The Day I Almost Became a Widow (aka his ‘Alive Day’)

Saturday October 9th, 2010
My eyes shot open at the first realization of the hazy sound of my cell phone ringing beside me.

Oh crap, I missed it. That had to be J.D. calling, I thought.

The early morning phone calls had become normal as he was stationed across the world in Afghanistan and never wanted to miss a chance at a phone call to hear our voices.

I look over to my right expecting to see our beautiful 11 month old baby girl peacefully sleeping in her crib, only it was much different.

She look terrified. The phone ringing had woken her up. Already standing up and holding on to the edge of her crib, the look on her face was one that will be etched in my memory forever. It was almost as if she sensed something was terribly wrong. Maybe she woke up hungry, who knows... but either way her face woke me up fast and this time when the phone rung, I answered with “Hello” before even glancing at the number.

“Mrs. Williams?” the voice on the other line was not my husband’s.

Instead, it was the military calling to tell me that my husband had been involved in an accident and he had lost limbs but they weren’t sure the extent of his injuries.

Everything from that moment through the next couple of hours was a blur. I can’t remember much of what the caller said, only that I would be updated as information became available, and then he kindly ensured I had family or friends to be with me for support through what would come. My whole family was there within the hour.

The Army didn’t prepare me for any of what would come. I mean how could you possibly prepare someone for such a thing? I’ll admit, I was never the over-achiever army wife- I went to the pre-deployment classes, read through all the information they give you, had my FRG’s contact info for emergencies but we lived off post so I quite well could have been more informed. There were things covered regarding what would happen when the soldier returns home and reintegration, there was information about how to be prepared if God forbid your soldier paid the ultimate sacrifice, but I don’t remember learning anything about the in-between. What if he comes home broken? With half of his body parts?

I had been working at a local convenience store for almost 10 years, since I was 16 years old. I had worked my way up to the assistant manager position and was scheduled for an 8-5 shift that day. I never made it back to that job which I loved so much. I had every intention of returning, my naive mind thinking life would go back to normal in a jiffy. I told my boss to cover my spot, I would be back hopefully in a couple of months but I had to go be with my husband as soon as he was stable enough to make it stateside.

The fact that I was never offered travel to Germany while he laid there for 3 days in a coma never dawned on me that it was because he might not make it long enough for me to get there. I was told to pack my bags for Walter Reed in D.C. which quickly changed to BAMC in San Antonio, TX. I packed for cold weather, then re-packed for warmer weather. What does one put in a suitcase for herself and an 11 month old child traveling alone across the U.S. to unknown territory for an undetermined amount of time? I did the best I could but little did I know that those 2 suitcases would turn into 2 years of my life.

I can’t fathom life without my husband. I have unwavering respect for the Gold Star Families out there who aren’t as fortunate as I am to have their loved one here living.

I almost became a widow on 10/9/10 but I didn’t. Instead we’ve come to terms with life and celebrate the day as one less victory for the Taliban that detonated that IED. We live on for those who can’t.

What Pushed Me Through:
I didn’t grieve the loss of what I thought my life would become, I didn’t have time for that. I had to be strong and I had to do what needed to be done to make sure that my husband was getting the best possible care available to basically keep him alive. Grieving came much later in my life when things slowed down and we were finally able to return back home to Kentucky. Grief hit me like a ton of bricks. My grief turned into a disastrous case of caregiver burnout. I’d spent so long making sure everyone else was taken care of, I had stopped taking care of my own mental needs. I had given up my work, something I was passionate about. I felt like I was failing at everything I was expected to do.

If I hadn’t found work from home employment, I’m not sure what my life would look like right now. For me, I needed something, just one thing, that I could do for ME. The Heroes Thanking Heroes program saved me from my own self-destruction and feelings of unworthiness. The new friendships, social connections, and opportunities put me on the path to post-traumatic growth. I grieved. I got past it and I know how to process the difficult times now. While I know every day brings a new chance for a setback, I prefer to look at it as a new opportunity to learn & share my knowledge with others.

- Ashlee Williams, Veteran Caregiver & Heroes Thanking Heroes Representative