I Don't Know How You Do It, I know I Couldn't

People either give themselves too little credit, or me too much credit when they see me out with my monkeys and my circus. You don't know what you can do, until you are faced with it. Some people are faced with a lot, and some people not so much. We all have struggles. There are things that you do or have in your life that I wouldn't think I could handle. But truth be told, if I was in your shoes, I probably could handle it. Why? Because I would have to.

You don't know how strong you are until strong is all you have, or at least that's what I think. I work out, a lot. The gym is my sanctuary. It's where I go to clear my head and stay as physically strong, as well as mentally strong. I need that time, that time I can think about my next move, or handle the next catastrophe, there always is one. I saw an acronym once, F.E.A.R., Face Everything And Run. It turned a word that is supposed to describe a weak emotion into a strong one. I can't live in fear, thinking about how I can't do it. I need to live in F.E.A.R, and run into it face first, with strength and determination. I KNOW I will do it, I KNOW I can do it. I have to do it, or my family and I wouldn't have survived this long, 8 years with kids, and 12 years together. I think about F.E.A.R. as I run on the treadmill. I'm running into it, I'm finding the strength from deep down to keep moving forward, so I can do it. It's really not so hard once you are conditioned and used to it, but it doesn't mean it doesn't suck though, talking about running and dealing with difficult situations.

Bottom line though is, you can do it, give yourself more credit. Sometimes I feel like I can't do it, but I have to do it. So do you, you have to do it, whatever your "it" may be. "It" has to be done. That's life.

So I leave you with this, a gym selfie. I feel like the smile in this picture shows my inner strength and pride in my self because of how far I have come, and I see a strong determined woman facing her F.E.A.R. in the mirror and ready to run some more.

You Really Seem to Have it Together

You really seem to have it together...? What does that even mean? I work hard, I try hard, I do as best I can with the situation I am in. Like right now, at this moment, I just realized that my puppy stole a roll of toilet paper and shredded it, when my 19 month old realized that the puppy was having a toilet paper party he decided he should help her. So now, there is toilet paper all over the place, and I have to clean it up. Of course I'm frustrated, but anyone would be! I guess the difference is how I handle it.

I just got up to assess the toilet paper casualty, it was two rolls, not just one. That stuff is expensive!  But screaming and yelling, basically acting like a wild animal won't get me anywhere. I just calmly cleaned up the toilet paper, put the puppy in her crate and the baby went to time out. But most importantly I didn't flip out which would have not only stressed me out, it would have stressed them out as well, making their behavior worse. 

When I take the boys out to the store, just me, you can sense a little bit of my frustration, yes. I won't lie, it's hard. I do what I can to keep it together. So on the outside you see cool, calm, collected control, but on the inside I'm thinking about tying them to a chair or upside down by their toes, you know normal mom stuff. 

When it comes to my veteran I have to keep up a facade, I can't let him see me screaming and yelling at him inside my head when he's screaming and yelling at me for something that most people without head trauma or injuries wouldn't think twice about. Or when he's freaking out on the boys, yelling at them like they've just ruined his new $100,000 sports car, when all they did was leave their bike in the yard.  It's hard to do, its hard to speak calmly and try to keep the situation from escalating because both of you are in a shouting match. But I do it, for the sake of my little family, I do it for my own sanity, and I do it for him. I have to stay strong to keep him strong. If not we'd both be in the nut house. 

So, I really may seem to have it together, but inside...I'm a jumbled mess. Probably like most caregivers to wounded vets, we look like it's a cakewalk...but smashing that cake in someones face sounds so much more satisfying.

Bless Your Heart

"Bless your heart", that's another commonly used phrase commonly used when they see me out with my family. If you're from the south you know that, that phrase usually means "Better you than me". But you know what? It is better that it's me than you. There's a lot going on in my life, a lot of stress, a lot of pressure, a lot of anger, a lot of rage, a lot of mess, and lot of crazy and most people wouldn't be as stable as i am through these situations.

Despite working two jobs, well three if you include the kids, I keep it together pretty well. I'm the glue that keeps everything together, and I'm the grease that keeps all the parts of this family moving. I set out clothes and make sure keys are where they are supposed to be, I make sure lunches are in the fridge, I make sure shoes are in their appropriate places, and I make sure everyone gets to where they need to be when they need to be there. 

All that I do is very complicated, and some days it takes a toll on me, but I see my self as a strong woman and I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. So yes, bless my heart, my heart is truly blessed. 

You Have Your Hands Full

"You have your hands full", I cringe when I hear people say that to me. I usually retort with, "My heart is full too.". But, maybe I do have my hands full. I'm a stay at home mom to four crazy, adorable, rambunctious AMAZING, little boys (Although I spend a lot of time trying to figure out a way to stay sane, especially in the summers.). I also work for the Coalition to Salute America's Heroes in the Veteran Circle program, then I work a night time job at Wal-Mart. I'm also, a chef, a chauffeur, a referee, a nurse, a wife, and a caregiver. I'm sure there's more, but I'm sure my point was made. I also have some health complications myself, but I do my best to stay healthy, and that really doesn't take a huge factor in my day to day life, which is a blessing.

Being a mom is hard, but sometimes the hardest part is being a caregiver. The kids are relatively predictable. They are kids, they are going to test the limits, be loud, and play. However, a Veteran that has a TBI and a variety of other problems, can be a tad unpredictable. It doesn't take much for anger, irritation, or agitation to take over and make things become less predicable or overwhelming.

I actually just got my job at Wal-Mart not to long ago, I really enjoy it. My thoughts about it were, get out of the house and get to talk to people. I didn't really think a part time job would be so bad, I start around bed time, then I get home at 11:15-30. The first week I was gone from the house, there was a lot of tension, the kids never seem to act the same for him as they do for me, and when that happens so does the anger and frustration. I almost thought I was going to have to quit! It felt my hands were even more full, feeling like upsetting everyone was just making the load so much heavier.

Finally we all got a system in play, and even though kids will be kids and boys will be boys, I get to keep my hands full, my heart full, and my job.

Alive Day - Whitney Hanrahan

This week my husband had his 6^th Alive Day. This is usually the hardest week of the year for our family. Emotions run high and everything makes us anxious as we are reminded of that dreadful day. The day our lives changed in an instant with one roadside bomb.

I can still remember every detail of the phone call I received that day. I will forever hear that man’s voice telling me that my husband had been severely injured. I remember hyperventilating and sobbing at the same time. I just kept thinking how bad I wanted to get to him because I couldn’t do anything from where I was at. I felt helpless.

After a week of waiting on my husband to be transported back into the states, we were finally reunited with each other. It wasn’t the homecoming we were expecting but he was home and he was safe. My husband looked amazing especially for someone that had just been injured in Afghanistan. He had all of his limbs and looked healthy. Little did we know at the time that he would get his left leg amputated, have over fifty surgeries on his right leg in order to save it, and a traumatic brain injury that would severely affect our daily life forever.

My husband has come so far since our time at Walter Reed Medical Center. He still has struggles and challenges but the way he chooses to push forward is humbling. I am immensely proud of how hard he fights in his recovery and his lack of self-pity.

I thank God every day that my husband’s life was spared. This whole experience has taught us that life is a gift and you never know what could happen. Have patience, be present, and tell your loved ones you love them every chance you get.