Finding the Balance and Blend

This is the first time I've ever been asked to write about what it is like to live with a Veteran and become their caregiver.  I truly had to think about what direction I wanted to take with this. Let me first tell you a little bit about us both; my name is Tonya and my husband is Joe. 

I am a disabled Navy Veteran, but I never deployed. After I got out of the military I started working for the Department of Defense as a Police Officer. I served for 15 years. In 2007 my mother passed away and I became the caregiver of my sister, who was almost 25 at the time. My sister relocated from Texas to Connecticut to live with me. A year later, in 2008, we relocated to South Carolina, trying to get closer to home.  Then in 2010, I met my husband - he was still on active duty at the time.  We married a short time later, on April 1, 2011 (yes April's Fool's day!) We had our first baby in Jan 2012.

Throughout the first year, we struggled with his drinking. While we dated, I knew he drank but because of my work schedule and the long shifts, he was able to hide the amount that he drank from me. Then after I became pregnant and my work hours changed I realized the amount he was drinking. It truly scared me because my dad was an alcoholic and both of my parents were drug addicts. I refused to have my sister or my children be raised around an alcoholic. We never argued or fought about it, but we talked about it. I explained my reasoning and he would explain his.  He slowed down but would always have an excuse to grab a "six pack 24 oz" on his way home. Finally, when our son was just a few months old, there was an incident where Joe was holding him while he was drunk and almost dropped him because he "tripped". I flipped a lid and put my foot down. It was agreed upon that he would drink only on his birthday, and he would go get the help he needed that following Monday.

Well, that choice started us down a long road that we never expected. The medications he was put on about a year later caused him to be medically discharged from the USMC in April 2013. He struggled a lot with his PTSD/Anxiety but he truly had an amazing Psychologist while we were in South Carolina. Then we decided to relocate to Texas in January 2014, to be closer to our families. Then, we struggled with getting him the proper treatment needed from the VA psychologist clinic in our new town. It seems like every time we turn around he ends up with an intern, who wants to try the same medications he has already tried, so we know it does not work. But because "they are the doctor so they are right" regardless of what the veteran is telling them. I, as the caregiver, have to deal with the aftermath.

As a caregiver and spouse, you deal with a very upset veteran when they get home from their appointments... the mood swings they go through as their medicines are getting changed out, or when they are simply overwhelmed because they are not able to get a doctor for any permanent length of time that listens to them and what they are feeling and/or what they would like to happen. 

My husband does not suffer from any visible physical injuries; the majority are mental and emotional but have given him a form of Tourette Syndrome. His ticks have changed over the years. As his caregiver, these are just as difficult because you have to learn his triggers and watch for his signs. Overall we keep our communication line between us open. I know most of you who are caregivers know that being able to talk to one another is very important. He and I had a hard time in the beginning because we had two children and my special needs sister, who suffers from short-term memory disability and a slight case of cerebral palsy, which is only getting worse as she gets older. All of which just added to the stress, but we all have our trials and tribulations that we deal with daily.

After almost 12 years of marriage, making sure we keep our communication line open between one another and finding even just 30 minutes of alone time throughout the chaos of the day really makes a difference.