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| Photo Credit: Kellie Rohlfing Photography |
In the last year, my veteran Curtis and I have each had one biological child from our blended family get married. We have entered the season where our adult children are making life long decisions on the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. Curtis and I made poor decisions in the choosing of our previous spouses and would prefer our children avoid that. How many of us have found ourselves wishing we would have been wiser in the choosing of our life partner? I envy those military wives who have gone the long haul with their soldiers and are still in love. What would it be like to have weathered war after war growing stronger together as the bullets of life zinged all around?
Whenever Curtis and I meet an older couple, we ask them their key to a successful marriage. Nearly every time, the answer is ‘communication.’ Many of our combat veterans struggle with communication due to their emotional or physical injuries sustained during combat. Curtis has told me many times that trying to communicate with me “is frustrating and annoying as hell.” I know that I have said many times, “You aren’t listening,” to which he replies, “I’m trying to, but you aren’t making any sense.” It is a certainty that many couples can relate to these words. I mean, let’s face it, communication is difficult among normal couples living a relatively normal life. Communication with a disabled military spouse is further complicated by additional stressors seen and unseen to include TBI and PTSD. It isn’t easy, and not being able to say the right words can leave couples feeling angry, frustrated, hurt, and unloved. Finding ways to communicate that work is vital.
Curtis and I both have a TBI. His is from years of military service, and mine from being kicked in the head by a horse 14 years ago. It is easy for him to talk. In fact, it is way too easy for him to talk, if you know what I mean. He lacks a filter and can’t seem to stop talking when he should have probably stopped many MANY words ago. I, however, have a difficult time with verbal speech due to the area of my brain that was injured. I can text or type all day long, but ask me to talk, especially under the stress of a discussion, is nearly impossible. I have learned to listen and take notes. Although it drives Curtis crazy, I will text, type, or write out my feelings and thoughts. He wants me to talk, and I want him to STOP talking. I want him to listen, and he wants me to STOP overthinking a response. I have learned to raise my hand, asking him to stop because I can’t process his lack of filter. He has learned to hold my hand and wait patiently until I am able to find the words to express myself verbally.
My middle daughter got married yesterday, and I can’t express enough how happy I am. They are both so wonderful at healthy communication. Do they get irritated with each other? Yes, and my son-in-law calls my daughter a ‘sassy pants” when she starts getting snarky with him. That is their code word for ‘let’s take a break and come back later.’ I have no doubt they, like every couple, will have their share of conflicts, battles, and wars. The key is to remember that before diving for the shotgun shells, think back to the sweet sound of wedding bells. There is a reason why you chose your partner. Maybe all that is needed is a little time holding hands and talking from the heart.
By Justina Lyn- Veteran Caregiver & HTH Representative
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