Finding the Time, Sometimes Making the Time.

Self-care is something that is so important but seems to always be on the bottom of the “to-do” list.  Being a caregiver, wife, and mother plus extended family with serious illnesses as well, it is very easy to just keep trucking along. There is always a situation or someone who needs help. I am always going above and beyond because they rely on me, as it should be.
However, it is also very easy to burn out at that rate. I just recently found I was a few months past this when I should have taken time to reflect and quiet the fast pace my life tends to travel on. Getting the babysitters a plan A ready, and a plan B (just in case) can be taxing. In the end, when I know all of my people are well taken care of, that is the mindset I can relax in. I made my plans, booked everything at the best rates from the budget I had saved and was off before the sun came up. I did not go that far. Far enough to have space with no schedule or people that needed my attention. I tried staying away from technology… it worked for the most part but since my kids also like to stay connected, I checked in with them a limited amount. Placing boundaries are hard but at the end of the three days, I know it was worth it. I talked to a lot of new people. I ate at some amazing restaurants with no rush, appetizer all the way to desserts and coffee. This was definitely a luxury since nothing could cut my adventure short and I was not a “prisoner” to time.  I was around 5-6 hours away from home, just far enough. There was water in my back ground since it brings me peace. A little shopping at a local amazing spice/herb and tea place. I really love to cook new recipes. Only this time, no rushing around- I can read and smell at my leisure. I even pushed myself to do a new activity.  I was well past my comfort zone. I have an immense all compassing fear of heights. Before this particular challenge, there was a time when I made it to the open part of the Statue of Liberty. That is a moment in life you do not get to see all the time and my family all wanted to go out to the deck. The kids all went with my husband, Nathan, to the edge. I took in the view clutched close to the wall. I remember my son, who was 3 at the time, really wanting me to go and look. I just could not make my feet move.
I decided to try to climb the rock wall. I did not make it too far up before I descended back down with my heart racing… I could not do it. I challenged myself to look at what aspects I did not like or that made me uncomfortable. Then, I quickly made up my mind to try the other side. It was four sets of logs with metal rings for your feet. I climbed up the first one, and then on the second, my feet placement slipped and the wind flipped me around. I had to let go and hang two stories up in the air while they straightened out the climber for me to continue. Just let go. Yeah right! I was unsure my fingers would even move at that point from my grip, but they did. I let go and just maybe of a lot more than just my grip I trusted everyone was in the right place to really grab me from falling. I smiled knowing that I have made many great friends along the way and they always have me, even when I don’t have myself. That day, God showed me that He is bigger than my mountains. I was able to finish climbing and touch the top of the rock, 43 feet in the air, equivalent to 4 stories. I showed myself that I can and will continue to move all the mountains that I have been, listening when I need a break and even in those moments, knowing I am never alone.
Please… if it is music you love, take time to listen. If you’re a reader, choose an extra book to read. Love the open roads? Take the drive. If food makes you happy, cook that dish. Maybe change is what you need then conquer some part of that fear. You cannot help others if you are not at your good or best. Self-care to better one’s self is not selfish. It is an investment in prolonging and protecting the quality of care you’re able to give. I am important too. I came home a little changed and much more at ease and better equipped to handle the hard stuff. Let’s face it… Military life is difficult on the whole family unit. A Veteran’s life is even tougher. Make time to find and do the things that give you peace.
-Melissa J.

A Letter to a Veteran’s Widow – What I meant to say was…

Dear Widow.

I hate to start my letter that way. Because you are so much more, but you know as well as I do, that in this season of your life it will be your defining title.

I wanted to write to you today, because condolence card after condolence card my words are ringing empty.

I’m sorry for your loss,
We are keeping you in our prayers,
E-mail if you need anything.
and as always, Thank you and your family for your service.

As always, As always….

I want you to know, I prayed for you tonight. After I sealed up the card, and wrote your address so neatly across the envelope and dropped it in the box I drove home to my very own veteran and I prayed for you. I prayed for your comfort, and your children. I prayed that you would know what I meant when I wrote, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

 But just in case it didn’t bleed through the ink,
What I meant was:
-I’m sorry your life as you knew it has been destroyed. Not once, but twice. First when they came home from a war zone and you couldn’t find your husband in this new man’s eyes and now again that war has taken them long after they left the battlefield.

I’m sorry this country doesn’t understand your sacrifice because it’ll never make it to the television or the front page, because the grief you are drowning in doesn’t sell.

I’m sorry you’ll always feel a little alone standing in a room full of people. There are Gold star families, there are veteran families in recovery, and there’s you. Please know that I do see you.

I’m sorry you’ve joined a club no one wants to be a member of. I’m sorry its membership increases daily

I’m sorry I can’t take this pain from you.

I’m sorry you’ll always be faced with women who will walk away from meeting you that thank God it wasn’t them. I know you wish you could scream that it wasn’t meant to be you either.

I’m sorry you’ll meet women who know all too well what you’ve lost but can’t, won't, connect with you because it will bring too much pain back. I’m sorry, I’m just so sorry

“We are keeping you in our prayers”
I spoke your veteran's name today. To a room full of people that you will probably never know, on a conference line that had participants from around the country. My voice broke as I announced a brother gone home and I sent up a prayer that you would know that his name is known. He is not a number, a file, a record or a form.

“E-mail if you need anything.”
A phone call in the early morning. An ear to hear your tears.  A month from now, a year from now. You are still a member of this family. That fact never changes.

“And As always, Thank you and your family for your service.”
How do I thank you for your service without it sounding like you signed up for this?
You didn’t, but thank you anyway.

Thank you for living a life you never expected.

Thank you for raising a family in the midst of this. Your children are our future.

Thank you for countless restless nights

Thank you for Doctors appointments, insurance forms, and medication refills

I know you’d give anything to have that unexpected life back

Thank you for loving a soldier, a marine, a seaman, an airman.

Thank you for loving a veteran. I know it wasn’t always easy

Thank you for loving them still.

-Antoinette B.

Being Kind in an Unkind World

This has been a tough month for my family. The kind where it leaves your heart a little broken. This is my husbands' toughest month and we are feeling the lasting effects that he is going through with his PTSD and coping. He is just getting by. This is a season we go through every year since his diagnosis. My children already endure tough lives as they’ve had to experience being bullied.

I'd like to share a story or life lesson taught to me. It's about a touching speech my second-grade teacher, Mrs. English, delivered about being nice and kind to everyone.  She did not stop there... she made us (or at least me) understand that some situations are completely out of our control but what we do and how we do it can make all the difference to one person. We are all the same in the fact that we can lift people up or tear them down...So, what will you be choosing every day? This was a summary of that day. There was a girl whom no one wanted to be friends with because she smelled differently. Honestly, I was included in that group until I really listened to this brave kind-hearted teacher. It was not the girl's fault... she did not have running water and items needed to stay clean.  She lived with unfortunate circumstances. She was a great person. Her family did not have the means to provide what we as a class took for granted of already having. This is one of those moments that stay with you for life. It changed how I saw and treated people. It changed what I was willing to do for someone else. It shaped the philosophy I still carry with me today. I will always leave the world a little better than it found me.
Being a mom, I practice and teach kindness to my kids. I want them to be kind humans. I feel it is not enough to teach them but you also must let them see you being kind in many ways as well. As a family, one way we show kindness is by making a pot of food and feeding homeless and at-risk people on the fourth Tuesday of every month. I want them to be comfortable around all people. I want them to be grateful for what they have and understand that there are always going to be people who have less and who have more. That is okay. What they do to help others with what they have is what is going to matter the most. They go through their clothes and toys and we find amazing places and people whom can love them better than we were. As a family, our budget is not big but there is still plenty that can be done to be kind to other people.
I realized last month that I must have missed a huge piece of teaching kindness. Both of my school-age children have been bullied to the point that it greatly affects them. Our oldest is a teenage girl in tenth grade. The school called me because she had to leave after taking the meanness for almost a year- it finally affected her enough that she could not function throughout her day.  I see her as beautiful because I am her mom. Others also see her as gorgeous both inside and out. I am always stopped and complimented on her appearance and behaviors. She started going to this particular school in 7th grade and now she has moved up to the high school. There are two girls whose actions seem to be embellished out of jealousy of my daughter. They went to every group of friends she had made and put our daughter down. They sat with them, filling their ears with our non-sense of our daughter being weird and many other awful things. She started believing the things they were saying until she finally got the courage to speak up. Her guidance counselors helped to make school a place of enjoyment for her. They used the technology from camera and audio systems in the school to go back to as many moments as they could. They wanted to ease our daughter's already tough world. They wanted to stop these girls from moving on to someone else. It got worse for a couple of weeks after both girls got into trouble and since then, they've left our daughter alone. I had to have a conversation with her about how being kind does not mean letting other people treat you poorly. She did not want to be 'mean' to anyone. I taught her to stand up for herself and that does not mean you are unkind. You can be kind and not let people treat you a way that you should not be treated.
A few weeks later, my son started a phase of not wanting to go to school. I had to drag him there. Next day, the same thing. And, it continued. His anxiety was high, which also happens in tough moments with his dad dealing with coping from severe PTSD. As a mom, I feel it is hard to figure out when there is something else going on with him. He doesn't talk outwardly like both of our girls. He processes internally and quietly with anger moments. I asked him what happened at school. He finally told me a child knocked him down and shoved his face in the snow. It really scared him so when the kid started charging to do it again, my son hit him, which in turn made the other kid hit our son so hard that his face turned red. This was one of his friends so it made it harder for our son to sort out. After he told me, he started to cry and felt bad about hitting his friend. My son's spacer fell off his teeth because he was hit so hard.  As I told him that I am sorry this happened to him, he told me it was ok. I looked at him and yet another lesson learned on how kind and being friends should not hurt. I gave him all the ways to use his voice and people he trusts at school to go to help him. He did not want to get his friend into trouble so he did not say anything. He hugged me, with a better understanding that being kind matters and so does standing up for yourself. 
I do not remember ever going to school and kids being so mean. I hope kindness is something that each one of you reading this teach others. Being kind impacts all the people around you and standing up for yourself is not unkind. Our families already deal with the unkind effects and aftermath of war, and my kids should not have to endure more unkindness. I am their mom and I am so proud every day that I see kindness and kind acts coming from them even when the world is not always dealing kindly with them.  We will continue to share our kindness, changing the world one person and situation at a time.
Love and Laughter
The Johnsons

A Good Night’s Rest

All the signs are visible. We are back to the moment where things in my house get ready to go downhill quickly for my husband. He is increasingly forgetting thing, he is pacey, and I am waking up at night to noises down stairs. He is not sleeping at an increasing rate and these are the days that equate to life or possible death.

On a good day, my husband may get 7 hours of sleep. In one of these moments we’re having now, he averages about 3-4 hours of sleep every couple of days. Then, it triggers war nightmares which makes climbing out of the cycle almost impossible.
In those moments, our whole household responsibilities are left up to me which includes 3 different school schedules for 3 very different age groups. Not to mention, all my husband’s needs, medicine, eating, doctors, reminders to take a shower, (yes, not to belittle him but in these moments, it seems his care becomes as time consuming as my children.) Then, there is the matter of keeping a household of never ending cleaning, laundry, and daily chores to run smoothly left solely to me and I also work from home.
But…this is not a story of poor me. It’s a situation that can possibly make one feel isolated and lonely in the moment but I can assure you, I never have. I work with an amazing group of people who understand these moments. I could not work because I literally had people out searching for my husband so our day did not end in his suicidal thoughts taking his life.
The month did not end with a “Sorry you’re going through that.” It ended with people listening, telling me their thoughts, sending me encouraging messages as they saw me working. Most importantly, it ended with a team of kindness pairing together to research, budget, and help me find the much-needed item for my house… black-out darkening shades. Hopefully, this will be what keeps him from becoming the dreaded number I fear most. He made it home from war, yet PTSD is by far his toughest battle he faces. I am most grateful for a work family instead of a work team. We never feel alone in this battle.
-Melissa J.

It's Time for Change

Mass shootings are in the news way too often.  The fact that it is “normal” to see stories such as this scrolling across the bottom of the screen is sickening.  At what point does an individual think they have the right to take someone else’s life? I feel as though privilege in this country is being taken for granted. The fact that reporters are fighting to be the first on the scene to the most horrific tragedies to boosts their career is disheartening.  At the same time, when such events happen, politicians start pushing their agenda.  This country has completely divided on- Every. Single. Issue. Imaginable.

I know I am privileged to have been born and live in America, a female in the United States at that.  What makes our country so unique is our First Amendment.  The Second amendment ensures our rights as Americans to bear arms and protect our country and ourselves.  Who would have thought we would be needing to protect ourselves, let alone our children at school from people just wanting to cause as much harm as possible? This is by no means a pro or anti-gun rant, however, most of the people I know that own a weapon, have had professional training on how to handle a weapon responsibly.

So, do we need to tighten up some of the gun ownership laws? In my opinion... absolutely. However, when I scroll through social media and see people stating “it’s guns that are killing people, not people,” I question if this is an element of the truth.  They are missing the other fact that guns don’t shoot themselves.  “Let someone take a knife to a school and cause 17 deaths in 30 seconds,” they say. The simple fact is, murders and mass killers aren’t following the law and what about the old saying “you can’t take a knife to a gun fight.”  The gun does not shoot itself, that’s also another fact.

How do we stop this vicious cycle?  I say we quit publishing the names and the faces of the ones seeking to cause such chaos.  They do not deserve the “honor” of knowing their name and face is scrolling across every news station morning and night when the incident first happens or the pleasure of knowing that through a quick google search, their name and picture will instantaneously pop up.

Of all the freedoms and privileges provided by this country, we as parents have to worry about sending our kids to school now. That seems backward and wrong on every level.  What and where did things go so terribly wrong?  I love my country, but things do need to change.

By Joan C. - HTH Representative