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There are probably some who are struggling with it now, or have in the past, without even knowing what to call it – they just know they struggle with a feeling of guilt over things that may be out of their control. We never think our kids will do “this” or go through “that;” then, when they do, we find ourselves questioning where or how we went wrong. Over the past year, I have had to face things that have brought up questions of if/how things from my past (past traumas or even things I’ve done) could touch my kids.
Roughly seven months ago, my husband walked in on our daughter, hurting herself. This, unfortunately, wasn’t necessarily the first time; when she was younger, she used to pinch and scratch herself. As a former cutter, I cannot express the myriad of mixed emotions I felt. I had never thought I would ever find my daughter doing something like that. I came from a home of illness, abuse, and divorce. My daughter hasn’t gone through any of those things. As parents, we all strive to do better than outs did, at least in any area that we feel was bad in our childhood. But just because we don’t repeat the bad things that happened to us doesn’t mean we don’t have to look for deeper issues. As soon as my husband and I found out what our daughter was doing, we immediately got her help and talked to her about where this could lead.
The first month and a half was pretty difficult; we were constantly double-checking her to ensure there were no new marks or anything. She seemed to be happier and lighter, and slowly we began to check her less and less until, eventually, we stopped checking.
Looking back now, I can see I was quick to jump on the bandwagon wanting to say/believe that she was better. It wasn’t too long, though, until all that came crashing and crumbling down around me. Not only had she hurt herself again, but this time she went a step further and used a knife. One of my worst nightmares had just come true. After two hours of unanswered questions on why and what made her take this step, we took her to the ER. Having to watch a bunch of nurses clear out EVERYTHING from an ER room, and knowing the reason why they are doing it, is such a scary thing. To have to hold your baby girl while she is crying her eyes out and begging you to please take her home is absolutely heartbreaking. I’ve been that girl. And now, just like my mother had to, I had to look her in the eyes and tell her no, that we can’t do that, but that I would stay by her side the whole time because her being okay was all that mattered to me.
Weeks have gone by since that Sunday, but it still feels like it happened just the other day. I’ve spent weeks going over anything and everything in my head, trying to figure out if it could be this or that. When something like this happens, you start questioning everyone – your husband, other family members, teachers, or anyone who has close contact with her.
I was finally able to rule out people who had not harmed her and things that had not happened to her. These are good things to know, but they do nothing for the fear of what caused her to do it and if it could cause her to do it again.
This time we were lucky, and the cuts were really shallow and superficial, but what happens if she does it again and goes deeper? If I don’t ask the hard questions now and something happens again, would I even get another chance to help her?
This is where I started to take a deeper look into my own past. When my parents found out I was hurting myself, all they saw was that I was going through this or that and thought there was no wonder to why I had started hurting myself. The thing is, those were all external reasons. It’s the internal reasons that are the root of the problem. Like my daughter, I always felt I had to be perfect. I was always the caretaker for my mom when she was battling cancer, but even before that, I always felt I had to be her protector. I kept many secrets from her and made a lot of adult decisions because I didn’t want anything to upset her. These are things I should not have had to do, and neither should my daughter.
I guess this is where the guilt comes in. The questions start racing through your mind about things you have and/or haven’t done for your kids. Was I, or am I, attentive enough? Despite not letting my kids go through things I had to, did I miss or fail something else?
Have I not shown them enough love or instilled in them enough self-worth? These are just a few questions I personally am still trying to answer. Sometimes being an over-protective mom doesn’t pay off, because it is one of the factors that keep us from teaching our kids the tools necessary to deal with feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety, and depression.
Written by a Veteran Caregiver
Stay tuned for a follow-up blog written from the child's perspective.
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