Welcomed surprises - Lacy Mullen

In my story earlier this month I mentioned I was attempting to put together a fund raising event for The Coalition to Salute America's Heroes. I also shared some of how PTSD by proxy has affected me. 

Here is an update:

I am happy to say this event is now completed and was a delightful success! I was able to learn many things through this little journey. Not only was I able to share with other veterans and their families about possible ways to get help through The Coalition, and let others know ways to support our veterans but, I was able to see my own family thrive! 

When I began putting said fundraiser together I had both anxiety, and excitement. I truly enjoy being a part of The Coalition, and it is always wonderful sharing about things I enjoy. However, I know that putting together such an event takes time and can cause a bit of a chaotic schedule. I had concerns that this would cause triggers for my husbands PTSD. Here and there throughout the month leading up to our Pancake Breakfast fundraiser we had minor episodes (yes, I definitely had some too) but, thankfully, none any where near what I expected. 

I knew on the day of the event I would need to lean on my family and close friends for help because no one person can do anything great alone. I barely got any rest the final two days before the breakfast because I was running through how to handle attempting to run an event and be prepared to counsel my Love through an episode, as well as maintain a watchful eye on our four children. Gratefully, if I needed to step away with my husband I had amazing support from family and friends prepared to fill my gaps. 

I am so glad to say that these anxieties were all worthless. I had spent many hours planning this event and just as many preparing my husband, kids, other family, and friends for what their participating parts would be. The day before our event my husband shared some concerns that he feels like wouldn't be much help. In fact, he felt like more of a burden to me because he knows this is a probable trigger. This saddened me, I never want him to feel like a burden. I so wish I could lend him my eyes to see just how extremely wonderful he is. There have been many times that he is the only reason I had the strength to carry on with something. I tried to hide my own panic and insecurities, instead choosing to share with him my truly deepest feelings that I had every faith that he would be amazing.

It is with much joy that I share with you that my family and friends' support carried me through every minute of the day. There are no words for the pride I have that my kids were on their best behavior, and my husband did the fantastic job I had every faith he could. I already felt it a privilege to be able to share The Coalition with my community with the support of my Salute Heroes family. Much to my welcomed surprise, I learned that I was also granted the honor of actually seeing just how resilient and extravagant my own little family really is from a whole new light!

Her Son With Secondary PTSD

He was a sweet little boy, all he wanted was to be his daddy's little boy. It almost seemed it was that way from birth, they say the first child is usually like that. How is that fair to mom, she carried him for 9 months, and then went through the agony of childbirth? This little boy was a blessing, a "Rainbow baby", a baby that came after a miscarriage. As he got older, the more he just wanted to be his dad's little buddy.

It happens all too often that veterans can get tangled up in war games, it kind of reminds them of what they had to leave in a way. Mom didn't understand it, but if it was therapeutic, then maybe it was ok in small doses. Mom always thought it would change when they had a baby, maybe Dad would be more interested in his little growing family. But, that wasn't the case. Day after day Mom and baby listened to the yelling, the cussing, and the general ugliness that these video games manifested in Dad.  It caused a lot of arguments and fighting in the home, there was a lot of tension and sadness, which isn't a good environment for a baby.

As the boy got older, you could tell how smart he was becoming, wise beyond his years. He had a sense of empathy, and he understood feelings that even some adults didn't get. He knew when you needed a hug or some cuddles. He crawled early, walked early, and was talking extremely early. He was developing in leaps and bounds. Mom was so proud, Dad was probably too, but didn't seem to show it much. Maybe he showed what he could, in the only way that he could, and that only he understood.

The boy turned three and Mom was noticing her son was changing. He wasn't always as happy and bubbly as he used to be. Still wanting to be Dad's buddy, and not getting the attention he wanted or needed was taking its toll on the little guy. Why were these war games so important? Why can't he play with me?  He was so smart that he was able to pick up on the distance at such a young age. Mom called therapists all over the area where they lived, no one would even consider talking to him. "He's too young", "I don't talk to kids that young", "I don't talk to anyone under the age of 7", were just some of the responses she was given. She pleaded with the various professionals, "Please, you don't understand, talking to this little three year old is like talking to at least a 5-year-old.", "He desperately needs your help.", "I'm BEGGING you, PLEASE!". But still, no one would help.

Fast forward two years, the boy starts Kindergarten. Things started slowly getting worse, the teachers would have conferences with Mom, "Your son did this, this, and this today. We're a little concerned.". In the beginning, a firm talking to would do the trick. He was basically mimicking Dad's behavior and anger. He was always so so angry, he never wanted to go to school, school upset him, he wanted to be shut up alone to just do his own thing, just like dad. Just like a lot of veterans with PTSD and TBI. First grade came, and things got worse. The boy started throwing things in school, banging his head on the cinder block walls, and struggling with his anger and emotions. It was almost anger was the only way he could express anything, that's all he ever saw at home from the person he wanted to be his role model. He was lucky to have a teacher who attached herself to him, she loved him, worked with him, and found ways to get to him in a positive way. They connected through humor, the boy loved telling jokes, and they had their little joke of the day. His classmates loved him too, you think if you had someone in your class that was always so mad and angry you wouldn't want to be that person's friend, but somehow his love and empathy always shined through and the whole class loved him.

Now he's in 2nd grade, and things have just kept getting worse. Dad had made a lot of changes, he stopped playing video games, especially when the boy was around, even during the weekdays. Dad takes the boy to do special things just with each other. But the boy was still struggling emotionally. He was still angry, and sad, and full of so many emotions he just didn't understand and had no idea how to express himself. It was to the point where the boy was being constantly suspended from school, and there wasn't a day that went by that mom wasn't getting a phone call from the school. The school counselor got involved, the principal, the vice-principal, we were all trying to find ways to help the boy control himself. Things were changing at home, but not for the boy. He was stuck in this angry state. He would get so mad, he would hurt himself, throw things, yell and scream, say mean things, and would just show his anger and unhappiness.

Mom again, tried to find someone for the boy to talk to. It was the same old excuses as she had heard before when she tried to get help for her son. FINALLY Mom was able to convince a wonderful lady to talk to him, to give him one session, and if she feels he's too young or doesn't want to see him, we would keep looking. The boy went to his first appointment, and he just blew the therapist away. She asked mom if he was really only 7. She felt like she had been talking to a 13-year-old. Mom assured her that the boy was indeed only 7 and just wise beyond his years. Therapy helped some, but the problem ran deeper so mom had to make some other, more difficult decisions, but they were decisions to help better her son and her family.

PTSD By Proxy (Also known as Secondary PTSD), is a real thing. It affects families with loved ones who have PTSD, children, spouses, caregivers, and people who are family and just not in the immediate family. It's so easy for someone on the outside to judge and say, "Well why don't you just do this?", "Why do you stay?", "How about you try this?". But, you don't know how it is until you live it. This little boy is obviously suffering from a form of Secondary PTSD, and his mom is trying everything she can to help him get better. It's also assuring to know that the dad is slowly taking the steps he can take to get better for his family as well.

My Experience With PTSD By Proxy - Lacy Mullen

       Everyday I learn more about my husbands PTSD, my children do too. This may be something new that triggers it,  or a new way to work with it. These things have come pretty natural to us over the years. What I failed to realize is that his PTSD has truly affected me! It doesn't bother me that I have to lay out step by step plans for everything we are going to do, it doesn't bother me that I have to repeat things a million times to make sure that he doesn't forget, or that he doesn't panic because he didn't remember. The affects on me that I didn't even realize, just kind of showed up one day. 

    In January I became part of the fundraising committee with in The Coalition to Salute America's Heroes. Promptly following this, I set up a fundraising event in my community. I had faith that I could fumble my way through this doing my best to make this great, as I have zero experience outside of selling Girl Scout cookies, with fundraising. I had concerns of setting my hopes too high, and not reaching personal goals. I have a habit of setting my goals a little higher than reasonable, I have been working on fixing this for years. I have always been a social butterfly, so none of my concerns included talking to people to share about the event and ask for help making it great. Well guess what...? the secondary affects that my husbands PTSD have on me, include panic attacks prior to speaking to new people. I had no idea what was going on with me this has never happened to me, I have heard about it, know people who experience it but, never me! I couldn't breathe my chest was so tight, tears were forming in my eyes. I was hot and cold at the same time! I was so grateful I had a long time friend with me to snatch me back. She was super shocked as she has known me since fourth grade and knows that I talk to whoever ,whenever, and have a blast making new acquaintances while doing so. However, because of my years of learning tools to help my husband through his panic attacks from his PTSD, once my friend hypothetically slapped me back to reality, I was able to utilize some of these tools to help me carry forward! With every day that my event moves closer I have a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride. After this surprise panic attack I have spoken to several people with out my friend present and made it through, building more toward the excitement side of the picture!! 

      The small taste of these episodes I have been having make me even more grateful for our Heroes who willingly walked into serving our country and experience this in day to day life! I am honored to be able to be my husbands caregiver and give back to at least one veteran. I am even more honored to have been invited to The Coalition to Salute America's Heroes fundraising committee so that I am able to extend help to not only other veterans but other veterans families too!

Easter - Lacy Mullen

In our home Easter is full of excitement, and concern. Just like any other holiday Easter throws us off schedule, thus causing chaos in every possible way. We love having all the family time and being able explaining our beliefs to our children, that's always great! I love playing "dress up" with my kiddos, I love being able to take pictures of my most precious creations all dressed up.  The thrown off routine means I have to exercise more patience.  The constant reminders of what is happening next ,and the "Well, we will be late if y'all don't kick it into gear!", seems to become the number one phrase. With such an schedule packed with events, there is always the chance of a PTSD trigger, no matter how prepared you attempt to be. That's where the concern comes in, our children know, with the exception of our soon to be 3 year old who happens to be stuck to Daddy like glue, that there is a possibility of leaving any outing at the drop of a pin because Daddy might start feeling sick. This is never an issue for them, they love him very much and all have their own understanding of what is going on. Unfortunately, this is not always as easy for those who are at events we are attending. Many of our family, friends, and acquaintances begin to ask a million "why" questions, or make statements like "But, y'all just got here!". I understand they do not live it so, it is impossible to comprehend the need to rush off. I do not have any qualms with them because of their curiosity It isn't because we do not like them or the activities going on, In fact we hate it, more then they do. We do not want to end our children having a blast for the day, making memories and bonding with others. We do not want to end catching up or getting to know anyone. My husband doesn't want to feel like everyone is looking at him like he is rude because he looks fine on the outside, so they think he must just be being selfish. Nonetheless, there are always the "why" questions, which I would love to answer by the way, over the phone or in a later or in person, because the affects of PTSD and TBI are just not common knowledge, I still learn more everyday! On the other hand, there are certain people, that even at a later time because I don't want to explain things to because, they ask things like, "Isn't there medication for that?", or possibly it is that they seem as though they are so sorry that the children and I are "stuck" with this because it's such a pity, then there is the "I couldn't live like that, I don't know how you do it.", statement that really irritates me. I love my husband unconditionally; yes, there are things that have changed since we were married but, nothing will ever change the love I have for him. When you are truly committed to someone things like PTSD, TBI, and even the physical therapy I do with him, seem so little compared to the strength of the bond you feel and experience. Things that have been forged through blood, sweat, and tears! I guess what I'm really trying to say is sometimes it isn't the intent of your words and actions, rather the impact of them that you should be concerned with. I do not believe that those who I talk to that respond with such things intend to hurt my feelings, or upset me, sadly many times that is the impact. I don't like feeling like I need to play defense when I am trying to educate you about my life, that you asked about in the first place. Then again maybe these feelings are more of the sneaky affects that second hand PTSD has had on me. I know this was a bit raw emotionally and I thank you for reading it. I am hopeful it creates more understanding for those who have some very real, not so visible wounds.

Old Friends - Lacy Mullen

 Since my husbands medical retirement he hasn't talked about many friends. He is not a very social person, never has been. There are a few who have made it through and he asks about them, or asks if I've heard from them But, for the most part, he's good with playing with the kids. It's been almost a year for us moving into our home, a few of his friends have come to visit. He enjoyed his time with them tremendously while they talked and stayed up late trying to remember different people's names they weren't so close to but severed with, telling funny stories and pranks that were played. 

Through it all I really just sat back and observed I was happy to see a different kind of joy from my husband. While watching, I could tell that with each joke and funny story there was a painful memory attached that was never spoken. The laughs would suddenly stop, and a deep intense look would cross over one or both of their faces, and silence would kill the joy that was flowing just moments earlier. The amazing thing was they were all able to step right back into a new funny story or prank that was played nearly as quickly as the hard silence would come and go. I admire my husband and his friends, along with all of our other military family.  Blood or not, these men and women are stronger than I could ever imagine being. To have every good moment tainted, to me, would for sure darken my entire outlook. Yet they carry on through the ashes they are growing forests!

His Alive Day - Antoinette Batchelor

Today, April 4th 2017 marks 13 years since the beginning of what would be later named the Siege of Sadr City. It would last 4 years, 1 month, 1 week and it all began on a day dubbed Black Sunday. 8 US troops were killed on the first day of fighting, a further 51 of them were injured. 
13 Years is a long time. I don't know what I was doing on April 4th 2004, I was all of 16 years old, Im sure most people on my friends list couldn't tell me where they were on April 4th 2004. My children were not yet born, and wouldn't be for another 6. They are growing up in a world where April 4th 2004 was the distant past. And yet.... Echos of that day ring through our lives and will forever. Ghosts of that siege sit with us at dinner each evening, and join my husband in his dreams at night. They will never be far from our family. If you've ever met my husband, you've met those Ghosts. They travel with him everywhere he goes, they are part of who he is now, they are as much a part of him as anything is a part of him. The after effects of that day will be with my husband his entire life, they will be with my children their entire lives, and probably their children. and yet. We are so beyond blessed, because Today, 13 years later, against all odds, despite the fact that his war has never ended, my Husband woke up this morning.

8 families today woke up without being secure in that knowledge. please pray for them today, Please pray for 8 families who got Flags when their loved ones were bought home in cargo holds. please pray for 50 other service men and woman who are also living with the physical reminders of 04/04/04 and the countless others who are living with the memory. Time does its best to heal all hurts, but some scars will never fade. Thank a Veteran today, infact, Thank a veteran every day

Lacy Mullen - Life As a Caregiver

Many people avoid chaos every chance they get but, a life lived with a disabled veteran means that you embrace the chaos!

                Hello my name is Lacy Mullen, to share a little bit about myself and my family, I am 29 years old, the mother of four wonderful children, two boys and two girls ages 14, 8, 6, and 18 months; as-well-as the wife and caregiver of my hero and best friend Antonio. We have been married for 11 years. We met while my husband was serving in the Army. He was deployed twice to Iraq during Operation Iraqi Freedom. He served a total of 9 years 11 months in the Army before being medically retired in 2013. I found The Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes in 2015 and applied for a part time job to try and help make ends meet when his VA check wasn’t cutting it. I learn something new about The Coalition almost every day and this organization never ceases to amaze me. Not only because of the great things they do for our veterans, but the number of donors who continue to share hope, not only through their donations, but their kind words when I call them through the Heroes Thanking Heroes Program.

                Becoming a caregiver has dramatically changed my life. In some ways, I don’t notice until I am faced with certain situations, but others are more obvious day to day. Obviously when I became aware of my husband’s injuries, I was concerned. I knew when I married him there was a chance of injury, and even the possibility of becoming a young widow. But, until I heard he was injured, I think that’s when the reality of that really sank in. Immediately I felt the need to jump into action, researching and asking a million questions. “Will he ever get better?”, “What can I do to help him?”,  “How will this affect our family’s future?”. It’s hard to hear some of the answers to those questions though, “No, he will never get better, you will all just learn to adapt.”, “There isn’t much you can do but be there for him. This is going to be hard for your family.”. I decided I didn’t like these answers, I can live with adapting that is part of life. But, I can do something I can love him through all of this, not just be there for him, but be there WITH him.

 Antonio has chronic PTSD, TBI, a back, hip, and knee injury, as well as tinnitus. I have become his counselor, physical therapist, nurse, taxi, calendar, and so much more. Some being what any spouse would do, and others well, a little higher call to action. Planning things goes a little different than it used to. There is little to no spontaneity due to his PTSD and TBI, because this could be a trigger. Where anyone could stop by at any time before now, everyone knows they need to give a bit of a notice so the doorbell doesn’t cause a panic. When we go out, we must take note of all exits and access a seating location accordingly, adding that we need to try and have a wall at his back. We also know that even though he is usually not looking at us rather looking all around, he is still as engaged in the activity with us as much as possible. Birthdays and holidays are a bit different as well. For birthdays, we are sure to make it at a location where he will be able to sit most of the function, hopefully in a somewhat secluded area, to not cause physical pain or over stimulation from noises and activities. And although we love to celebrate our freedom and honor our veterans, Independence Day is always edgy. Talking with close friends will never be the same because they look at you as though you are speaking a foreign language, not only because 8 plus years living a military life some of the verbiage rubs off on you,1 but how you live day to day is just so incomprehensible; with lack of certain freedoms like running to the store without giving a detailed route, ETA, and a call if anything changes.

                The Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes has been a valuable resource to me and my family because not only that I love and is helping me support my family but, I can talk to others who are caregivers to get an understanding view; or I can speak to others veterans who can share similar experiences so I can have a greater understanding of how to help my husband and family through things. The Coalition has also helped us around Christmas and Thanksgiving, very stressful times for anyone, yet made a little easier with a little extra financial help. I have also learned of many other helpful resources that work with the Coalition to help veterans and their families in any way they can.

                It is a challenge for me to find time for myself, that makes me feel like I am fading away and am only Antonio’s wife and the kids’ mom. Even when I do manage to plan and prepare for an evening away with a friend, I question is it worth the madness upon my return. To have time away I need to plan any meals or snacks that will occur during my absence, (not that, that’s abnormal) and be sure to give all details of my planned event (Driving route and time, activity time, phone number to reach me if my cell isn’t answered, who I will be with). Yes, sounds like a kid leaving their parent I know, but it has nothing to do with control. We found that if this doesn’t happen, an episode of panic and distress occurs easily, and anxiety goes to extreme. All of this has really become normal for us, so isn’t much of a challenge any more. The biggest challenge in it is me being able to shut off. It is virtually impossible, even when I have planned, shared, and leave for an evening, to stop thinking about what needs to be done at home; thinking what if something happens that I am not there to immediately fix.

                I have a small office in our house, this is where I work and do small crafts. It’s hard for me to stay intrigued by one project for long, so I rotate between many things. I have puzzles started, I crochet, scrapbook, latch-hook, just about anything that I can pick up and leave on a whim. I put treat bags together for my kids for birthdays, Valentines parties, Christmas parties, and any other little school parties. I love my little office because I can go in there and blow off steam doing all the above or just have a good scream (I am blessed to have a room that used to be a vocal room as part of a home studio no one outside the closed door is hearing much if anything of what I am doing.)

                I wish that others knew that being a caregiver is a choice. I have gotten so frustrated by hearing people say to me that they are sorry that I must be my husband’s caregiver. That it’s not fair because I am so young. That they hate that I am missing out on so much. Being a caregiver is not an easy job sometimes, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I don’t see it as unfair, or that I must do it. I feel like I am rewarded with the ability to show my husband just how much I love him. I am fulfilling part of the promise I made when I said till death do us part. I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything, in fact I feel fortunate enough to have someone to take care of, so many have lost their Hero and I still have mine, uniquely battered and bruised in his own perfectly imperfect way.

                For a while it was hard to keep an intimate relationship because of my caregiving responsibilities. Somewhat because I was just too tired and some being because I get frustrated. I can’t surprise him with anything big because, he needs to know where we are going ahead of time. When I noticed, this was becoming a challenge (in case you didn’t already realize I’m a take action kind of girl), I decided I would research and question everyone I know. I got a lot of advice, some very interesting to say the least. However, the things I heard more than anything is always say I love you even in the middle of a disagreement, communication is key, and always make time to celebrate each other. So I communicated these things with my husband, I bite my tongue and think before I speak, and we plan time alone away from the kids, as-well-as family time.