A Veteran's Path

After finishing my second meditation, I am completely refreshed and ready to face the second part of my day. I feel prepared, motivated, and above all, ready for whatever comes! I am a meditator. I am also a disabled veteran who was wounded in the Iraq war during Operation Iraqi Freedom. To put it simply, I am a veteran who meditates, but meditation has not always been a part of my daily routine. For the past 16 years, I have battled with symptoms of PTSD and the effects it has had on my overall life. PTSD has impacted me physically, mentally, spiritually, and even more in my role as father and husband. Today I can tell you that never again will it rule me!

It has been 278 days since I began practicing the Transcendental Meditation technique twice a day for 20 minutes each time. As of Monday, June 22, 2020, I have meditated for 9 months; 111 hours and 20 minutes. I have not missed a single day, and today I share the great transformation that has occurred in my life.

Transcendental Meditation is not a religion; it is more a mental exercise that will enrich your life regardless of whether you are a physicist, chemist, astrologer, war veteran, or religious person. At every stage of life, when stress is relieved, life becomes better. Transcendental Meditation practice offers a very real transformation of the mind over the body.

To start practicing this type of meditation, one must have an intrinsic desire to improve their quality of life, and that is what happened within the depths of my being. However, I first had to hit rock bottom in a brutal and painful way.  I want to make it clear that the invisible wounds of war are definitively much more lethal than the physical injuries that can be seen on me.

I am a legally blind veteran. I lost my vision in Iraq in 2004 as a direct consequence of an ambush coordinated by insurgents. Most of my injuries were to the head, and I suffered a penetrating traumatic brain injury, in addition to the loss of vision and several other injuries, all of which were just as real and traumatic. I had to learn to live with the ravages of a TBI with severe PTSD. It looks like a chemical formula, but it is actually a recipe for disaster. For 15 years, my family survived thanks to their love and constant battle to try to accept and understand my condition. It's not easy to love a warrior, especially a warrior whose war will never end. In my case, mine ended.

On August 1, 2019, I lost control in such a brutal way that my wife confessed that she was afraid. That day I had a big disagreement with a customer service representative, who, during a phone call trying to resolve a situation, I felt made fun of me and simply did not want to assume the responsibility that she had in the matter due to an error of her part. This person only made fun of me and did not answer my calls anymore which caused me to lose control and destroyed my entire office in a violent and aggressive way. My wife witnessed this episode, and although it was not the first time, she had no choice but to leave home to prevent our daughters from seeing this tremendous outburst. This behavior is considered abuse, plain and simple. By the time the waters reached its channel, I was alone, extremely ashamed, and disappointed in myself. Once again, it is not easy to love a warrior...

After the intervention of my doctors in the mental health department at the VA, my doctors at the PTSD clinic helped me to reunify with my family. At this time, I felt that I had to make a markable change in my life and decided to take up something new. It was time to learn to meditate and practice some yoga postures so that whatever was trying to steal my tranquility could no longer. I would do whatever I needed to quiet this silent hunter who constantly haunted me by besieging my daily life in such an aggressive and painful way.

Thus, I began to conquer my life on the back porch of our home. There I practiced meditations guided by videos that I found on the Internet, and decidedly and let's say very disciplined I found myself meditating three times a day. Every time I understood how much I needed it. Many times, when I checked the timer, an hour or more had elapsed without noticing it. I continued to go deeper into techniques that varied from Mindfulness to Kundalini, to some Buddhist teachings. I learned about chakras and the energies that govern our bodies. Everything I learned was self-taught, and due to my visual impairment, it was difficult for me to achieve some postures in yoga.

This change in my life was really working for me, I felt much calmer, structured and meaningful, but if I wanted to continue on this path, I understood that I had to look for some kind of guide. I needed to get involved with a meditation center or yoga facility where I could relate to people who were more advanced than me on their way to enlightenment. I devoted myself to doing an Internet search about meditation teachers, and the results I found led me to information about Transcendental Meditation. How was it that there was another type of meditation called Transcendental Meditation that I knew nothing about? By the time I realized it, I was already in a conversation with someone trying to pair me with a local teacher. It was a relatively organic and direct process. I did not have much to decide about what I wanted; I just didn't have in my hands.

My teacher taught me that Transcendental Meditation (TM) was first introduced into the United States in 1959 by the Indian teacher Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and transcendental means going beyond my reach. Maharishi chose this term to indicate that TM will spontaneously take one beyond their familiar level of being fully awake to a state of deep rest coupled with heightened alertness. Maharishi's technique for achieving this status effortlessly can be learned in four days and then practiced for only 15 to 20 minutes each morning and evening. The specific method of allowing the activity of the mind to settle down requires you to sit down comfortably with your eyes closed. This mental process automatically triggers a physiological response conducive to both depressed and increased wakefulness. Learning to meditate does not involve cultivating news you know but instead simply allowing an innate ability of the nervous system to relax.  It requires no particular attitude, preparatory ritual, setting or unusual postures. I normally practice this technique at home, but the reality is that it may be done in any place where I could sit comfortably without being disturbed. I have meditated on planes and in waiting rooms.

During Transcendental Meditation, I have been able to allow my mind to experience a relaxed and enjoyable stage, which draws my attention inward. I realized that in the Bible it says knock and the door will be open, and it is true! If you want to know anything in this life, you just have to knock on the door, whether that be physically on someone's door and ask that question or try something new and be as lucky as I was to find healing in meditation.

In TM, I have experienced a state in which my mind becomes very quiet yet extraordinary alert even though the sense of feelings or thoughts may be present. I have also experienced brief or sometimes extended periods of blank awareness where I am fully awake, yet nothing runs through my mind.  This feeling of not being asleep but also not being aware of anything in particular happens when our wakeful attention is generally engaged by the objects of our experience.

In the case of veterans like myself who also have PTSD, our experiences cause an unending cascade of thoughts, emotions, sensations, and perceptions of the tragedy of war, the pestilence, and nightmares we have to relive every day. For me, to have an opportunity for two brief daily periods of effortless disengagement from these continuous thoughts is when I am able to allow my attention to shift inward.  This is when I get the opportunity to experience quiet levels in the mind where I become increasingly aware of the unbounded nature of my awareness in the absence of objects. My teacher told me that this stage, termed as pure awareness, consists of nothing more than being wide awake inside without being aware of anything except awareness itself.

With this method, you transcend with a sound that is is more like a vibration. My teacher gave me a mantra that brings the body to rest and calms everything down. It brings harmony and union between all the senses, so thoughts become less and less until you can arrive at the point, which is transcendental- beyond the senses, beyond intellect.

This has worked for me, and today I simply cannot conceive a single day without meditating because of how easy this technique is, it is possible to complete with minimal effort. Therefore, I could not imagine how I would deprive myself of those 20 minutes in my day to simply be silent. The physiological benefits are so abundant and well documented that it seems incredible to me that it has not been implemented more in our Veterans Hospitals. Since it is available, but I feel that it has not been given the importance it deserves... the hard proof is me. Within every person, there exists an infinite reservoir of energy and intelligence, which Maharishi has termed the source of creative intelligence.

The quality of the functioning of your brain determines the quality of the function of the mind. It is time for us to appreciate our mind as an essential element in our physical functioning because the mind depends on the body as much as the body depends on our mind for optimal functioning. If not, we will exist, but we could call ourselves much less than human since the wonderful creature that we are is limited when we neglect one or the other. Healthy mind, healthy body- we have heard it repeatedly, but we do not seem to understand.

I am convinced that every thought, word, and action I commit is setting forth influence in my surroundings, and that influence is not restricted to any boundaries; it goes on and on and reaches every level of creation. Consider the impact my daily meditation is having on my wife, daughters, and the general environment in our home. I feel closer to God; in the church, I can understand the message much clearer since my mind and body are relaxed. Through meditation, I have been able to quiet the tensions and traumas that I have had, possibly since childhood counting the traumas acquired in the war. We all retain stresses and traumas in our daily living, but through Transcendental Meditation, we have the opportunity to clear the way for our thoughts, so that our thoughts can emerge from our pure consciousness directly into our minds. By meditating with the TM technique, we can access the unified field of pure consciousness, which is a place that contains unbound creativity and infinite energy when our brain enters a state that neurologists call coherence. With the abundance of creativity, you feel much happier that suddenly everything becomes possible; what was impossible before, you find a creative solution. Thus, there is no place for sadness and depression. This abundance of happiness is what our mind is drawn back to again and again with the help of the mantra.

Transcendental Meditation is much more than what I have shared here. I encourage you to look for more information on your own, and we will overcome this plague that afflicts us called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Our families deserve you to be the best you can be.

"By exploring deep within ourselves by the method of transcendental deep Meditation we rise to fathom the ocean of life energy present within ourselves and tap the power of cosmic intelligence and bring the force of eternity and cosmic energy in the present right here and now and be what we want to be what we ought to be and what we deserve to be "-Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Written by U.S. Army (Ret) Spc. Hugo Gonzalez

The Visit

📷 Credit:  Maryland Department of Natural Resources

As soon as evening fell, he heard that ghostly sound that had haunted him since he arrived at that remote spot in the woods of Seneca Creek State Park in Montgomery County, Maryland. He always hoped that at some point, some boy would identify who was trying to scare that veteran of war. But that did not happen. He needed to look for different ways to counteract the onslaught of post-traumatic stress that afflicted him since he was gravely wounded on his last tour in Iraq in 2004. In this previous appointment with death, he hardly noticed it, since, after four combat tours, he thought he was unstoppable. After each mission, he always returned to what he understood was his normalcy, being under constant harassment from combat against the possibility of dying. There were many times he had to stare death in the eyes that he had already lost his fear. 

 

In this last meeting in 2004, the lady in black required as collateral and consolation prize both eyes of that soldier. A blast explosive from an IED (improvised explosive device) caused a cranial contusion... When he woke up from the induced coma, he could no longer see. 

He was blind, and from that moment, his real war began, the war that we carry inside because the traumas of war did not end when the guns stopped firing. For him, he was devastated because he could not return to serve in the Army, in the place where facing death was when he could feel more alive.

 

For this reason, as a means of counteracting the severe symptoms of post-traumatic stress that plagued him day by day as a silent hunter, he found refuge in writing. He could be secluded from society, and for some reason, he found peace in solitude. With the help of some contacts at a local veteran's organization, he was able to rent Germantown's oldest surviving structure for six days, a cabin where local history lessons are taught to adults and children. Located amid Seneca Creek State Park’s 6,300 acres along 14 miles of Seneca Creek’s natural beauties and facilities for boating and fishing and trails for hiking, bicycling and horseback riding is a hidden gem. The 164-year-old Grusendorf Log Cabin is the oldest surviving structure from the original Germantown.1

 

While there, he intended to feast on the large amount of history encapsulated in the ancient walls, energy that he felt he could channel and capture in his writings. But that sound that was more than a deep lament did not allow her to consent. Bravely he ventured into the surroundings of his ancient hut. Still, nothing could be seen beyond his deep darkness and that presence that only moaned with a deafening scream, quietly disturbing him to the point that he did not want the night that the spectrum brought with him.

 

It was the fourth night that this experience persisted. Still, on this night, the objection was obviously closer and accompanied by a thick, suffocating odor of butane gas, which sometimes burned his throat. However, today it was different because a feeling of brotherhood calmed his senses. He invited the furious encounter in the cabin in the form of crying like that of a mother suffering the pain of childbirth. That deep sound seemed to hide a message that without textual words, this veteran could understand. He safely sneaked past the front door threshold. Assisted by a rope that is used in the exploration of underwater caves, the elderly veteran ventured outside as he would when he used the latrine. He approached that grunt that tormented him and felt the candor of the presence that called him. A feeling of familiarity filled his chest with confidence as if someone very close and well-known came to him without words, speaking directly to his mind... so loud and clear that it seemed he could feel the breath of the entity saying, "I have a great treasure for you, just tell me if you want it."

 

The retired Colonel of the Special Forces of the United States Army, said to her, "Tell me who you are."

 

He extended his hand to try to touch what was obviously so close to him and closed his fist in the air; he desperately tried to reach with his other hand, and yet nothing could be touched.

 

From his hand, directly to his ear, he felt a whisper that said, "What I offer you will only be once, and you will never hear from me if you don't accept my gift."

 

Scared, he replied, "What do you want; what do you want?"

 

A warm dew on that cold autumn night bathed his face, and the burning that produced the drops that penetrated his eyes made him rub them to dispel the irritation. When he blinked, he saw he was blinded by the sun's glow reflected in the lake that bordered the cabin. Behind the mountains, the infinite blue of the sky contrasting with the beauty of sunflowers filled his rejuvenated eyes with tears, and he fell to his knees. When he felt the candid and tender hands of that platinum-haired nymph, who extended her help to unite she said, "This is my treasure that I give to you; you have lost your ability to see the world, and here I return it to you because you are good and pure of heart and soul. This treasure is yours with only one condition... Change and make your essence of being like mine, your breath, the most inherent part of you. The moment you accept this treasure, your own soul will never be yours because it will be mine forever. Just kiss my hand, and the pact will be sealed."

 

Marveled by the beauty of his surroundings, which was never as he had visualized it from the tranquil tempest of his blindness. Not thinking twice, he hurried her beautiful hands to his lips, sealing that pact with that kiss.

 

He instantly saw with his brand-new eyes how that smooth skin disintegrated into small particles of black sand, similar to ashes. Little by little, they revealed the phalanges of the bones of that skull hand. A nauseating odor pushed him towards the ground, falling on his back he could see how around him everything was filled with darkness that only gave way to the stars.

 

He observed his hand full of mud, and when he tried to see where that thing was, he could only observe the torn scratches of the black robe that was lost in the forest's undergrowth.  That deep groan faded further and further away, which this veteran pleads with God every night, never to hear again. 

A Short Story Written by U.S. Army (Ret) Spc. Hugo Gonzalez

1Realistic elements from The Visit’s setting are cited from https://www.culturespotmc.com/seneca-creek-state-parks-grusendorf-log-cabin-holds-open-house-on-Saturday-morning/

A Super Proud Dad

Military kids face challenges and rise above them with resiliency. They know about respect, rules, and care about veterans. Many have a parent or know another veteran who was wounded. For some of our military children, the only reality they know is the reality of the recovery process of a wounded veteran. It can be a challenging experience that may involve confusion, frustration, medications, and symptoms of a traumatic brain injury and post-traumatic stress disorder. This can be devastating for the family, and secondary post-traumatic stress disorder is not uncommon among military families.

Life for military kids and families has become even more complicated during these unprecedented times. Living in a true pandemic, a completely new situation for all of us, and an environment full of uncertainty where we are living day to day as adults is very difficult, and I can only try to imagine what it is like for a 14-year-old teen like my daughters. 

As the pandemic came to our shores and the reports of death spanning the globe, there came the abrupt reality life was about to change drastically. Schools quickly went through adjustments to protect our children from this contagious virus. In our home, distance-learning and new house rules were implemented to dissipate the perception that this was going to be nothing more than a bona fide extended vacation. We created a routine where our children needed to be up and ready at 8 am to be on time for their online classes. Everything from math, art, choir, and physical education were taught over the internet. While it was an amazing experience, this new routine came with challenges as everyone was completing their assignments in one place, our home. 

The girls would wake up early in the morning, but once their learnings were complete and all their assignments were finished, they went back to sleep or laid down in their beds. We knew something needed to change, but it took some time for us to figure out what we could do, and by the time we did, the midnight snack routine was well established as an everyday occurrence. Around 12 midnight or 1 am, I would hear the little ones venture downstairs looking for something to eat, and before I knew it, everyone in the family was downstairs. This was a vicious cycle of going to be late, waking up early for distance learning, going back to sleep midday, and being sleepless during the night. Thus, the midnight snack ensued.

Once we realized what was happening and were able to rearrange our schedules so that it was the best possible routine for our family, our home's most beautiful experiences were observed. We built many memories together over time. Our daughters worked together with great creativity and thoughtfulness to adapt card games and Monopoly so that I, who am legally blind, could participate with them in family game nights. We also held family karaoke on Saturday nights and filled a plastic pool on the back porch. With all the positive memories being made together, there was something that blurred the whole picture a little, two of our three daughters were graduates. We wondered, would all their efforts and preparations they looked forward to throughout the school year for a great graduation party even be a possibility this year? 

Sadly, graduation could not be held traditionally at our daughters' school because it could not be safely carried out while complying with the minimum rules of social distancing and sanitation to prevent the spread of the coronavirus. However, the twins did get to participate in the centennial tradition that consists of ringing a bell tower, symbolizing the transition from elementary school to high school.

Through this quarantine time, we never received a single action of reproach or demand from our girls despite the fact in our house we were practicing social distancing while their social networks demonstrated a behavior very different from what we were implementing in our home. Our daughters' friends walked to the beaches of our city and frequented the drive-thru to buy Starbucks for themselves. To us, it was inconceivable to expose our family that way. Other friends coordinated playdates and gatherings on their social networks... and not a single criticism from our daughters. Not one tantrum.

That is why I consider myself to be the proudest father in the world because despite my physical and soul wounds suffered in war, I feel that God has blessed me infinitely with the family that He has given me and with the daughters that He has allowed me to have. Despite the fact that our daughters do not have a father who can sit down with them every day to review the assignments because of my blindness, how I help is limited, and their mother is still learning English, they pressed on through the school year. Throughout the years, our role has been to motivate our girls to achieve good grades with minimal supervision, and this year was no different. Our three daughters ended a challenging and uncertain school year strongly by making the Honor Roll in the 3rd and 4th quarter, and one of the twins earned Academic Excellence in math. I’m sure my story is not unique as a veteran and parent in the way I am proud of my children because of who they are.

God is great and allows me to live through these events, and that provides me with the peace and tranquility that gives me the confidence to continue pushing forward on my personal road to recovery.