Ok, when I was wounded I knew there would be problems later in life. What I didn't know is that after 14 years, the number of problems that would come from JUST the bullet staying in my head. This sucks.
There are days where it feels like someone is sitting on my shoulders using a small blow torch on part of my neck. It feels like I'm being burnt down to the bone in my neck. Other days it feels like my head is being pulled or scrunched sometimes at different times, sometime at the same time. The arthritis and nerve pain have certainly taken a toll on my quality of life and some days are harder than others. Do you see the picture I'm painting. It's a little sadder, maybe a little darker than some of my previous Alive Day posts. This one however, may be the most honest and unfiltered.
Chronic pain really does wear you down. It makes you different and a lot of time when you're dealing with chronic pain, it feels like your wearing a mask. A mask that says "I'm ok" or "it's not that bad" and the only purpose of the feeling of wearing a mask is so I don't have to seem like I'm complaining if I give a more honest answer.
I've made it this far with only using Ibuprofen, Tylenol, chiropractic care and the left overs from a 2017 bottle of pain medication from surgery. The bottle of pain pills started with 30 in April of 2017. Today, there are about 5 left. Not bad if you ask me and what I've discovered is that you can increase your personal pain threshold with comfort being a primary tradeoff. I'm also looking into a variety of CBD oils that can help to greatly (and naturally) reduce inflammation, reduce pain and yes- even improve my mood.
After all these years with this "condition" do you wanna know what you still don't hear me say, and won't EVER?
I quit. I'm done. I want this to end or the pain is too great. You'll never hear those words come out of my mouth, ever.
My life has become so much more than just me in it. My wife Sarah is the reason that, even after a horrible night of sleep, I still look forward to waking up. To wake up and see the woman that has stood by my side since 2003, even before my injury. She has seen the highs and lows and has been my inspiration to be the man my kids deserve, not just who they have. She's my wife, my partner in this life, the mother of my children and my best friend. I'd be lost without her and I make it a point to tell her that often.
My (3) kids are also the best part of my day. Hell, they're the best part of me. I see my oldest daughter whose a genius, basketball player, swimmer, diver and water polo player with the biggest heart and prettiest smile you'll ever see and I'm just blown away that I had a part in her creation. My 10 year old son is "my dude" and when we play video games together or go fishing, he reminds me how special the bond is between a father and a son. My beautiful little 1 year old has more personality than Sarah and I put together and she just lights up a room when she smiles. Her growing, getting in to stuff, sharing hugs and sloppy kisses are worth every day of pain that I live with.
I'm here for the long run and for these reasons and so much more, I'll never quit. I'll have a prosthetic head or neck loooooong before I ever give up on this life. My injury has been quite vexing, especially as of late but, it has led me to the most amazing life with the most amazing team of veterans, caregivers and colleagues I could ever hope for. The Coalition has become an intricate part of so many lives because of this bullet in my head. I guess it can't be that bad right?
Just wait till next year......huge party for the 15th Alive Day for this guy!
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