 |
We spent a lovely 6 days and 5 nights connecting as a
couple, and as a family. We are trying to change some traditions in our
household. Things have gotten, well, sloppy, for lack of a better term. It was
time to tighten up the ship so to speak. I know it was very important to my
husband, so it was also important for me to be supportive. At the beginning of
the week, my children had a hard time at the table in the main lodge where we
all gathered to eat. They are ages 12, 6, and 4. My youngest two have gotten
used to a much more lax eating style than I had intended to happen. I would let
them eat picnic-style on the floor with a blanket and a movie on, rather than
at the table. I noticed that it was bothering my husband and although it was
"easier" for me - it didn't make it right! We really began to enforce
this during our stay, and it was really impressive watching their manners
change over the week.
It didn't occur to me as it was happening, but we were
all changing a little bit. My husband and I attended a two-part class called
The Oxygen Seminar, which empowers you with strategies to enhance communication,
build empathy, resolve conflict and rekindle your romance with your spouse. It
is meant to help each partner gain a better understanding of how your
personalities impact your partnership, and how to better relate to one another.
Out of 8 modules, we were instructed through 4, in a somewhat sped up time
frame. Never having gone through anything like this before, it was interesting
to participate and learn some things about myself and my spouse that I didn't
know before, even after 10 years. I was, still, checking myself and making sure
not to get caught up in what HE was doing, but rather what I was doing and how
much I was taking from it. I was tuning into body language and facial
expressions more. I was trying to maintain more eye contact.
Another class we attended was on understanding PTS. This
is the class I had been waiting for. I need to better understand what my
husband is facing internally in order for me to better change my reactions.
When he doesn't share what he's feeling or thinking on the inside I have no way
of knowing. The instructor let us all know that this class could potentially
trigger some - they formed it in a way to make it less likely that could happen
- but to be prepared. I could feel my anxiety heightening as I looked over at my
husband and could feel his tension. I chose to again, check-in with myself.
We talked about two circles overlapping to make a section
in the middle. The right circle is us, the left circle our spouse, where they
meet in the middle being the relationship. This image stuck with me. The
instructor stated how when looking at the circles if you are in a bad space
your circle affects the relationship, which in turn muddles into your partner's
circle. It was then that I realized something I had always known. I have my own
circle, and he has his... he is responsible for his own trauma and pain, as am
I. We needed to heal our own circles for our relationship to get better. I
looked over at him, again, and he looked like he was drowning. I am so in tune
with him that to anyone else in the room there sat a calm and composed man;
however, I could see the room rushing with water for him. I had no idea WHY. It
must have been something I did. No one else looked that way. Maybe I just
didn't know them well enough? I was not sure; all I knew is that I needed a
time out. I went to the bathroom alone to let a few tears trickle, wiped them
away and got back to the room.
It wasn't until the next day at a couple's therapy
session that I learned what was going on internally with my husband in that
class. During the class, he shared that he recalled coming off of the plane
from Iraq and being told that they all needed a debriefing on transitioning
into the civilian world. How they were no longer in need of being/feeling
threated. He told the PTS class that it caused him some intense internal
struggle to come to terms with that debriefing. While he knew coming back to
the USA was nothing like the places and things he experienced at war, he
acknowledged that in a sense, it wasn't much safer. He recalled school and
public shootings, and bad guys who wore the masks of good guys, right here in
our back yards. There was another veteran in the class who refuted that the USA
is NOTHING like the hell experienced in Iraq and Afghanistan. He went on some
more, and my husband closed up. He felt misunderstood. There was a woman
sitting next to him who continued to wave her hands around and this was giving
him some anxiety. Before he knew it he was in a full-blown PTS attack. He spent
the last few minutes of class standing in the back of the room on his 5th cup
of coffee. I was worried. I was relieved to know that whatever look he had
during that class didn't have to do with me, but mostly I was worried. I had no
idea that those two things had gotten him so agitated. My thoughts started to
trail, and feelings of hopelessness overcame me.
I stopped. I breathed...
I kept the image
of the circles in my mind. I requested that he work on sharing with me when he
is feeling triggered. I want to be supportive, and I want to be the safe voice
he hears when the PTS takes over. What clicked for me is that the weight of his
wounds is not mine to carry. I needed to stop blaming myself. It was time that
I look after my own circle because I was feeling the darkness carry over, and I
wanted to keep a flicker of light, so I could see us both out of here.
No comments:
Post a Comment