Christmas Family Ideas

Christmas is a hard time of the year for Veterans. Stress can make the holidays hard for everyone in the family. The first big stressor is that survival guilt hits home more during the holidays. The second big stressor is money. Trying to make the holiday special while not stressing about money and really enjoying the spirit of Christmas is what I am going to write about.

We made traditions in our family that cost very little. But my kids and husband (disabled veteran) look forward to every year.

The first idea is to have a gingerbread house-building day. My family makes it a contest: who can build the coolest house (but that is because we are a very competitive family!) All you need for this is gram-crackers for the main building / structure, icing to hold it all together, and candy. Then everyone starts to build and have fun. I use cupcake pans to sort the candy. Everything can be bought at the dollar store. But your kids will remember this activity for years to come. It is one of my family's favorites. My personal favorite was when my husband made an outhouse. 😆

The second tradition is looking for lights around the neighborhood. We make hot chocolate and pile up in the car and hunt for lights.

The final tradition is reading Christmas stories together. This is free once you have collected a few books. The books have changed over the years. But we have a few that we pack with our Christmas decorations and read each year.

These are just a few free or cheap ideas that you can do with your family. I know for my husband having these traditions ground him and it gives him something to look forward to along with our kids. The best part is we never have to stress about if we can afford the activities each year.

Written by an Antonymous Veteran Caregiver and Heroes Thanking Heroes Representative

My Husband's Service Animal Changed his Life

My Husband's Service Animal Changed his Life...

My husband had just finished his college degree and started his first civilian job post-injury. He was struggling with his PTSD in the workforce. He thought he would have to go on complete disability when his counselor suggested a service dog. His service dog (Anderson) was a lifesaver for my husband. He was able to then continue working and moving up the ranks and his dog could sense his emotions and calm down his anxiety. Anderson was a game changer, not only in his work but with our children. My husband could finally go on trips with us and overall feel more comfortable in life. Anderson has been with us for close to eight years. He is now retired, and my husband can do daily life on his own. 

Without his service animal, his life would have taken a dramatic turn. His service animal is part of our family. When you see someone with a service dog that does not have a visible disability, don't judge too harshly. Service dogs can be for PTSD, diabetes, seizures, or deafness. It is truly amazing how much these animals can change one's life.

There is a difference between service animals and emotional support animals. Service animals have to have three tasks that they perform for the person and are allowed anywhere the handler goes. Anderson has gone to restaurants, theme parks, and federal buildings. Emotional support animals are not allowed in these places. If you see a service animal, the best thing you can do is pretend they are not there. They are working and if their focus is on you, they are not doing their job. I could never tell you how much we appreciate Anderson and everything he has done for my husband and our family. 

The Love-Hate Relationship with Back-To-School Time

As a parent, I have such a love-hate relationship with back-to-school time. 

I always hear parents joke about how they can't wait for their kids to be back in school. 

Maybe it's the quiet time and peacefulness away from chaos, siblings fighting and constantly providing food and snacks or someone always wanting to go somewhere..

Maybe it's the free time to get more work accomplished..

I don't know the reasoning but I'm just not that parent. I'm certainly not judging, I do love feeling more accomplished.. I just simply love having my kid home with me during the day. I despise back-to-school time.

I'm a caregiver to a severely wounded veteran so thankfully, I have the luxury of remote work from my home (Thank you to the Coalition to Salute America's Heroes for that blessing). 

Having my teenage daughter at home all day during the summers helps so much with my stress levels. She has grown up as a "helper" for me and her Dad who is medically retired from the U.S. Army from the severe wounds he received from war. Summer brings us more days for quality time together and extra days to reward our girl with some well-deserved fun for being such a great help all year long.

The laughs, the long chats, the game nights and listening to Taylor Swift songs on the back patio at night time, Summer just never seems long enough. 

As I thank the good Lord above for the wonderful two-month break we've had, I knew when I woke up today that it was time to start shifting my mindset back to our school routine. Early mornings, pickup lines, studying and grades. it seemed impossible to stay positive for her.

Tonight came and I watched as she organized her binder, got her backpack ready, provided a whole fashion show of her new school clothes and chatted my head off about her schedule and teachers and just the overall excitement of spending the day with her friends again.

I slowly began to realize that I really do love the joy that back-to-school brings.

-Anonymous, Veteran Caregiver & Mom of a Teenager 

Tic Tok Made Us Do It

 

My wife is from Florida, so growing up spring break was always either the beach or one of the amusement parks down there. This year we were finally in a good spot to take our two kids somewhere new and refreshing. My wife found this spot while she was on TikTok, and started immediately making plans for it. Kanab, Utah was our destination, and within a couple of days, my wife had already planned out all the activities we would be doing. She found these nice little cabin-style hotels and mapped how far the other things she wanted to do were from the AirBnb. So when spring break came around we decided we would drive from Texas to Utah, which is about 18 hours. We would stop in Rosewell, New Mexico to show the kids the aliens, and also treat it as our rest stop before we made the last leg of our trip to Kanab. 

We made it to Kanab, a little town with everything we needed for a nice trip. The first thing on our agenda was sandboarding at a place called pink coral sand, it was a 15-minute drive from where we were, and once we got there we rented our boards and proceeded to hike up the dunes. The people there gave us the option to snowboard down or we could sled down.  The kids loved sledding down the hills, they even had a sitting area with bleachers you get to sit down and watch at the entrance.

After that the next few days we hiked and rented ATVs and were given a tour of some of the other hikes that would have been too hard to do on foot. We were shown the Peekaboo slot, which we were lucky but also unlucky because it had been raining so the main place we would be walking had water running through it; not enough to make us turn back but enough to make the walk more difficult. 

The kids loved running through the water, but my wife and I not so much, mainly because Kanab was cold that time of year, so wet cold feet were not enjoyable. It was a very pretty landscape, even when it was gray and cloudy outside.

We ended our trip by going snow tubing, something the kids had been looking forward to the whole time. It was a one-and-a-half-hour drive from our little cabins, called Brian Head, but the scenery was beautiful. We drove up to a ski resort and rented some cold weather gear, but after that, we walked to the ski lifts and right next to it they had the snow tubes set up. You had to stand on a conveyer belt that took you to the top of the hill. The kids enjoyed that just as much as the actual tubing. When we were done snow tubing we had a local ice cream shop, called Soda Fountain, which was a nightly routine on our trip. We would always stop on our way back from any activity grab food there and ice cream then head back to our little cabin. Since we have been back home, my wife and I still miss that little Ice cream shop and can't wait until we can go back again!

Written by: Jordan C. Veteran Caregiver, HTH Representative

To Love Someone is to Attend a Thousand Funerals of the People They Used to be

Today is April 4th, 2023. It’s been 19 years since my husband died. A part of him at least. It feels wrong to say, because so many good men did die that day 19 years ago, and my husband’s heart against his will and despite the best efforts of an AK47 round to the head, started beating again, his lungs kept taking in dust-filled air and life clung to him when he couldn’t cling to it. But It’s been 19 years since Pfc Jimmy Batchelor died, and a different man walked away. 16 years since he walked the stage for a hard-won bachelor’s degree.

15 years since I married him. 

13 years since we had our beautiful firstborn child. 

10 years since we had our much-prayed-for rainbow boy after too many losses.

8 Since that hard-won bachelor’s became a harder-won master’s degree

4 since he gave in to a calling from God and entered seminary. Perhaps his hardest challenge of all. 

3 since they handed us our perfect only girl

9 Months since our last sweet boy entered the world and completed our family. 

And today, for the very first time in all those years, I stood in front of my husband’s grave and wept.

The First Cav Memorial at Fort Hood is a sight to see. A tombstone for far too many young people. A stone monument to blood-soaked sand and fatherless children. The Veil feels thin here. And I can nearly see the boy  who died standing before the man who walked away. Irrevocably changed. A soon-to-be 24-year-old kid, looking for reassurance from a graying father of 4, that the loss, the blood, the buddies that don’t wake are never forgotten, that the sacrifice made a difference. That life, freedom, and hope remain. A promise that the darkness doesn’t last forever and that there is always, even in the deepest grief, light.

I wish he could see the man I see. Not a broken 24-year-old that all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men have given up on, but a man restored, like a kintsugi teapot. All the cracks filled with the Gold of God’s good Grace. 

There is death here, but there is life. Fort Hood doesn’t stop. Everywhere you look it teams with life and across the parking lots, from all directions men are coming, some from nearby, others from states away, they make this pilgrimage every year, like Jim, to spend a few moments with ghosts.

For many of them, like my husband, the dirt and stone represent what should have been their own graves. There is sadness and joy here. 19 years later it has not claimed them yet, but there are names missing from this monument, names that this day claimed, years after the sunset of the siege of Sadr, the casualties of Black Sunday continue to rise. Then, as if a force is drawing them together, they converge on this single point. Quiet reunions of blood that has mingled together to create a brotherhood born of shared nightmares.

There was no plan, no schedules, no agreements or group chats, yet somehow as I watch from a distance, there is a crowd forming, strong handshakes are pulled into tight embraces, prayers are offered, coins are placed, tears are wiped away and, after the quiet, there is laughter. Loud, beautiful, laughter with only a hint of bitterness, You can barely tell it’s there. There are slaps on the back, and stories and shared photographs, there is life. So much life. and promises of calls and lunches and catch-ups, That will never come. Because even after 19 years, it’s easier to leave it here. To lay it before these stones and hope that this year is the year it won’t follow you home. 

The drive home is quiet, with few stops. The baby sleeps the majority of the time and the 3-year-old is easily entertained by her brothers. My husband seems pensive, lost in memories I can’t see. I watch him from the passenger seat. Thankful for the man he is, the kid he was, and the fact that his heart kept beating against his will until he was able to find the will to continue breathing in and out every day. 

I’m thankful for the grace-filled cracks of our life. I’m thankful for the brave men whose names are carved into black stone on a grassy field in the Texas heat, reminding all those who step on their hallowed ground of the price that has been paid. I’m thankful he and the men who were with him today are living breathing monuments for the men listed on cold black stone.

Self Addressed Envelope

On April 4th, 2004 SPC Jimmy Batchelor survived a gunshot wound to the head while serving in Sadr City, Iraq in a firefight that would become known as Black Sunday. The following is a letter from Jim Batchelor US Army Ret. In 2023 To Specialist Jimmy Batchelor on April 5th, 2004.  

To Specialist Batchelor,

 

Hey Batch, tough day right? I mean, it’s not every day you get shot in the head, knocked around a Bradley by RPG’s, die and wake up in a body bag. Your ego is going to sustain you for quite a while, I mean, of course, you made it through that. You’re 1st Cav, God loves the Infantry and every single thing that can fit on a bumper sticker. But you haven’t closed your eyes yet. You haven’t had the quiet time when you have to process it and well, I’m sorry. 

 

Let me start by saying I’m you. Not the “I’m you” from self-help books but, literally you. I know how you got that scar on your hand from your brother trying to pin you to a piece of wood with a nail, how you got the scar on your throat by trying to go under barbed wire on a motorcycle, I know all of it because I’m really you. I know how you ran from Christ at the age of 16 and were brought back to your knees on Sand Hill because you were finally alone and you felt that desolation for the first time and cried out for your Redeemer and were calmed.  

 

You’re going to go through that again. But it’s going to get a lot worse. So much worse. Let me fill you in. When we get back from Germany, we aren’t going to be the same. The nightmares are going to be constant; the anger is going to be constant. You’ve never been an angry person before, never understood those who were but well, from 20 or so years in the future... it’s a dog we get to keep leashed. 

What next? Ah yes, your wife. She’s not going to like this angry, hateful person who is suddenly medicated and bouncing between hateful and forgetful and you’re not going to like her. Actually, it’s going to go far beyond not liking. You know that joke about “If your wife isn’t happy long enough, you’re going to be unhappy with half of your stuff?” There’s a reason everyone divorced laughs about it. It’s true. You’re going to think giving her everything is the best trade in the world to get away. 

 

While you’re not sleeping and you’re raging, the Army is going to fast-track you out. Shot in April, out by November, and then you’re going to get run over by an 18-wheeler a few days before your final out-processing. The Army will throw 30% at you and everyone who got injured that day just to kick you out but don’t worry. There will be a huge lawsuit and well, they’ll bump it up to 50.  

 

Batch, you’ll be without a home of your own for a long while. You’ll sleep one night on someone’s couch, and another on a floor but the nightmares and rage just won’t let anyone get close. That connection you had with God in Basic? You’ll rage against that as well. 

Jim... you will learn hatred and it will become a part of your soul. Darkness will move in that you’ve only read about. And it’ll almost kill you one day sitting on a couch in an empty house, desperate for a connection forgetting who you are, forgetting what you are. 

 

So I’m reaching back all of these years to tell you. To tell you what to look forward to. 

 

You will put that destruction away because a girl on the other side of the planet offers to trade a picture of her smiling if you’ll just hold on for 24 hours. And it will be the best trade you’ve ever heard of. And she’ll do this for weeks until you can see light. A veteran’s organization will hear about you and Black Sunday (yes, they literally call it this and make a miniseries out of it) will furnish that empty house and you bring that girl to it and find you can’t live without her. 

 

Oh and Batch, you learn what marriage really is. It isn’t the “I’m home for 2 days and gone a month and we never talk” that you once had, it’s talking at 2 am about nothing at all. It’s tough decisions  and kids. Oh, the kids. You’ll have kids. I know you never wanted them but man, having them is the most absolutely insane and difficult and rewarding thing you’ll ever do.  

 

And you’ll find yourself back on your knees before the Throne. Your rage at God will move to gratitude. The book of Job will take a new meaning and you’ll see why you were driven down that path of pain and suffering and then had everything restored in spades. There’s redemption there Batch, but before that, there’s always pain. There’s always blood. And we have to go through it and it’s going to suck massively.  

From 2023 I’m reaching back to you in 2004. You’re in Germany with Jason sitting there beside you talking about how best to spend that 250-dollar card the Army gave you to buy new clothes because yours were destroyed due to contamination. That’s how they label your blood and the blood of your friends. Contamination. But it’s fitting. It’s going to soak into your soul and it’s going to take years but it will give you insight into how people hurt and other veterans who have seen what you have. You will separate from people who you thought were friends and family and develop new ones and that’s okay. Sleep will become someone you used to know but that’s handy when you have kids. You’re always listening for them. 

 

Batch, you have a lot of healing to do. A lifetime of it. You’re going to get a lot of advice on what to do and a lot of it is from people who have never been where you are but read a book or have a degree. I’m telling you from here. Open Job. Read what he went through and understand you will walk the same path. Take comfort because it’s going to hurt but know there is a reason. I can promise you there is a reason. Sanctification is on the other side of it. Neat word there don’t you think? I’m working on becoming a pastor. Yes, infantry to seminary. I told you, that path is a long and twisty one and we can’t see around the curve but He can. Every drop of blood you spilled and every hour you suffer has meaning. It is counted and accounted for. Find peace in that and in the one who died for us. I wish I could save you the walk you’re about to make but then I wouldn’t have done it. All I can say is He was and is with us the entire time. Even when... especially when we felt alone. 

 

Be safe. Infantry leads the way. 

 

Jim Batchelor 

2023

Are You Full?

It doesn’t matter if you have spent seemingly your entire life caring for others, chose to step into the role, or it was thrust upon you because chaos changed the whole trajectory of life; the truth is your entire being seems to radiate that you are a caregiver. You are a magnet for needs to fill. 

“Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it. Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it.” – Thaddeus Golas

Burnout becomes a familiar place, the word, ”no” tends to be the most difficult word you have ever said, and “I can’t” is only something you scream at yourself in your mind, because to the world you say, “I got this!”

This does not mean that you do not enjoy loving those around you through acts of service... But it does mean that you need to be extra focused on being sure that you are purposely filling yourself up too. 

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” – Jack Kornfield

The intelligent, creative, high-spirited being inside of you is hungering for your attention.

It seems as though wave after wave of situations has caused you to keep silencing any whisper of "focus on yourself." Everything has become a check box on an infinitely evolving and priority exchanging to-do list. Who has the time or energy to pivot onto something personally fulfilling?

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.” – Steve Maraboli

Multitasking becomes the only possible way to function. You learn to utilize every moment of every day. You spend every waking moment trying to ensure that everyone around you is full of health, entertainment, education, etc. On many days you juggle so many things you become exhausted and can’t see the progress made that was worth the energy spent. 

“Self-care is not a waste of time. Self-care makes your use of time more sustainable.” – Jackie Viramontez

Challenge: Find joy in the journey, and feed that hunger.

Is there anywhere in your list of tasks where you can find joy? Driving to appointments? Look for something to appreciate in the scenery or steal a lunch date with your veteran on the way home. Doing the dishes? Turn up the music and have a solo dance/karaoke party. Taking the kids to another school event? Play a quick game of I spy and stop for a slushy or ice cream. Last minute science project? Share with your little one about (all the times) when you forgot to tell your mom about your project until the night before. Grocery shopping? Find an audible book or call and check in on that person you’ve been meaning to for a while now. Cooking? Pull out that recipe you’ve been curious to try but told yourself it’ll wait until you have more time, and cook it. Fill yourself up so much so, that your overflow is what fills everyone around you!

“Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.” – Etty Hillesum

Written by an Anonymous Veteran Caregiver

Treat Your Relationship Like a Garden

I grew up loving plants, probably because my father always made it a goal to have our yard look like a garden at Disneyland. My brother and I would constantly be helping my father with weekend projects like building a koi pond or digging big holes for palm trees being delivered.

As I got older I found that I took pride in the appearance of my home just like my father. The knowledge my father taught me as a kid about plants and his creative projects has sparked a passion in both my husband and me!

Chris was never really into gardening until I came along with gardening projects! Quickly he realized that gardening was a hidden talent of his. We enjoy shopping for plants at local nurseries and stores. I love that we both like to shop for plants which is a great little day date, and usually includes lunch. Then the following day we plant them together. Everything from finding beautiful pots and garden décor to watching our plants get bigger and flowering is rewarding.

It’s great when you and your significant other share a hobby you both enjoy. Gardening has been known to help improve moods. Researchers have found that tending to plants can reap mental health benefits. Focusing your attention on the immediate task and details of gardening can reduce negative thoughts and feelings and can make you feel better in the moment.

A great start to finding out if gardening is something you and your veteran may enjoy would be to create a butterfly garden. These are very simple plants to care for and from our experience attract a ton of butterflies year-round (we are in Florida.)

All you need is a large pot, soil, Milk Weed (this is the only food source for monarch butterflies), and Lantana (I get in all colors; pink, purple, yellow, etc). All of these plants can be found at just about any nursery or Home Depot/ Lowes. They somewhat die off in the winter, but I cut them back and by spring they are in full swing again attracting butterflies! They take very little maintenance and are difficult to kill (if you don’t have a green thumb).

Gardening has been a great hobby for us and I hope this may encourage you to play in the dirt w your spouse! Who knows your relationship may blossom like the plants you plant together!

Written By: Savanna Burrell

Veteran Caregiver

Friends and Family Cookout: Our Version of Mandatory Family Fun Day!

When the weekends approach my husband and I try and find fun things to do that don’t always encompass the bars. Since most of the poker runs we ride in to raise money for different things include said establishments, we decided we needed new events that exclude going out. We have an awesome community that we love to spend time with, however, we are burned out on the same places we constantly go to. That’s how the monthly family cookout was born! 

At least once a month someone hosts a cookout. Each family attending brings a dish and what they are drinking. The host provides the main course. This keeps costs down for the host and incorporates a variety of food for everyone! When attending we get everyone together and decide who is hosting next month's cookout, and so on. This concept reminds me of the good ole Marine Corps Mandatory Family Fun Days (the camaraderie that is 😉)

This concept is nothing new but it’s something we all love to do. We figured it’s a potluck with a fun spin on whose house it will be at each month. Next month the family hosting is doing a Mexican theme, so we are all bringing Hispanic dishes! We enjoy looking forward to choosing a dish to make and cook together. 

At our first cookout, we had over 30 guests, and it was a blast. Our guests were amazed at the amount of food and options since everyone brought a dish! We kindly remind our guests of our curfew (you may have read my last blog talking about our Cinderella Liberty -- 9 pm) that way we don’t get stuck entertaining past the time we prefer. 

Knowing that we have a cookout to attend every month keeps us excited about the weekend and the friends we get to spend time with. It’s a positive change of pace. We used to be the only ones doing the events and cookouts which was costly and stressful. Once we came up with the idea of all of us rotating each month, it took the strain off us feeling obligated to be the only ones making the effort. It’s something everyone was open to and excited to participate in! 

Some of the themes we have discussed and done may inspire you to create your own family and friend cookout rotation: 

• Bring your own steak night

The host provides sides and you cook your steak your way on our grill. 

• Family and friends brunch

The host provides an omelet bar. We put out our camping cooktop with a table full of things to put in your omelet, made to order of course! 

• Build your own kabobs

The host provides veggies & protein. Guests bring a dish and build their kabobs while my husband tends to the grill (the kids loved this one!)

These are just a few ideas we have done that hopefully inspire you to start your very own cookout rotation. We try to come up with simple ideas that are fun but take the stress off of hosting and help bring down the costs. Whether it’s a cookout with 2 families or 20 families, it’s still a great way to spend your Saturday with those you care about and of course chow down on some awesome food! 

National Marriage Week: Love is Worth the Work

The Coalition has been with us since very early in our marriage--- when the invisible wounds of war dominated our young love. Without faith in God, I'm not sure how we would have been able to make it through. The days were tough, and the nights were long. I was only beginning to learn what it meant to be a wife, a caregiver, and the biggest cheerleader and advocate for my husband while preserving his strength and dignity as the leader of our home.

We were not the only ones navigating marriage with both visible and invisible wounds of war. We attended the Coalition's Road to Recovery, where I discovered I was not alone in my worries, fears, and daily struggles, and neither was he. With our faith at the center, healing started after several years of swimming upstream and trying to do it without the wisdom and support of our veteran community.

Fast forward almost a decade, and we are still learning how to outdo one another with honor by loving each other well, listening, responding, and growing our intimacy. One thing that's helped us is intentionally working on our marriage. It's too easy to go through the day-to-day: the appointments, work, maintaining a household, family, and friends, and end up exhausted not giving my best to the one God has blessed me with to do life together. We combat the struggle with complacency by seeking ways to invest in our marriage: from coffee/tea dates to snowmobiling to eating a meal together to gardening to a kiss good morning and good night to talking about our hopes and dreams as well as our biggest fears. We still have a lot to work on, but being purposeful with our time has helped.


And while this post is intended for Marriage Week, I also know the reality of a broken marriage as I have been there before. Whether married, single, dating, or engaged, I encourage you to find ways to love those special people in your life: your spouse, significant other, kids, family, and friends.

Back to Marriage Week---

One of our favorite ways we chose to cultivate our marriage was in 2022 when we attended the Heroes Freedom Weekend in Virginia. This retreat was designed to strengthen and nurture marriage with every well-planned detail.

There were ample opportunities to learn ways to communicate and love well through interactive presentations by Dr. Johnny Parker and his amazing wife Lezlyn.

Having fun together is a MUST! And boy, did we have fun. From delicious meals and tours of historic Colonial Williamsburg to enjoying the beautiful hotel grounds to playing a "How Well Do You Know Your Spouse?" style game--- we laughed and smiled more than we had in a while!

Bonding with other veteran couples was one of the many highlights of this trip! Making lifelong friends to help support and encourage our marriage is vital to making our marriage veteran strong! Surrounding yourself with good people is yet another way to protect and refuel your marriage.

We can't thank the Coalition enough for making veteran marriages a priority. In fact, without the tools we learned that weekend, our trip home may have ended in tears, an argument, and PTSD flare-ups. Instead, we were able to implement the skills right away when after boarding and attempting to take off, our flight was returned to the gate and canceled. We were faced with being stranded in New York for days, but we worked together, used our strengths and got a rental car to make it home by the next day!

How will you be intentional in strengthening your relationships this week?

Written By: Tiffany Steinmann, Caregiver, America's Little Helpers Program Manager

Finding the Balance and Blend

This is the first time I've ever been asked to write about what it is like to live with a Veteran and become their caregiver.  I truly had to think about what direction I wanted to take with this. Let me first tell you a little bit about us both; my name is Tonya and my husband is Joe. 

I am a disabled Navy Veteran, but I never deployed. After I got out of the military I started working for the Department of Defense as a Police Officer. I served for 15 years. In 2007 my mother passed away and I became the caregiver of my sister, who was almost 25 at the time. My sister relocated from Texas to Connecticut to live with me. A year later, in 2008, we relocated to South Carolina, trying to get closer to home.  Then in 2010, I met my husband - he was still on active duty at the time.  We married a short time later, on April 1, 2011 (yes April's Fool's day!) We had our first baby in Jan 2012.

Throughout the first year, we struggled with his drinking. While we dated, I knew he drank but because of my work schedule and the long shifts, he was able to hide the amount that he drank from me. Then after I became pregnant and my work hours changed I realized the amount he was drinking. It truly scared me because my dad was an alcoholic and both of my parents were drug addicts. I refused to have my sister or my children be raised around an alcoholic. We never argued or fought about it, but we talked about it. I explained my reasoning and he would explain his.  He slowed down but would always have an excuse to grab a "six pack 24 oz" on his way home. Finally, when our son was just a few months old, there was an incident where Joe was holding him while he was drunk and almost dropped him because he "tripped". I flipped a lid and put my foot down. It was agreed upon that he would drink only on his birthday, and he would go get the help he needed that following Monday.

Well, that choice started us down a long road that we never expected. The medications he was put on about a year later caused him to be medically discharged from the USMC in April 2013. He struggled a lot with his PTSD/Anxiety but he truly had an amazing Psychologist while we were in South Carolina. Then we decided to relocate to Texas in January 2014, to be closer to our families. Then, we struggled with getting him the proper treatment needed from the VA psychologist clinic in our new town. It seems like every time we turn around he ends up with an intern, who wants to try the same medications he has already tried, so we know it does not work. But because "they are the doctor so they are right" regardless of what the veteran is telling them. I, as the caregiver, have to deal with the aftermath.

As a caregiver and spouse, you deal with a very upset veteran when they get home from their appointments... the mood swings they go through as their medicines are getting changed out, or when they are simply overwhelmed because they are not able to get a doctor for any permanent length of time that listens to them and what they are feeling and/or what they would like to happen. 

My husband does not suffer from any visible physical injuries; the majority are mental and emotional but have given him a form of Tourette Syndrome. His ticks have changed over the years. As his caregiver, these are just as difficult because you have to learn his triggers and watch for his signs. Overall we keep our communication line between us open. I know most of you who are caregivers know that being able to talk to one another is very important. He and I had a hard time in the beginning because we had two children and my special needs sister, who suffers from short-term memory disability and a slight case of cerebral palsy, which is only getting worse as she gets older. All of which just added to the stress, but we all have our trials and tribulations that we deal with daily.

After almost 12 years of marriage, making sure we keep our communication line open between one another and finding even just 30 minutes of alone time throughout the chaos of the day really makes a difference.

Cinderella Liberty

In a marriage, you learn to compromise for one another and communicate. However, it’s not always that simple or easy...

 

We enjoy being a part of our community. We attend several bike events and benefit runs which usually include us being at local bars, VFWs, Legions, etc. Early on in our relationship, we realized that a lot of times, one of us would want to go home and the other was having the time of their life and didn’t want the party to end. This would go back and forth; one night I would want to stay out longer and another night he would want to stay out longer, usually depending on the company or event. We both enjoy socializing but had a hard time communicating when it was the appropriate time to leave at that moment.

My husband and I often sit and reflect on how we can grow together as a couple. We came to the agreement that we needed to set our boundaries ahead of time. We decided when going out, we would always say our goodbyes around 9 and be home no later than 9:30/10 depending on our location. We also agreed if this was going to be broken it had to be discussed ahead of time for a special occasion, like a wedding, vacation, etc.

I am proud to say we have both kept this boundary in place. It has kept us from fighting, having too much to drink, and from evening bar drama. Let’s face it nothing good for our relationship is happening at a bar after 9:30. I love that we both set this Curfew for our relationship; I like to call it Cinderella liberty 😉 and we both stand by it.

We have been open about our set curfew with our friends as they know why we are leaving by 9:00 and no longer try to convince us to stay out. It has been so beneficial for us, that some of our couple friends are implementing the same curfew! One just told me it’s what she and her husband decided to do as a positive change for the new year. My husband and I love to see that our openness in regards to us as a couple setting these boundaries to better support our relationship, has not only helped us but is helping other couples too!

No matter the relationship everyone is growing and changing. My husband and I are always learning how to resolve issues before they become massive problems. We try and talk about things once the dust has settled and find ways to work together to change the baseline. As he says “always seek self-improvement”. We both want to be our best selves and want to see one another succeed. Sometimes a conversation on how to prevent the issue rather than arguing about the issue is the key to the problem. Love is a powerful thing and when you work together as a couple you can be unstoppable. ❤️

Written By: Savanna B. Veteran Caregiver / HTH Representative