Dealing With Monsters

Dealing With Monsters

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder can be so unique to each of those who carries its weight in their lives. While academic research on the disorder certainly has its aides to understanding the struggle, to a large extent there is just trial and error wrapped in patience as you learn with time what it has done, is doing to an individual. Even if you are the closest one can be to another there is constant discovery.

After two wars with the United States Marine Corps I remember watching my husband’s story unravel into our lives a little piece at a time. A clue here, another clue there with weeks of silence in between. With over a decade of observations I could tell you a semblance of his story though I know there are many parts still locked away in his soul. It’s not that he doesn’t want to share it with me, he actually does, he has tried but despite all his strength (of which he has so much more than me) he just can’t push the words across his tongue. The attempts seize every muscle in his body and remind him of how trapped he feels. So, we let it go, keep pushing forward and focus on enjoying the small victories that come a little at a time here and there with so much time in between.

I remember in the first year after he came home from his second war, one of the clues that struck me the most, that let me know he needed help. My husband took me to the hospital for a minor injury that was easily attended. He sat in the chair in the hospital room while I was in the patient bed and we were waiting for the doctor to bring me some medicine and release me. From across the hall a small child was screaming loudly due to an emergency injury that needed immediate attention. I don’t know what happened to the young child, only that the child was young enough to not understand that the doctors and nurses that were rushing to her side and touching and pulling and attending to her injuries were indeed friends who were helping. Fear filled the child’s screams as she fought off those trying to help her. It took several hospital staff to assist in order to help the child in the necessary aide without harming her further.

My discharge was on hold while the doctors and nurses were helping her. I remember feeling bad for the young child that she was scared, no doubt in immense pain, and did not understand that those around here were helping her. Though I did not feel very concerned as she was obviously in the best possible place getting the care she needed. Then I glanced over to my husband who was waiting with me and being silent during the screams of the young child. She was still screaming, still fighting with the sense of urgency hanging heavy in the air of the hospital as staff attended to her. My husband’s whole body was locked in place, ever so slightly trembling with sweat rolling down his forehead. His eyes were intense and fixed on a point on the floor, I could tell he was no longer with me at the hospital.

Not sure what to do to help him, while the screams of the child continued in the background, I helplessly asked, “Are you okay?” Without looking at me nor moving a muscle, he barely pushed enough air through his pursed lips to quietly say, “Make her stop screaming.” My helplessness deepening, I tried explaining to him that the child was okay, that the doctors were helping her, but I could tell my words meant nothing and were mere washing over him as he was caught in the grip of his struggle with his monsters. He finally responded to me when I asked, “Would you like to leave? Wait for me in the car?”. Such an idea penetrated through and reached him, though just barely. He responded in the same still whisper as before, “No. I’m not leaving you.” I realized the only thing to do was wait with him as this moment passed. The doctors were finally able to pacify both the child’s fear and pain and got her settled into a calm sleep. At which point the doctor was able to come and finalize my release.

We first called these moments his struggle with his monsters when trying to explain to our very young children what was happening with daddy. I once heard a saying that went something like; we don’t tell children fairytales so that they know monsters exist, children instinctively know monsters exist, we tell them fairytales so that they know monsters can be beaten.

I remember our young son asking if it was okay for daddy to come with us on Halloween since there were going to be lots of monsters around. While he was no doubt confusing our metaphor in a way impossible for a young child to avoid, he was right that Halloween is difficult for our family. We go to great lengths to avoid crowds and interacting with strangers to keep a more tolerable environment for my husband to work on healing. As a father though, he does not want to take childhood moments such as trick or treating and community celebrations from his children, even if it means facing his own monsters in the process.

The biggest help in the realm of Halloween activities has been my husband’s service dog. Not only does his service dog help my husband with his anxieties during Halloween night, he also very literally helps to keep an eye on the kids, which my husband loves. Once we went to a Halloween party at a public library that we frequented. A librarian that knows my kids well and that had dressed up in a very convincing wicked witch costume was sneaking up behind them to give them a fun scare. My husband’s service dog put a quick stop to that! He noticed the dark figure coming up behind the kids (when we did not) and his bark of alarm echoed through the library, stopped her in her tracks as my husband’s service dog’s attention was directly on her, pointing to my husband his cause of concern. My husband’s service dog did not let anyone of questionable appearance near his pups. (I am most certain he thinks of the kids as his pups.)

It truly helps my husband during Halloween to have someone with him that is just as focused on security as he is. We also do a lot of preplanning around Halloween. The kids know they will definitely get to enjoy Halloween but only if it is preplanned giving my husband the time he needs to feel comfortable. We also do what we can to make the activities more pleasant than work, like using calving gloves to gut the pumpkins when we carve the jack o lanterns. Just as dealing with my husband’s monsters comes in little bits here and there, it is also the little things we do for each other as a family that helps him in dealing with those same monsters.

-        USMC Veteran’s Spouse & Caregiver

The Coalition Supports Hockey Therapy

I'm sitting here thinking and wondering...Should I or Shouldn't I? What's the worse that could happen? The worse thing possible is the answer could be "No". I'm not one to go over every situation in my head, usually I just jump right to the worst case scenario, and in this case, the worst case scenario was a "No", so I did it.

I sat here, behind my computer and composed an email.

Dear Mr. Walker,

My name is...No delete that.

How are you?...No delete that.

Do you like Hockey?...No delete that.

Finally I get the perfect intro, "Hello Sir. I want to reintroduce myself to you. I am Jennifer Urbany, I have worked in the Heroes Thanking Heroes program for over 7 years but more importantly I am a caregiver to my husband Donald Urbany. I wanted to reach out to you to share something that we have been involved in the last few years. I don’t know about you but Hockey is something that my family is very passionate about. I even wrote a blog about our current journey on the HTH blog.".

I explained everything about our hockey team, that I would love to have The Coalition to Salute America's heroes an organization that I have been with and have been so passionate about for 7 years, be a part of something that has now become a new passion. My husband and his hockey team full of wounded veterans. 

Not even 5 minutes later I get an email back. I'm staring at the unopened email in bold sitting in my saluteheroes.org inbox. I'm thinking, "Oh my word, he wrote back...and he wrote back FAST!", "Ok Jenn, open this email. Remember the worse thing that could be in this email is 'No, thank you'.". 

I opened the email and the first sentence reads, "I like!". I continue to read Mr. Walker's email and find out that he is just as passionate about hockey as I am, AND we are both fans of the same team. The Washington Capitals (Let's Go Caps!)!  The last paragraph of his email read's "I would be happy to chat...I'd be happy and honored to review any proposals/ideas.".

We quickly set a date to meet, so on October 18th the VP and Co Captain (A Caps fan as well, he wears 8 on his NCW jersey) of the NC Warriors hockey team, and I took a road trip to Leesburg, VA. Drew (Co Captian) and I had gone back and forth days before we left about what time we had to leave. I told him I drove up to DC once every couple of months, and the best time to leave NC was no later than 6 AM. Usually it's a 4 hour drive, It would put us in the area a few hours early, but that was ok because if you are on time you are late, and there's nothing wrong with sitting somewhere for a bit and drinking a pumpkin spice latte.

It just so happened that traffic...was...HORRIBLE! The usual 4 hour trip took us SIX HOURS! The GPS said we would be in Leesburg at 12:30PM...THE MEETING IS AT ONE! We can't be late!! So, I'm panicking, and Drew Mr. Level Headed says, "If there's nothing we can do about the situation lets not worry, you can email Mr. Walker, he lives here, I'm sure he knows about the traffic". He was right, but I got to say "I told you so" about the traffic all the way to Leesburg, and we left a 6:30 AM.

We got to Leesburg in just enough time to be early, because remember if you are on time you are late. We rode the elevator to the third floor and knocked on the door. Here comes Mr. Walker with a warm welcoming smile, a handshake, and he says "I'm happy to see you!".

Walking into his office, I'm a bit nervous, I didn't know what to expect. I have never done anything like this before. We sat down and Mr. Walker looks at me and says "First thing's first, this is for you.", as he hands me an official NHL Stanley Cup Finals picture of Braden Holtby's amazing save that ultimately changed the course of the Finals and led to the Capitals first ever Stanley Cup win. My jaw was on the floor for a good 5 minutes and all I could manage to say was "Thank you!", I think I said it a few hundred times.

Mr. Walker offers us some water, and we get on with the meeting. Drew is explaining the mission, and technical boring stuff, and I'm explaining the change I have seen in Donald and ALL of the other guys on the team from the first practice to today. How at first I could see how they didn't really know how to act or what to say to each other, to being a family with a huge support system. I even referred to Drew as my "Brother from another mother.", it's true though.


The meeting ended with a big, "The answer is yes.", my heart skipped a beat.

We all smiled,  Mr. Walker and the Coalition to Salute America's Heroes offered $2,500 to help with ice time and to help with equipment for the guys who could not afford it, and $5,000 to sponsor the team's trip to Pittsburgh in March so the team can bring their families, have enough hotel rooms and provide a few meals for everyone.

Mr. Walker happily wrote a check for $7,500 made out to the NC Warriors, and I gave Mr. Walker like a million hugs. Mr. Walker gave us some really nice Coalition jackets, and we all had smiles on our face as we walked out.

All it took was an email, a simple question, and a mutual passion for veterans and hockey.

Thank you Mr. David Walker, and the Coalition to Salute America's Heroes for helping the NC Warriors hockey team continue their passion of hockey and mission to help rehabilitate Veterans with a stick, a puck, ice skates, and a good time.

The Day I Almost Became a Widow (aka his ‘Alive Day’)

Saturday October 9th, 2010
My eyes shot open at the first realization of the hazy sound of my cell phone ringing beside me.

Oh crap, I missed it. That had to be J.D. calling, I thought.

The early morning phone calls had become normal as he was stationed across the world in Afghanistan and never wanted to miss a chance at a phone call to hear our voices.

I look over to my right expecting to see our beautiful 11 month old baby girl peacefully sleeping in her crib, only it was much different.

She look terrified. The phone ringing had woken her up. Already standing up and holding on to the edge of her crib, the look on her face was one that will be etched in my memory forever. It was almost as if she sensed something was terribly wrong. Maybe she woke up hungry, who knows... but either way her face woke me up fast and this time when the phone rung, I answered with “Hello” before even glancing at the number.

“Mrs. Williams?” the voice on the other line was not my husband’s.

Instead, it was the military calling to tell me that my husband had been involved in an accident and he had lost limbs but they weren’t sure the extent of his injuries.

Everything from that moment through the next couple of hours was a blur. I can’t remember much of what the caller said, only that I would be updated as information became available, and then he kindly ensured I had family or friends to be with me for support through what would come. My whole family was there within the hour.

The Army didn’t prepare me for any of what would come. I mean how could you possibly prepare someone for such a thing? I’ll admit, I was never the over-achiever army wife- I went to the pre-deployment classes, read through all the information they give you, had my FRG’s contact info for emergencies but we lived off post so I quite well could have been more informed. There were things covered regarding what would happen when the soldier returns home and reintegration, there was information about how to be prepared if God forbid your soldier paid the ultimate sacrifice, but I don’t remember learning anything about the in-between. What if he comes home broken? With half of his body parts?

I had been working at a local convenience store for almost 10 years, since I was 16 years old. I had worked my way up to the assistant manager position and was scheduled for an 8-5 shift that day. I never made it back to that job which I loved so much. I had every intention of returning, my naive mind thinking life would go back to normal in a jiffy. I told my boss to cover my spot, I would be back hopefully in a couple of months but I had to go be with my husband as soon as he was stable enough to make it stateside.

The fact that I was never offered travel to Germany while he laid there for 3 days in a coma never dawned on me that it was because he might not make it long enough for me to get there. I was told to pack my bags for Walter Reed in D.C. which quickly changed to BAMC in San Antonio, TX. I packed for cold weather, then re-packed for warmer weather. What does one put in a suitcase for herself and an 11 month old child traveling alone across the U.S. to unknown territory for an undetermined amount of time? I did the best I could but little did I know that those 2 suitcases would turn into 2 years of my life.

I can’t fathom life without my husband. I have unwavering respect for the Gold Star Families out there who aren’t as fortunate as I am to have their loved one here living.

I almost became a widow on 10/9/10 but I didn’t. Instead we’ve come to terms with life and celebrate the day as one less victory for the Taliban that detonated that IED. We live on for those who can’t.

What Pushed Me Through:
I didn’t grieve the loss of what I thought my life would become, I didn’t have time for that. I had to be strong and I had to do what needed to be done to make sure that my husband was getting the best possible care available to basically keep him alive. Grieving came much later in my life when things slowed down and we were finally able to return back home to Kentucky. Grief hit me like a ton of bricks. My grief turned into a disastrous case of caregiver burnout. I’d spent so long making sure everyone else was taken care of, I had stopped taking care of my own mental needs. I had given up my work, something I was passionate about. I felt like I was failing at everything I was expected to do.

If I hadn’t found work from home employment, I’m not sure what my life would look like right now. For me, I needed something, just one thing, that I could do for ME. The Heroes Thanking Heroes program saved me from my own self-destruction and feelings of unworthiness. The new friendships, social connections, and opportunities put me on the path to post-traumatic growth. I grieved. I got past it and I know how to process the difficult times now. While I know every day brings a new chance for a setback, I prefer to look at it as a new opportunity to learn & share my knowledge with others.

- Ashlee Williams, Veteran Caregiver & Heroes Thanking Heroes Representative