Truth is they are more. They are part time everything with full time jobs. When called to war their jobs, their uniform and the length they go are the same. They are boots down, and doing one of the hardest jobs of the military, so I am told. These Guardsmen’s and their families travel as far as 2 to 5 hours, sometime more, no housing connected people together. These units scattered across the state serving from. It works until it does not work. For us that was after his deployment to Afghanistan.
At first I thought we were good, we made all the yellow ribbon events. A few months since they all returned and no lives were taken over seas, we transitioned back to normal and it seemed to be effortless. We are going to make it, was my naive thought being our family's first deployment. I realized after death no longer lingered at our door, that It was a huge part of what worried me, I honestly did not know that until it was no longer weighing me down. I physically l felt the change in stress.
We decided to have our last addition to our family. We were all excited when a few month later we found out we would be welcoming a baby girl soon. The happiness started to fade a little with moments of anger from my husband. It usually shows up in huge moments of change, so I later on would be informed. In hindsight, these were the defining moments that I can pick out clearly when he showed huge signs of PTSD. In going through those moments, I did not have any of the information and at the time I did not know this was the start of PTSD rearing its ugly monstrous ways, It would be infecting EACH member of our family. Again, I was unaware that PTSD could do this. Our entire family didn't physically go to war. How could It possibly affect us as well? That information took another two years to be spoken to us. (stay tuned in to next week writing I will highlight that there)
PTSD stole his happiness for a long time. He has started having moments of happiness back, but it has taken a long time to make it just this far. We are now one year free from a suicide attempt, he has for a moment thought of it but has not acted on it. My husband has had 3 suicide attempts since discovering, and being diagnosed with PTSD. A soldier took his life three days after Nathan's first attempt. I often find it hard to open up about this, not because of the topic, but because it is a reminder of how close death is. We went to the soldier’s funeral. I was holding our 6-month-old at the time, and we saw his children devastated. After that he realized he had a real problem, and that it was not going away. It was so hard for him, the infantry soldier, to say I am not okay and I cannot do this alone. Finally he took the hardest step ..admitting there is something out of his control wrong with him. He did it, and I was very proud. Seeking help is almost never done, as it opens a vulnerabilities. I have been asked, "Do you think he has it?".
I am sure there are many days he wishes very hard this was not his lot in life, that he could go back to Nathan pre-war, but for him the best way to move forward is accepting this is our new normal and continually seeking help and coping methods. There is no “cookie cutter” way of fixing his PTSD. It kept getting worse not better. When Addison our Daughter was born, it took months for him to bond to her, unlike our son he was so attached to from the moment he found out he was going to be a dad. I remember on one night he asked me if I could shut her the hell up. Babies are unpredictable, and cry. As hurt as I was, I knew it was his PTSD, and he was not sleeping well at all. Nightmares and flashbacks were effecting him. I reminded him she is a baby. I explained the differences he had displayed for each of the children. He told me about the numbness he felt, and that he loved her but did not feel it like Nicholas. I told him bonds take longer sometimes to keep working at it. I do not make excuses for him. I am not afraid to tell the truth and a point out things he might not realize. For him it works and keeps him checked in.
He found a heartbeat app the he set his phone to if she woke upset. Addison was a snuggler, and still is. The closeness is something she needs. The heartbeat helped to place her sounds as the same as she grew which worked every time. Slowly he bonded to her. Instead of crying being a trigger point, he helped. He chose not to hold her when he was very anxious because she sensed it. Today those two are best buddies. To her, he is her hero that even occasionally goes well past his comfort zone to give her more. (Beauty and beast movie date photo.)The help Coalition paid my bills, more than I expected. I received a check for help with living expenses ( food cleaning supplies laundry needs ect.). I had breathing room for a moment, but Christmas still worried me. Until about a week to go. I walked to the mail box they sent a secret Santa check $500, for Christmas for my little kids and older one who still plays around believing in Santa to give them joy. I was so happy for this help for many reasons. One to take the financial burden off. It's hard enough knowing that war did not kill my husband but PTSD still can. The suicide rate is believed to be 22 or more a day. Our family feels the closeness of how real that number can be. It gave us validation that no matter how invisible PTSD is that they saw us and took other documentation and Sent Hope and love in the most needed time.
Since that help we received, I have been working in Heroes Thanking Heroes program. I am able to work from home and have a contributing income as well as still provide the level of care we all need. We have attended the road to recovery and experienced so much help and resources in one place to further us along in coping. We are still figuring it out. He is still feeling all the horrible ways PTSD affects him. We are still coping as a family with many ups and downs But even after 3 attempts, It is a great day because he is still here fighting the harder than war fight. And we know having a stronger wider support system to help our family thank to the Coalition to Salute America hero’s . My greatest hope is that if your reading this you gain a greater insight to a small scale of what life is like for anyone fighting PTSD and it gives encouragement to soldiers to not be invisible and continue to do the hardest thing a seek help. 22 a day is to high of a number. Thank you to all who keeps us from that dreaded 22.
Love the Johnsons
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