Memorial Day Reflection

Memorial Day, for so many, has always been a day of fun in the sun, often marking the start of the summer season and the day that pools open.  For most of us growing up, it was a day filled with family fun, cookouts, games, and/or maybe a trip to the lake, beach, or pool.  While there would often be a lot of flags being flown and a general air of patriotism, for far too many years, all the holiday was was a tradition of a free day off work, a long weekend, and an excuse to fire up the grill and crack open a few cold drinks.  

I can’t lie, growing up and into the first part of my adult years, all of this was true for me as well.  For the past 17 years, though, Memorial Day has meant so much more to my family and me.  My husband’s Alive Day is May 29th, so it is always close to Memorial Day weekend. 

This is bittersweet because there are always celebrations around for the holiday, which helps us celebrate him surviving, but also rough because he lost four Marines the day he got hit.  While Veteran’s Day celebrates veterans, Memorial Day is a day set aside to honor and remember those who paid the ultimate price in service to our country.  A day to pay homage to those who didn’t make it home.  For veterans, veteran families, and especially families of the fallen, Memorial Day is so much more than a free day off and an excuse to BBQ.  

Across the country, you will find many of these people at graveyards placing flowers on the tombstones of their loved ones, or flags on the tombstones of fallen comrades, all there to honor the service members who didn’t make it home. Other veterans have developed other traditions that are special to them and can be done with their families or in private.  My husband watches a YouTube report that was done by a reporter who was embedded with his unit for a couple of weeks. Whatever the tradition, you can be sure that it is something that they all hold sacred.

This May 29th marked 18 years since Jimmy was severely injured by a VBIED in Ramadi, Iraq.  His Alive Day was the day before Memorial Day this year and will actually fall on Memorial Day next year.  He has been working with his therapist on one of the things that have bothered him the most over the years – his feelings of guilt.  Jimmy was the Platoon Sergeant, and as such, was the one who made the call to ride back in the Hummers instead of finishing off the foot patrol they had started on.  Any of us would’ve made the same choice given the circumstances they were under that day. 

The day prior, one of his Marines had a phone call home and found out his wife was pregnant and was subsequently killed by the same car bomb that took Jimmy’s leg.  Because it was his call to get in the vehicles, Jimmy has always felt guilty, but when I became pregnant with our first child, that guilt became much worse – he felt that he had stolen the other Marine’s life.  

Over the past several years, we have discussed him reaching out to the Marine’s widow, but he never seemed to follow through, and I never pushed the subject as I didn’t feel it was my place.  But, his therapist was able to work with him, and he got her information a little over a month ago.  He started writing the letter many times, only to get frustrated and throw it away because he didn’t think it was good enough.  Although it took almost a full notebook for him to get it done, I’m happy to say he mailed it out last week.  

In the days since he has finished it, there has been a calmness, or peace, in him that I haven’t seen in quite a long time.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say that he is “cured,” or that he will no longer carry the guilt he has carried for all these years – but I would dare to say this step has definitely lightened the load for him, and for that I am happy.

Written by Beth King, Veteran Caregiver

The Rope of Life

You are on a line between life and death. What can you do? Nothing. But there are things that come out of that. The Anxiety stage is when you are looking into a mirror and you see the different futures of yourself, and you don't know which you'll have. Some people get over it; others don't. But it will get better as time goes on, and if it doesn't, then you still have to hold on to hope, even if it feels like it's slipping from your fingers. God is standing right next to you all the time; you just have to believe to see him. On the line between life and death, you have to balance your way to where you need to go in life. Then, when our time comes, we move on. Sometimes it will feel like a whole boulder of Anxiety is tumbling onto you. But if you hold onto hope, you can make it anywhere; just keep going because you know you'll make people proud.

Written by a Child Caregiver

Mom Guilt

Mom guilt is such a real thing and something I think many struggle with but not many talk about. 

There are probably some who are struggling with it now, or have in the past, without even knowing what to call it – they just know they struggle with a feeling of guilt over things that may be out of their control.  We never think our kids will do “this” or go through “that;” then, when they do, we find ourselves questioning where or how we went wrong.  Over the past year, I have had to face things that have brought up questions of if/how things from my past (past traumas or even things I’ve done) could touch my kids.

Roughly seven months ago, my husband walked in on our daughter, hurting herself.  This, unfortunately, wasn’t necessarily the first time; when she was younger, she used to pinch and scratch herself.  As a former cutter, I cannot express the myriad of mixed emotions I felt.  I had never thought I would ever find my daughter doing something like that.  I came from a home of illness, abuse, and divorce.  My daughter hasn’t gone through any of those things.  As parents, we all strive to do better than outs did, at least in any area that we feel was bad in our childhood.  But just because we don’t repeat the bad things that happened to us doesn’t mean we don’t have to look for deeper issues.  As soon as my husband and I found out what our daughter was doing, we immediately got her help and talked to her about where this could lead. 

The first month and a half was pretty difficult; we were constantly double-checking her to ensure there were no new marks or anything.  She seemed to be happier and lighter, and slowly we began to check her less and less until, eventually, we stopped checking.

Looking back now, I can see I was quick to jump on the bandwagon wanting to say/believe that she was better.  It wasn’t too long, though, until all that came crashing and crumbling down around me.  Not only had she hurt herself again, but this time she went a step further and used a knife.  One of my worst nightmares had just come true.  After two hours of unanswered questions on why and what made her take this step, we took her to the ER.  Having to watch a bunch of nurses clear out EVERYTHING from an ER room, and knowing the reason why they are doing it, is such a scary thing.  To have to hold your baby girl while she is crying her eyes out and begging you to please take her home is absolutely heartbreaking.  I’ve been that girl.  And now, just like my mother had to, I had to look her in the eyes and tell her no, that we can’t do that, but that I would stay by her side the whole time because her being okay was all that mattered to me.  

Weeks have gone by since that Sunday, but it still feels like it happened just the other day.  I’ve spent weeks going over anything and everything in my head, trying to figure out if it could be this or that.  When something like this happens, you start questioning everyone – your husband, other family members, teachers, or anyone who has close contact with her. 

I was finally able to rule out people who had not harmed her and things that had not happened to her.  These are good things to know, but they do nothing for the fear of what caused her to do it and if it could cause her to do it again. 

This time we were lucky, and the cuts were really shallow and superficial, but what happens if she does it again and goes deeper?  If I don’t ask the hard questions now and something happens again, would I even get another chance to help her?

This is where I started to take a deeper look into my own past.  When my parents found out I was hurting myself, all they saw was that I was going through this or that and thought there was no wonder to why I had started hurting myself.  The thing is, those were all external reasons.  It’s the internal reasons that are the root of the problem.  Like my daughter, I always felt I had to be perfect. I was always the caretaker for my mom when she was battling cancer, but even before that, I always felt I had to be her protector.  I kept many secrets from her and made a lot of adult decisions because I didn’t want anything to upset her.  These are things I should not have had to do, and neither should my daughter. 

I guess this is where the guilt comes in.  The questions start racing through your mind about things you have and/or haven’t done for your kids.  Was I, or am I, attentive enough?  Despite not letting my kids go through things I had to, did I miss or fail something else? 

Have I not shown them enough love or instilled in them enough self-worth?  These are just a few questions I personally am still trying to answer.  Sometimes being an over-protective mom doesn’t pay off, because it is one of the factors that keep us from teaching our kids the tools necessary to deal with feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety, and depression.  

Written by a Veteran Caregiver

Stay tuned for a follow-up blog written from the child's perspective.