Family Stories

November is National Family Stories Month- the perfect time to share favorite memories or traditions. Often many families gather together over a Thanksgiving meal, making for the perfect opportunity to share these stories. While this year is different in that our nation is in a pandemic and gathering together physically may not be possible for extended families, we thought it important to share our FAMILY stories!

Here are a few favorite memories from our Representatives:

Cadena Family

"Work hard but… play harder is one of our favorite mottos around here. Our spontaneous trips tend to be our best.  One of my favorite trips of all time as a family was when we visited Myrtle Beach for the weekend.  It was in February, so it was still a bit chilly but so much fun.  Although the ocean was freezing, the kids enjoyed kicking their shoes off and feeling the sand between their toes.  They played until their little feet couldn’t stand the cold anymore.  We went and warmed up in the hot tubs and then actually took a swim in the outdoor pool that was heated.  It was one of the most relaxed and cherished memories." 

Liz S.

Our family is big on all of the scents that go with the holidays! From cinnamon wassail and Christmas trees to the spices of our favorite foods. Every year we make pomanders to dry and become fragrant, they also make fun decorations.

Another thing that we do, is “adopt” a family from our local “tree of sharing” and buy gifts for someone who’s facing difficult circumstances this year. My teenagers save their money to buy a gift and try to make the holidays fun for someone their age.

Our First Gingerbread House

Tiffany S.

Since we were married in 2012, we have enjoyed decorating a gingerbread home every December. In past years, when visiting family out of state, we decided we would share this fun tradition with them. We buy tiny gingerbread villages from the store, equip ourselves with extra frosting and decorations (a must in our household), and everyone decorates their own house. Our family LOVES a good, healthy competition, so we have those who were not present on decorating day cast votes for their favorite! We've had to make a few rules along the way after all the red frosting was used on one home before we officially began working on our masterpieces. The best part is the memories made!

From our Family to yours, wishing you a happy holiday season! 

~Heroes Thanking Heroes Team

De Facto Family

Family Photo Before Joining the Army

With the holidays around the corner, once again, I am thinking of family near and far. How are they doing? Are they healthy? There are any number of questions I should be asking my relatives directly. Instead, like many, I allow myself to get caught up in the chaos of daily life. The worst guilt I have is in regards to my brother. I am not very good about staying in touch. This is a bad habit that started nearly 30 years ago when he joined the Army right out of high school. I don't remember writing to him during basic and AIT. I can count on less than two hands the number of times I wrote or sent packages overseas on his many deployments. The brother I knew has been largely absent from my life for decades. My sister and I have given up on trying to celebrate a holiday together because he will always decline. Over the years, I have tried to find ways to connect. When I told him how much I loved living overseas, he laughed and told me that his experience living in the same country was very different. I didn't understand that for him, living in the barracks on a military installation was very different than a civilian living among the local population. No matter how hard I tried, there seemed to be this huge military wall between us. I was not a part of his world, his family, or his life.

The reality is that I can't relate to him because I'm not military. I can't possibly understand his life because I haven't lived it. I was writing a completely unrelated blog for work this week when I reached out to my brother. I asked him for his favorite quote that depicts how he felt about the military being his family. Once again, I was trying to relate, make an emotional connection, and to understand his world. My brother's response was:

"Consider this, our 'military family' have been present. Our old families have not been present. They (military family) have the same points of time reference, speak the same language. Our children have grown up playing together, surrogates for cousins they only see every other year. Military members become 'de facto' aunts and uncles and in a few cases are referred to as such. They have shared the exact same hardships for the exact same reasons often at the exact same time. When was the last time our family got together for a holiday?"

I honestly can't remember the last time our family was together for a holiday. I remember getting together for a family reunion in 2004. My oldest daughter is 29, and the last holiday that I have pictures to include my brother was the Christmas of 1994. I am ashamed to say that I did not support my brother like I should have done. After chastising myself, I realized that relationships are a two-way street. The hard truth remains that my brother pulled away from his biological family as much as they failed to give him the support needed to fight the fight. During the same conversation, my brother told me that "he no longer attends church because there is no one that he can relate to and that he doesn't belong." Have our churches truly convinced our combat veterans through 'Jesus is my boyfriend' songs that the warriors of the Bible are no longer relevant or celebrated? Have we as a society contributed to our soldiers believing the only family they can count on are their fellow comrades in arms?

Today I am married to a combat veteran who has taught me a lot about what it means to be a part of a military family. I have had more contact with my brother in the last five years than in the previous 25 combined. I am still an outsider. My brother told me yesterday that even though "you sister have raised the flap of the tent to peer inside, you are still not a part of the circus." He is right; I am not a military wife. I am a disabled combat veteran's wife, and that is an entirely different type of circus. I have become a de facto family member in the ever-growing population of our nation's military veterans. I went from working in church ministry full time to being an advocate for my brother, my spouse, other veterans, and their caregivers. I don't have the power to change the past, but I can change today. I still have several family members serving in the military; maybe you do as well. Let us all make the commitment to let our family and friends in and out of the military know that they are loved and supported this holiday season.

Written by a Veteran Caregiver

Wedding Bells and Shotgun Shells

Photo Credit: Kellie Rohlfing Photography

“ A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an IMPERFECT couple learns to enjoy their differences. “ – Dave Meurer

In the last year, my veteran Curtis and I have each had one biological child from our blended family get married. We have entered the season where our adult children are making life long decisions on the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. Curtis and I made poor decisions in the choosing of our previous spouses and would prefer our children avoid that. How many of us have found ourselves wishing we would have been wiser in the choosing of our life partner? I envy those military wives who have gone the long haul with their soldiers and are still in love. What would it be like to have weathered war after war growing stronger together as the bullets of life zinged all around?

Whenever Curtis and I meet an older couple, we ask them their key to a successful marriage. Nearly every time, the answer is ‘communication.’ Many of our combat veterans struggle with communication due to their emotional or physical injuries sustained during combat. Curtis has told me many times that trying to communicate with me “is frustrating and annoying as hell.” I know that I have said many times, “You aren’t listening,” to which he replies, “I’m trying to, but you aren’t making any sense.” It is a certainty that many couples can relate to these words. I mean, let’s face it, communication is difficult among normal couples living a relatively normal life. Communication with a disabled military spouse is further complicated by additional stressors seen and unseen to include TBI and PTSD. It isn’t easy, and not being able to say the right words can leave couples feeling angry, frustrated, hurt, and unloved. Finding ways to communicate that work is vital.

Curtis and I both have a TBI. His is from years of military service, and mine from being kicked in the head by a horse 14 years ago. It is easy for him to talk. In fact, it is way too easy for him to talk, if you know what I mean. He lacks a filter and can’t seem to stop talking when he should have probably stopped many MANY words ago. I, however, have a difficult time with verbal speech due to the area of my brain that was injured. I can text or type all day long, but ask me to talk, especially under the stress of a discussion, is nearly impossible. I have learned to listen and take notes. Although it drives Curtis crazy, I will text, type, or write out my feelings and thoughts. He wants me to talk, and I want him to STOP talking. I want him to listen, and he wants me to STOP overthinking a response. I have learned to raise my hand, asking him to stop because I can’t process his lack of filter. He has learned to hold my hand and wait patiently until I am able to find the words to express myself verbally.

My middle daughter got married yesterday, and I can’t express enough how happy I am. They are both so wonderful at healthy communication. Do they get irritated with each other? Yes, and my son-in-law calls my daughter a ‘sassy pants” when she starts getting snarky with him. That is their code word for ‘let’s take a break and come back later.’ I have no doubt they, like every couple, will have their share of conflicts, battles, and wars. The key is to remember that before diving for the shotgun shells, think back to the sweet sound of wedding bells. There is a reason why you chose your partner. Maybe all that is needed is a little time holding hands and talking from the heart.

By Justina Lyn- Veteran Caregiver & HTH Representative