Eggshells... help fertilize a plant... right?
I'm talking about living with a veteran. Being a veteran's
spouse, more specifically. Eggshells come to mind. Yes, I said it. Walking on a
thin surface that is fragile and could very easily crack, being very careful
with your words, attempting to manipulate the temperature of the room but
working a broken thermostat... Am I being clear? It's impossible to create the
perfect environment to avoid triggers, and keep everyone else in line - simply
put, I am not God! After many years of trial and error, I've found the less I
try to "fix" others, the more energy I have to better myself. Not
only does it benefit me, but it gives my partner a chance to better himself.
Like the quote "you are you and I am I, if by chance we find each other,
it's beautiful."
Living with a veteran who has PTSD that went untreated for
over 10 years is, well, exhausting. I won't cookie-cutter it, I just don't ever
know what the day will be like waking up. There could have been nightmares
overnight, that I didn't know about. Most of the time my spouse won't share
about the nightmares, he will stuff them away. If when we are out in public and
he has a vision or smell of something, I typically won't know that either.
Sometimes, later on, he will share, but I go on not knowing about the majority
of the triggers he faces. He faces them all alone, by choice. My wish is that
one day he will feel safe to open up that box and release it all. Just let it
all out. I know it is a work in progress. A seed has been recently planted and
I can see the little sprout poking up. With enough sunshine and water, he will
be standing tall again as bright as ever. That is my wish for him. I will be
here to see him through.
What else is it like? There are dirty clothes piles, at
least 4 of them on the bedroom floor at any given time. Forgotten commitments
due to memory loss, there are crumbs on the couch and candy wrappers in the
cushions, a sink full of dirty dishes. Okay, maybe that's just life with
children, but he sure does contribute! All jokes aside, even on bad days there
is always laughter. Making light of things that go wrong is his specialty.
Nothing ever feels "too heavy", or "too much to face" with him.
I love him for that. He creates a calmness around him while his insides are in
turmoil. While I admire his strength, I do want him to be okay feeling things.
It's good to look at life with humor instead of curling up in a ball, after
all, we have a choice. He recently shared with me that he made himself a
promise to stop making everything a joke. He said it is his way of coping, but
not everything needs to be funny. Perspective is everything. I appreciate his
jokes because, in spite of everything he's seen at war, he never lost his
ability to cope with laughter! But I, being the more "serious" of us
two, felt proud of his self-reflection.
I was scrolling through facebook on Veteran's Day morning
when I came across the post of a woman, former military, asking for opinions. She
wrote that a local businessman was not supportive of veterans on Veteran's Day
and was asking for advice - boycott the business or ignore? Tons of people had
lots to say. The businessman even found himself on that thread defending
himself and his stance. I kept on reading, and it occurred to me that so many
people just truly don't understand this lifestyle. This man felt that we live
in a veteran praised country, and why does one profession deserve more praise
than any other? I wasn't sure if my strong connection to the veteran community
is what had me in awe of this statement, or if I was biased. I dug deeper into
my thoughts and realized that while yes, Veterans do get some acknowledgment,
they do not get nearly enough! I wanted to go off on a tangent there on Facebook, but I stayed quiet. I wanted to ask him if anyone he loved had served
our nation? I felt I had the answer to that without having to ask; because If
someone you love has gone to war, not once or twice but three times, and comes
back to talk about it... they deserve more than a free sandwich once a year on
Veteran's Day. They deserve our support. This man didn't understand because he
was lacking empathy and a connection to the military that pulled at his heart.
I hope more people will come around to supporting our veterans, they need all
the support they can get.
I am proud to live with a veteran, as complicated as he may
be, he is my own personal hero and a person I have learned so much about myself
through. I am grateful for this care-giving journey I have found myself on.
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