A Series of Interruptions

There are so many choices when one reflects on little phrases that capture the elements of life. Words simply do not do it justice, yet we still so enjoy giving it a try and even celebrate these words with art and places of honor throughout our days. There is what I would consider the easy ones; life is joy or happiness; life is overcoming, and so on. One can easily choose to reflect on the good or the bad, the challenges we face, and how we answer those challenges. One can attempt to try to represent the give and take of life in one fell swoop with phrases like sweet sorrow or tough love. In truth, all of these are so beautifully sufficient, we enjoy pouring over them again and again from which to draw strength and inspiration. At the same time, we continue in our efforts for new phrases that continue to ring in on the vibration of truth that lends to our loving these words and the wisdom they infuse to our souls.

One such phrase came to me during the time of life when our family was joined by our first child. Everything was different. I would try to plan my day with an infant in tow and realized everything I knew was wrong. I knew it took me 25 minutes to walk from our apartment just off base to the grocery store in town. However, that was wrong; 25 minutes was how long it took me before I had a baby. Now it took me an hour. I knew it took me one afternoon to wash our clothes for the week; this was also wrong. Laundry had become a never-ending quest with no end in sight but with mere survival the goal. The life I knew before baby was gone, and a new normal was setting in. This meant I had to relearn everything I thought I knew.

With the addition (or subtraction) of every family member, this process would repeat. With any new life-altering challenges thrown at our family, this process would repeat. This experience would happen again upon my husband’s return from war. Realizing how supporting his healing would so drastically change everything I thought I knew. Addressing issues such as refiguring how to meet our basic needs and care and factoring in new needs of everyone in the family due to whatever challenge had surfaced. Including caring for myself so that I could provide care for the rest of my family.

The phrase that came to me while trying to acclimate to the needs of a growing family was that life is a series of interruptions. One has a focus, such as to care for the family in some way, and throughout one’s focused attempts on these efforts, one is inevitably interrupted repeatedly. It is a bit on the ironic side since interruptions feel like something out place and even frustrating to the progress of life’s purpose. Nevertheless, we all have them, and if life is a series of interruptions, how one responds to and copes with these interruptions will greatly define one’s life. One of the best supports is community, and I have never felt such community as I have with the Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes.

While defining my new normal after my husband returned from war, the Coalition was a saving grace to more than one interruption to our lives. They were there so that these interruptions were handled more smoothly and gently, providing relief and refocus. It seems the year 2020 has brought many common interruptions to all our lives, and during this time of uncertainty, the Coalition has brought empowerment to many veteran families, including my own through the Heroes to Heroes Program, granting us the opportunity to help ourselves. We are grateful for their ingenuity and generosity and for standing with the veteran community through our series of interruptions.  

~HTH Representative

Navigating the Journey to VA Resources

.An opinion piece from one of our HTH Representatives that offers guidance in navigating the VA

I would like to share what I have learned from navigating Veterans Affairs’ (VA) services, hopefully, to give veterans hope that they both deserve and can obtain the resources offered there. The VA is a tough cookie, sweet because it holds valuable and earned resources for veterans but access to those well-deserved resources can be tough and almost make one feel it’s best to crumble and walk away from their countries’ promises.

To begin, I would like to advise that when seeking VA resources, it is the long game. No matter how you slice it, no matter how obvious it is that a veteran has earned them, it will take weeks to years to finalize access to VA resources and VA ratings, thus, the importance of patience. Please remember the length of the VA response and the manner of how they handle applications for resources and filing for claims is in absolutely no way a reflection of a veteran’s worthiness. While a veteran should exercise their civic interests as much as they want, when it comes to the VA it can be helpful to not be too concerned with the politics that can play out in the VA. Much like an active duty member of the armed forces is to refrain from politics, this tactic applied to the VA environment can likewise smooth rough waters for the veteran to obtain the many valuable resources offered. Please remember if there is anyone who deserves these services it is our veterans. If you are a veteran, please remember, you do deserve this and if patience is an unfair request due to your present struggles reach out to a trusted family member, friend, or local nonprofit advocate and ask them to be your voice. Let them navigate, in this there is strength.

Next, if you are the veteran or family member/friend speaking for the veteran, get an advocate. Trying to navigate the VA processes can be daunting for anyone, gaining the assistance of an advocate is not only wise but necessary. You can ask your local VA for a list of local advocates, if you have a Vet Center near you, you can ask them their recommendation on which advocate services seem to get the best and quickest results. If you are not physically close to any on these buildings, look online at https://www.va.gov/find-locations/, to locate which one is closest to you and give them a call.

Once you have an advocate established, follow up with them often. Be patient if they have a large caseload. Remember this is the long game. Schedule for yourself how often you will check in with your advocate and set reminders in your calendar. Schedule these calls when you know you will be in a calm environment that will support you in being patient with these calls. Perhaps you need zero distractions and quiet or a book on hand to read during the hold times. I have been on hold with the VA for over two hours and often would line up these calls with laundry time so I could do something with my hands to pass the time easily for me. Think ahead and plan for how to best handle long holds for you and your situation. Learn from trial and error on what works best for you, there will be an opportunity as there will be many of these calls. Be willing to learn what gets you the best response. I personally, went with once a month, I paid attention and found that our local VA responded best to once a month. It also gave us enough time in between calls to not be stressed by them. You can also ask your advocate how to long to wait before you check back in as an initial guide.

Now that you have your system set up to run the long game of obtaining your well-earned services start thinking about a plan to bridge the gap created by the long game. In the interim, you will need a plan to meet the needs of care that the VA will be providing you as it can take years to obtain results. Luckily, there are several veteran nonprofits who can help with just these situations and happy to do so, you just need to find each other. One of the most comprehensive lists available to veterans and those assisting them is the Caregiver Resource Directory which you can download for free at https://warriorcare.dodlive.mil/caregiver-resources/.

Depending on your circumstances it may be more than one organization that comes together to help bridge the gap between your current situation and the realization of VA services. Explore what the Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes can do for you or your veteran at www.saluteheroes.org. To our veterans, there are a lot of people who care about you and want to help. I hope this gives you a good start in your journey to find the support you deserve.

-caregiver of disabled USMC combat veteran (Six months to establish VA medical, two years to establish initial VA benefits, additional three years for first increase, additional 8 years for next increase, still working to finalize rating.)

Worth Fighting For!

Right now, I'm sitting at the table in the cabin that we love so much. He's out mowing the lawn. As I sit here, I'm thinking about him. Thinking about our marriage. We're here at this cabin because we're fighting to save our marriage.

Do I love him? I do, and he loves me. We just fell into a routine of not communicating with each other, dancing around what we need to say. Which caused us built-up tension and stress. Sometimes, it's not easy to talk to your partner, especially when they're going through something of their own that they don't share with you!

I don't push for details about his time in service. I'm always ready to listen when he wants to talk to me about it.

For the last week and a half, things have just been really off with us. It gets old, crying in the dark. So, four nights ago, I poured it all out. Every feeling I was feeling, every thought that entered my mind. He knows how I feel now.

Thursday, he called me on my way home from picking up our kids from work, "Honey, let's get away, head up north, and go kayaking. Just you and me, we need time away. Babe, I’m trying." Not going to lie, I teared up! 

I teared up because of the last two words he said, "I'm trying!"

You may not understand why or how just two words can make a person tear up. And that's okay. It's our love language. After almost 17 years of marriage, I know that "I'm trying" is him fighting for us.

So, here we are in the U.P. at our cousin's cabin. No kids, no tv, no neighbors…just him & me.

Well, we didn't kayak due to the rain. But we did enjoy time together, playing card games, listening to music, and taking long drives and talking, really talking to each other about everything.

We talked about both of our needs and wants, for both of us to be happy! I tend to put my husband on the back burner; I focus on my kids and their needs. Having five kids takes up a lot of my time, and he loves that I love our kids so much and all that I do for them. He just wishes we had more time for us.
He tends to get brassy with me when he feels neglected, and it causes me to not talk to him because I can't read his mind.

I wrote last month about him getting his dream boat. He loves it and has been out on it 12 times. It's something that he wants me to do with him. I love fishing, but I’ve always fished off the dock. So, I told myself to embrace this with him, love every minute on the water with him. Well, I tried three times. However, the water makes me sick; after two hours, I'm suffering with nausea.

I'll keep trying, because I know it means a lot to him when I go with him and because I want to spend that time with him.

Our overall outcome from our weekend away is that we love each other, we love our family, and we want to be happy. So, we made a promise to make more time for each other and do something for us each month (no kids). We need to communicate with each other more and be more attentive to each other's needs.

I'm his anchor, as he is mine. Our love is worth fighting for!

Kacy R. Wife of Charles R. USMC Veteran