Memorial Day - Melissa Johnson

Take time to remember the fallen. More often than not their stories are lined with placing themselves in harm’s way to protect their brothers in arms. What would you do to protect your family? They are  a hero doing a job that only 2 percent of our population signs up to do.   For those whom may get confused Memorial Day is about remembering the ones that paid the ultimate sacrifice, and the family left behind. A Gold star family means a family who has lost their military family member, until I had a husband that served in the military did not know that. I was in working as a preschool teacher and in that term gold star was for reward terms. There is nothing rewarding in losing your love one. This means they are already facing a life that most of the military community keeps unspoken and fears. If you find yourself in a place where you’re able to make their day a little better I encourage you do so because they already had their worse day. Laughter and love is what they need.

This Memorial Day we had planned on planting flowers at the memorial of a fallen soldier at our local armory. The weather changed that for us. It has been 4 days of rain and thunderstorm and that is not changing our plans only delaying it.  We instead took a drive to pick out the flowers. But early next week the rain showers will have passed and given time for the rain to dry. And those flowers will be planted by our whole family. When that family comes with the three boys they will see beauty and remembrance for the father they lost. I believe with all my heart that we should all leave something a little better than we found it.  It does take a lot of effort or money to do so. Kindness can always be afforded. Until we are able to complete this family project of honor and we are stuck inside on rainy afternoon we made lemonade from scratch. We toasted names and said prayers for some peoples heart wrenching moments that changed how the live and had to move on without their person.
When life gives you lemons make lemonade,
The Johnsons

Caregiver Appreciation Month

Hello! May was  Military Caregiver Appreciation Month, and to celebrate we wanted to highlight some very important Caregivers and their veterans!

Lacy Mullen and her veteran:

Christy Perez and her veteran:

Antoinette Batchelor and her veteran:

Jennifer Urbany and her veteran: 

Sarah Daughenbaugh and her veteran:

Nicole Alexander and her veteran:

Caitlin Donovan and her veteran:

Vicki Kern Boswell and her veteran:

Christa Cox and her veteran:

Sherri Piper and her veteran: 

Ashlee Williams and her veteran: 

Francoise Glass and her Veteran:

Sierra Maria and her veteran:

Amber Smith and her veteran:

Amy Miracle and her veteran:

Laura Stearns and her veteran:

Tiffany Steinmann and her Veteran:

Denys and her veteran:

Whitney Hanrahan and her veteran: 

Memorial Day

"Happy Memorial Day", that's a phrase most often heard over that three day weekend. People take that long weekend to barbecue, go to the beach, go to the first day most pools open, or go shopping because your favorite store is having a Memorial Day sale. It's a weekend a lot of fun and happy things are done.

But truth be told, Memorial Day isn't really a happy day, it's not really a sad day, but it isn't a day that should start with "happy". Memorial Day, is a day that was meant to reflect, appreciate, and honor our service men and women who have given their lives to protect our freedom, and help others gain their own freedom. It isn't a day to thank a "living" veteran, that's veterans day. We should always be thankful for our veterans, of course. Some have come home with severe injuries, visible and invisible, but Memorial Day isn't their day.

To really appreciate and understand the meaning Memorial Day, visit the many memorials in Washington DC dedicated to the wars our veterans have served in and lost their lives, visit a VA hospital, visit Arlington Cemetery or any other cemetery where veterans have been laid to rest. Leave a wreath or some flowers on a veterans grave, even if you never knew them. Say a prayer or have a moment of silence to thank them for giving all they had to give, their lives so you may have your life.

There is so much to be thankful for, even if you don't think so right now, you do have something in your life that is precious, every one does. And one thing we all have in common to be thankful for are the men and women who lost their lives in combat.

Now this entry is not saying you shouldn't spend your time barbecuing, going to opening day at your local pool, or go to those Memorial day sales. It's just simply saying to take some time out of your day to do something that honors our fallen.

So next year, take into consideration what Memorial Day really means, and do something that honors the ones who have laid down their lives.

My Family Is My World

My husband and family are my world. I couldn’t imagine my life any different. I am my husband’s caregiver and have been now for 13 years. My husband Donny was injured while on deployment as a Marine in Iraq in 2004. While on a foot patrol he was shot in the face, and to this day the bullet is still lodge in his skull near his brain. My husband’s injuries are what you call “invisible wounds” Just by looking at him you couldn’t tell he was severely wounded and almost didn’t come home the night of Oct 12th, 2004.  Although his injuries are invisible they are very present every day. Memory loss, nerve pain, post-traumatic stress are all things we deal with daily. Being my husband’s caregiver allows me to remove any additional stress he may encounter outside of the items listed above. We’re a team no doubt, but I handle a lot of the day to day with our kids and home schedule leaving hardly any time for myself. Being a caregiver takes a strong person to step up and say yes, I’ll be there for you through the good and the bad. Every day is different and being a caregiver you mentally prepare yourself before going to bed knowing that tomorrow will bring new challenges and try every emotion you have. I take pride in knowing the care I have for my husband is appreciated but more importantly recognized nationally. My life as a caregiver is challenging but I take pride in it every day knowing I’m helping my hero get through his bad days and to have better ones.

Make Sure To Take Every Second When The Moments Arrive - Melissa Johnson

My husband isn't always able to spend quality time to his kids, me or for even that matter himself. Those are tough moments, because in general I can fix almost anything, except when they just want his time and attention and he is unable to give it. He is not always like that, there are moments that are great, and in those moments I try to be less so he can be more. Our kids need the influence of both parents, and I usually can tell the difference between great and oh no we are going down the hill quickly. I make sure they all have time with their dad alone and all together. He may not be able to give him his best self everyday because in that moment of time he is not able to give his self the best. But they are not lacking his attention and love with quality moments that they will love forever etched in their mind and hearts. You really have to work hard to have them, but they are worth it for both our efforts.
Nicholas flies kites with his dad, they bike ride, they go to trips by the lake and race boats, and they build block villages on mind craft. He does bath time, and reads books. He likes to build Legos and listen to how Nicholas' day went. He takes them on local outings when he is up for it. Whatever they are into he comes to their world.
Addison gets to play babies and dress up. They color and draw, and they snuggle and watch television and princess movies galore is what she's really into right now. They take walks around the yard and the last topic they talked about was, what are all the animals that are biters? It's harder than you think, to come up with answers for her ever curious questions, which always requires very lengthy answers. Addison has a way about her that keeps his mind busy in a positive way. She is great for him.

Jasmine our oldest comes and tell stories, they share funny videos, and snap chats. He takes her out for lunch dates and talks about school and sports. They hits Volleyballs and tosses softballs. He shows up to her games.  Even if Nathan stands way back in the quiet where is is most comfortable. She knows she is important.

We grill out, we have a small fire and s'mores. I look up, and keep a calendar of all the free activities available around each month. I keep our budget, which is tight, and keep the fun coming. It does not have to be expensive to be fun.  I never tell the kids, so they are just up for nice surprises not disappointments if he can’t handle it and has to back out. I can assure you that otherwise it would be tear producing melt downs. I have found that the kids can keep Nate out of a bad mood,, and they really love this time. I love staying connected as a family. Life changed for us, but it does not mean any the less quality.  It just means we all adapt and stay flexible to new ways. They are becoming better adults having to think of other needs and not focus just on themselves.
They are all starting to understand that dad can not do some things somtimes. They have not questioned why, they understand to be the best sometimes he just needs quiet time. I hope for them it balances out the “off days” and moments. I hope the more we learn and grow we keep growing together. These kids already are growing up in today world have it tougher. Bigger homework loads, tougher topics earlier on, more stress and most certainly not as safe of a world. Then add on Veteran and/or military family to the pile. It just creates so much more than their little hearts and minds can take sometimes. I love their laughter, and the strength all of them show. They really give all and preserve even when it a really tough day. They talk feelings and are learning better ways to express the anger the feel. Each one of the helping each other. Sometimes it not as bad as it seems it would be and those are the moments I cherish and stay in the now when they are here. Don’t forget to enjoy life and not just let it pass you by. Stop and smell the flowers. We do. The Johnsons

Mother's Day and Recharging - Melissa Johnson

Today I find myself sitting in the quiet. Not even the sun is up yet. So I am sure as you are reading this you’re wondering, "then why are you?". In a little while I will watch the sun come up and feel its warmth on my face and I will sit and enjoy a hot cup of coffee. This is my time slot. It is the only moment of the day where I have time with no demands on me for myself. I have learned that taking this time helps balance my soul. I now feel sun on my face and hear the being of late spring with the echoes of baby birds.  I know that after sending two of my kids to school in a short while, and being home with the last one not yet old enough for school, it is the only time the of rest of the day I will experience this. I do not feel guilty taking these moments. I know my family needs me to be at my best most of the time. It is not selfish, it is actually grace. I have the knowledge and wisdom to recognize this. I am the single driving force that keeps everyone moving forward.  My job titles are many, however lately I feel chaos coordinator, fits for most of it. I learned too quickly how the mounting stress of being a wife, mother and caregiver to a house struggling with the entirety of PTSD can find of way of seeping in at soul level and effecting you in many ways. It has a way of sneaking up on you and sending that “balance” sailing without any warning.  Balance is the key element for me to keep me functioning, and positively moving forward to the next moment. For any of you reading this, it may be something else. If I wear myself out, I am no good for anyone else, and they count on me to be the best. I work hard and am very mindful of this. It matters to all that I love dearly, and it matters to me. I have had moments where I just float by, day to day. I strive to have moments that I really live, and still love life, even in the mix of PTSD filling my house. The days are long and the years are short. This one life I am living will in the end have legacy, love and laughter that fills all of it expecially the difficult moments. 

Recently I needed to get to the store. We are a family of 5 with one car. Financially it is were we are, even thought it is very tough with the hours of driving I end up doing to meet everyone needs. Someday that will change, with a husband who has many appointments with his work and school, a teenager with school, activities and sports, a kindergartner with school, a three year old with appointments, library trips and parks to play as well as me to make sure all our housing and food needs ect... are done can see to run smoothly how taxing as a mom wife and responsible adult that is. As I wrote this I found laughter which is the best medicine. God help us all if I lose my humor. Finding the humor is what keeps you from sinking. And for me taxi is what I feel like most days. This can be for a difficult for a "normal" family, in our very "not-normal" house sometimes it is over whelming.  Today I  had one hour to get my son off the bus, leave for the huge list of food that could not wait any longer, and be home so my husband could leave for work. Yes he has severe PTSD, but we also have a family and need health insurance, so until something changes with a VA appeal or Med boarding, he has to work. 

This is us, stuck in the process of hurry up and wait, and it looks like another year will pass before we have the answers we need, so another year of a one car household. That is at this moment the most difficult obstacle to overcome. Sometimes on his good days, I can leave the kids with him for about an hour. He said he was fine, he looked fine. Nothing about him showed any signs of a  possible attack of PTSD. I left to tackle the impossible. What he did not tell me was, that he wanted to leave 15 minutes earlier so as that time approached he started getting anxious. He started getting short with the kids. He texted but I left my phone in the car, I was making it home on time then my phone beeped on the drive back. I read the text at the red light. I immediately felt anxious myself, PTSD by proxy is a real thing. Some may think that this doesn't exist or is a real thing, however the moment of an attack can alter the rest of the day and night. I don’t always experience the side effect from having a husband with PTSD, but I did at that moment. Not ever in my life up until this year have a I had this feeling. Lucky for me I know what it is and talk myself through it.  I cannot let that take over so I don’t. I usually am resilient to feeling such things.  I knew it was not going to be a good situation. The kids were at the window as I parked. Tears were running down their face as I came into the house and said that dad was mean dad. He paced and cursed back and forth in the drive way. His memory isn't always that good and he thought he told me to be back sooner because he wanted to leave 15 minutes early, and then he dwells on it, I was not there when he wanted to leave and his mind stays on it almost like repeat cycle. I calmed the kids down, I had my 14 year old help me carry bags to the porch, and sent him on his way. Letting him go on his way quickly is what is best for us all. He will calm down by the time he reaches work 40 minutes away. In everyday moments life changes and things happen, but for him, instead of being flexible he with is now ridged because it's not in his plan and not in his routine. Nathan later apologized, but somethings unfortunately cannot be taking back. 

My kids experience PTSD through him and it effects each of them. It affects them all in different ways. My youngest gets more clingy and whiny. My middle child absorbs his moods. If he has a great day and is happy then he mimics that, if he has a horribly moody day my 5 year old son experiences that. When it's too rough, we leave and go find some other things to do. He has learned to quickly let go of the negative emotions, and to move along in a positive way, and that helps him know that he is gaining more control over and understanding emotions. My 14 year gets angry and hates the way it feels so instead of hanging around with us she goes off in her room, isolation helps her. She is much more involved when he is away because she can count on those moments not happening.

I found family counseling with someone we all feel comfortable with and understands war wounded veterans and PTSD. It can take 4 or more yerars to find the right fit, so don’t give up, and it's okay to say this is not working and change.  I changed the set up to our house to accommodate where we are at, at this moment and what people need now. I made a great new look for my daughter to hang in her room. Downstairs on the lowest level of our three story town house, I made great play areas that allows our littles to go and just be kids playing, muffling noise that would otherwise bother Nathan. My husband has an area that is filled with what he needs to keep calm or de-stress. And I have slowly been working on mine which is a work space for my job in the Heroes thanking Heroes program as well as a quiet area to read, think, or be by myself even for that one hour early in the am. I made different spaces for the kids to de-stress in. I found uncluttered spaces really shift the dynamic to our  home in a positive way. I am up early, and after that moment I will get everyone to bed and sleeping then burn the late night fuel keeping up. It is very tiring. And most certainly affects everyone. This situation was just one small glace at how an easy task can turn into well a very unwanted moment. It took 2 more hours that night to calm them down on a school night. Sometimes we end up if he does not have work leaving the house to find something to do while he de-stresses. I have gotten very creative in times like this, hikes, parks, friends, drives, and movies etc...  In bad weather it's much harder and often takes money that I should not be spending. While on a budget it does leave that much flexibility for as many outings. So far we have made it work. Being flexible is key. I am never afraid to take a timeout for myself. To do so I place my kids with people who understand and will take great care of them. So when I am away for a day, or a few days I can really calm down and focus. I cannot do that is I am receiving text from my teen or worrying about them being okay.  There is value in knowing this. I always feel recharged from my very stressful life and they then get my best self which is truly what they all need. Please if you are relating to this whether just a “normal” life or one that mimics mine do not feel guilty for the time taking. It is one of the best gifts that can be given. It will allow you to handle most of the ups and downs and give them quality time which is what everyone craves anyways. Happy Mother’s Day and for the caregivers I hope this heals your soul as you find balance and flexibility. 

Love and Laughter,

Chaos Coordinator Extraordinaire

Melissa Johnson