Many people avoid chaos every chance they get but, a life
lived with a disabled veteran means that you embrace the chaos!
Hello
my name is Lacy Mullen, to share a little bit about myself and my family, I am
29 years old, the mother of four wonderful children, two boys and two girls
ages 14, 8, 6, and 18 months; as-well-as the wife and caregiver of my hero and
best friend Antonio. We have been married for 11 years. We met while my husband
was serving in the Army. He was deployed twice to Iraq during Operation Iraqi
Freedom. He served a total of 9 years 11 months in the Army before being
medically retired in 2013. I found The Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes in
2015 and applied for a part time job to try and help make ends meet when his VA
check wasn’t cutting it. I learn something new about The Coalition almost every
day and this organization never ceases to amaze me. Not only because of the
great things they do for our veterans, but the number of donors who continue to
share hope, not only through their donations, but their kind words when I call
them through the Heroes Thanking Heroes Program.
Becoming
a caregiver has dramatically changed my life. In some ways, I don’t notice
until I am faced with certain situations, but others are more obvious day to
day. Obviously when I became aware of my husband’s injuries, I was concerned. I
knew when I married him there was a chance of injury, and even the possibility
of becoming a young widow. But, until I heard he was injured, I think that’s
when the reality of that really sank in. Immediately I felt the need to jump into
action, researching and asking a million questions. “Will he ever get better?”,
“What can I do to help him?”, “How will
this affect our family’s future?”. It’s hard to hear some of the answers to
those questions though, “No, he will never get better, you will all just learn
to adapt.”, “There isn’t much you can do but be there for him. This is going to
be hard for your family.”. I decided I didn’t like these answers, I can live
with adapting that is part of life. But, I can do something I can love him
through all of this, not just be there for him, but be there WITH him.
Antonio has chronic
PTSD, TBI, a back, hip, and knee injury, as well as tinnitus. I have become his
counselor, physical therapist, nurse, taxi, calendar, and so much more. Some
being what any spouse would do, and others well, a little higher call to
action. Planning things goes a little different than it used to. There is
little to no spontaneity due to his PTSD and TBI, because this could be a
trigger. Where anyone could stop by at any time before now, everyone knows they
need to give a bit of a notice so the doorbell doesn’t cause a panic. When we
go out, we must take note of all exits and access a seating location
accordingly, adding that we need to try and have a wall at his back. We also
know that even though he is usually not looking at us rather looking all around,
he is still as engaged in the activity with us as much as possible. Birthdays
and holidays are a bit different as well. For birthdays, we are sure to make it
at a location where he will be able to sit most of the function, hopefully in a
somewhat secluded area, to not cause physical pain or over stimulation from
noises and activities. And although we love to celebrate our freedom and honor
our veterans, Independence Day is always edgy. Talking with close friends will
never be the same because they look at you as though you are speaking a foreign
language, not only because 8 plus years living a military life some of the
verbiage rubs off on you,1 but how you live day to day is just so
incomprehensible; with lack of certain freedoms like running to the store
without giving a detailed route, ETA, and a call if anything changes.
The
Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes has been a valuable resource to me and my
family because not only that I love and is helping me support my family but, I
can talk to others who are caregivers to get an understanding view; or I can
speak to others veterans who can share similar experiences so I can have a
greater understanding of how to help my husband and family through things. The
Coalition has also helped us around Christmas and Thanksgiving, very stressful
times for anyone, yet made a little easier with a little extra financial help.
I have also learned of many other helpful resources that work with the
Coalition to help veterans and their families in any way they can.
It is a
challenge for me to find time for myself, that makes me feel like I am fading
away and am only Antonio’s wife and the kids’ mom. Even when I do manage to
plan and prepare for an evening away with a friend, I question is it worth the
madness upon my return. To have time away I need to plan any meals or snacks
that will occur during my absence, (not that, that’s abnormal) and be sure to
give all details of my planned event (Driving route and time, activity time,
phone number to reach me if my cell isn’t answered, who I will be with). Yes,
sounds like a kid leaving their parent I know, but it has nothing to do with
control. We found that if this doesn’t happen, an episode of panic and distress
occurs easily, and anxiety goes to extreme. All of this has really become
normal for us, so isn’t much of a challenge any more. The biggest challenge in
it is me being able to shut off. It is virtually impossible, even when I have
planned, shared, and leave for an evening, to stop thinking about what needs to
be done at home; thinking what if something happens that I am not there to immediately
fix.
I have
a small office in our house, this is where I work and do small crafts. It’s
hard for me to stay intrigued by one project for long, so I rotate between many
things. I have puzzles started, I crochet, scrapbook, latch-hook, just about
anything that I can pick up and leave on a whim. I put treat bags together for
my kids for birthdays, Valentines parties, Christmas parties, and any other
little school parties. I love my little office because I can go in there and
blow off steam doing all the above or just have a good scream (I am blessed to
have a room that used to be a vocal room as part of a home studio no one
outside the closed door is hearing much if anything of what I am doing.)
I wish
that others knew that being a caregiver is a choice. I have gotten so
frustrated by hearing people say to me that they are sorry that I must be my
husband’s caregiver. That it’s not fair because I am so young. That they hate
that I am missing out on so much. Being a caregiver is not an easy job
sometimes, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I don’t see it as unfair, or
that I must do it. I feel like I am rewarded with the ability to show my
husband just how much I love him. I am fulfilling part of the promise I made
when I said till death do us part. I don’t feel like I am missing out on
anything, in fact I feel fortunate enough to have someone to take care of, so
many have lost their Hero and I still have mine, uniquely battered and bruised
in his own perfectly imperfect way.
For a
while it was hard to keep an intimate relationship because of my caregiving
responsibilities. Somewhat because I was just too tired and some being because
I get frustrated. I can’t surprise him with anything big because, he needs to
know where we are going ahead of time. When I noticed, this was becoming a
challenge (in case you didn’t already realize I’m a take action kind of girl),
I decided I would research and question everyone I know. I got a lot of advice,
some very interesting to say the least. However, the things I heard more than
anything is always say I love you even in the middle of a disagreement,
communication is key, and always make time to celebrate each other. So I
communicated these things with my husband, I bite my tongue and think before I
speak, and we plan time alone away from the kids, as-well-as family time.
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