsure how I was going to make it through the next.  Worry and fear consumed me. Too hardheaded to ask for help from the numerous family and friends offering it, I let myself get so consumed into making sure everyone else was okay, that I forgot about ME.

After living in Texas for 2 long years for recovery, rehabilitation and retirement, I was certain that I would feel settled once we were back home in Kentucky.  That just wasn’t the case.  We were spending every waking moment together with no want to get out and do anything.  Even going to visit family felt like an impossible task.  Though his military career would always be apart of us, the question of “What’s next?” gloomed over us daily and the uncertainties spiraled me into an overwhelming state of anxiety and depression.

Since my husband was injured back in 2010, I have had the opportunity to meet hundreds of caregivers, some have even became close friends.  Each year, I am beginning to see more and more acknowledgement and credit given to these individuals who make their own sacrifices for the well being of our Military Veterans.  Caregivers are being noticed, advocated for and most importantly, appreciated. I’ve grown from being that invisible girl behind the chair full of uncertainty to an advocate for others and a voice. A voice for all caregivers that are overwhelmed with life and the obstacles we’ve had to face.  How did I overcome?  I found something for ME.

I began working for the Heroes Thanking Heroes program in 2013, about 9 months after our return home to Kentucky.  Going from working full time prior to the explosion to being a stay at home Mom and Caregiver was a huge adjustment for me and in large part the cause of my anxiety and depression.  I needed to work. But that would require me to leave the house for extended periods of time and the idea was to remove the worry and stress from my life, not contribute to it.  I began to research jobs I could do from home and came across the website for the Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes.  I immediately applied for the HTH program and soon became apart of a truly amazing family.  

Being able to work from home and around Dr.’s appointments and school schedules is truly a blessing, especially for us caregivers.  We often don’t choose to be jobless, that is just one of the many sacrifices we sometimes have to make.  There are no other programs out there similar to the Heroes Thanking Heroes program but there is a huge need for this type of assistance.  While the income is helpful, the relationships I have built through the Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes and the opportunities I have been given have truly saved my life. The confidence I have gained has helped to make me a better wife for my Veteran and a better Mother to our child.  Once I was happy in my own life, I was able to support and encourage my husband on his endeavors.  

His endeavors- Because everyone wants a happy ending to a story, right?  Every day I watch him inspire at least one individual, some days even more.  He never lets his injuries hold him back from something he wants to do.  He is an avid outdoorsmen that has used the outdoors as his own therapy.  Now, he uses his experiences to help other Veterans in their battles after war through an organization he founded, Mohawk Outdoors.  He recently became an ambassador for the Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes and a board member for the Sportsman’s Foundation for Military Families. He amazes me every single day. 

So, this hero that inspired you today… just imagine if you knew our whole journey.

*******************************************************

My name is Megan Zimmerman. For six years now, I’ve been the “girl behind the wheelchair.” In 2011, my husband, Jack Zimmerman was severely injured while deployed in Afghanistan. He lost both of his legs and most of the fingers on his right hand. At the time he was injured, we were newly engaged. I was 20 years old, from a sheltered small town in Minnesota, a sophomore in college, living in a dingy apartment and working a minimum wage job. What should have been some of the happiest days of my life; planning a wedding to the man I loved, thinking about where we’d live and if we’d one day have children, turned into long surgeries, sleepless nights in a plastic recliner next to his hospital bed, sponge baths and wound care.  I looked at the sleeping man in the hospital bed, who just two weeks earlier had gotten down on one knee and asked me to be his wife and hardly recognized my life. But that is just it… this was my life now and I had a decision to make. Would I stay beside him throughout the many surgeries, obstacles and difficult days to come or would I walk away?

Two months later, Jack and I were married during a very private ceremony with our parents and siblings alongside us.  Our wedding day was perfect in every way. We recently celebrated six years of marriage. 

I had made my decision, to stay beside the man I loved, in sickness and health. I vowed to be faithful to him and to help him every day of our lives. The next two years would test our marriage in every possible way; twenty plus surgeries, a year of chauffeuring him daily to appointments, meetings, and therapy. The heartbreaking news that due to his injuries, we would never have our own children. Wound care and dressing change up to 8 times a day. Helping him go to the bathroom, brush his teeth, shave, shower, apply deodorant, get dressed, and transferring to every surface. This on top of attempting to maintain my “wifely duties,” keeping us fed and in clean clothes while living out of various hotels and apartments, trying to make each a home. As if the odds of successful marriages in the military were already against us, add in all the other stressors we were facing in our young marriage and it seemed we would be doomed from the start. We had days of wedded bliss and days that we fought for hours, but through each day we maintained the deepest love one can imagine and enough pride and sacrifice from one another to get us through.

We relocated to Texas where top of the line facilities were located for amputees to learn to walk using prosthetics and to learn to live a new life. The days were so long for me. I was lonely, frustrated and felt I had no personal identity. That was about the time I met Ashlee Williams. Ashlee’s husband JD, was much like my husband Jack. They were both infantrymen from the 101st and enjoyed hunting, fishing and being outdoors. Ashlee and I immediately clicked and quickly became the best of friends. We were inseparable and the four of us (five including the Williams young daughter) had many long talks about our unique situations, dinners, drinks, birthday celebrations and so much more during our time in Texas. They became our family while we were there. 

Still, I longed for something that I could do for myself. I made the decision one year after Jack was injured to go back to college. It was a long road and at times very difficult for me to find a balance between being Jacks caregiver and wife and also being a student, but I’m extremely proud to say I have graduated with my bachelor’s degree in communication studies. Being a student again gave me an identity that I longed for since Jack was injured and I quickly learned that my entire life could not be put on hold any longer. I needed to find things that made me happy. Hobbies, friends, working out, activities, anything! 

Finally, Jack was medically retired from the U.S. Army. We said goodbye to the Williams family, packed up the belongings of our first two years of marriage together and moved home to Minnesota. One week before we moved home, I learned that despite being told we would never be able to have our own children, I was pregnant with a baby boy. We welcomed our son William to the world in May of 2013 and his brother Benjamin followed shortly after in October of 2014. 

Now a caregiver, wife, and new mom, I started searching for a way that I could make an impact on other caregivers and share my long journey with them. The Elizabeth Dole Foundation was my answer. The Elizabeth Dole Foundation is an organization that supports the 5.5 million military caregivers across our nation. The foundation was founded in 2012 by Senator Elizabeth Dole and works with leaders in the public, private, nonprofit, labor and faith communities to recognize military caregivers service and promote their well-being. The foundation works to empower Americas’ military caregivers by raising public awareness, participating in research and significantly impacting lives. 

My husband has been extremely supportive of me as I’ve tried to map out what my life will look like now and what will make me happy. Jack has found his passion in training hunting and service dogs and now has his own training business, Blue Cord Kennels. Our marriage is strong, our children are happy, Jack is healthy and we are living a life where we are proud of his service and sacrifice and proud to be Americans. 

I challenge each of you to stop being the girl behind the wheelchair. Get out there. Find a hobby, do something you love, advocate for a cause, volunteer for something you’re passionate about, and over all, ask for help when you need it!