Memorial Day Reflection

Memorial Day, for so many, has always been a day of fun in the sun, often marking the start of the summer season and the day that pools open.  For most of us growing up, it was a day filled with family fun, cookouts, games, and/or maybe a trip to the lake, beach, or pool.  While there would often be a lot of flags being flown and a general air of patriotism, for far too many years, all the holiday was was a tradition of a free day off work, a long weekend, and an excuse to fire up the grill and crack open a few cold drinks.  

I can’t lie, growing up and into the first part of my adult years, all of this was true for me as well.  For the past 17 years, though, Memorial Day has meant so much more to my family and me.  My husband’s Alive Day is May 29th, so it is always close to Memorial Day weekend. 

This is bittersweet because there are always celebrations around for the holiday, which helps us celebrate him surviving, but also rough because he lost four Marines the day he got hit.  While Veteran’s Day celebrates veterans, Memorial Day is a day set aside to honor and remember those who paid the ultimate price in service to our country.  A day to pay homage to those who didn’t make it home.  For veterans, veteran families, and especially families of the fallen, Memorial Day is so much more than a free day off and an excuse to BBQ.  

Across the country, you will find many of these people at graveyards placing flowers on the tombstones of their loved ones, or flags on the tombstones of fallen comrades, all there to honor the service members who didn’t make it home. Other veterans have developed other traditions that are special to them and can be done with their families or in private.  My husband watches a YouTube report that was done by a reporter who was embedded with his unit for a couple of weeks. Whatever the tradition, you can be sure that it is something that they all hold sacred.

This May 29th marked 18 years since Jimmy was severely injured by a VBIED in Ramadi, Iraq.  His Alive Day was the day before Memorial Day this year and will actually fall on Memorial Day next year.  He has been working with his therapist on one of the things that have bothered him the most over the years – his feelings of guilt.  Jimmy was the Platoon Sergeant, and as such, was the one who made the call to ride back in the Hummers instead of finishing off the foot patrol they had started on.  Any of us would’ve made the same choice given the circumstances they were under that day. 

The day prior, one of his Marines had a phone call home and found out his wife was pregnant and was subsequently killed by the same car bomb that took Jimmy’s leg.  Because it was his call to get in the vehicles, Jimmy has always felt guilty, but when I became pregnant with our first child, that guilt became much worse – he felt that he had stolen the other Marine’s life.  

Over the past several years, we have discussed him reaching out to the Marine’s widow, but he never seemed to follow through, and I never pushed the subject as I didn’t feel it was my place.  But, his therapist was able to work with him, and he got her information a little over a month ago.  He started writing the letter many times, only to get frustrated and throw it away because he didn’t think it was good enough.  Although it took almost a full notebook for him to get it done, I’m happy to say he mailed it out last week.  

In the days since he has finished it, there has been a calmness, or peace, in him that I haven’t seen in quite a long time.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say that he is “cured,” or that he will no longer carry the guilt he has carried for all these years – but I would dare to say this step has definitely lightened the load for him, and for that I am happy.

Written by Beth King, Veteran Caregiver