Irreplaceably Broken

I have been married to my veteran/hero for nearly 12 years. We have been through a lot together to include two deployments. When I met him he was always the life of the party even when there wasn't a party. Doing anything and everything possible to bring a smile to those around him. Needless to say, I was quickly swept off my feet with his bubbling spirit, kind gestures to all, and awkward sense of humor! After two deployments and three children, on the outside, we looked like the perfect American family - so happy and so blessed!
It was a much different feeling inside of me though. I felt like I was drowning because our house had become shook by something I didn't understand at the time. He had begun to drink ALL the time and seemed so blank. Not angry, not sad... just empty. I blamed myself, I just knew it had to be something I had done to cause him to be this way behind closed doors because when I saw him interact with others he was still the man I easily fell madly in love with. I called close friends and family trying to ask for help and find out what I could do to fix what was wrong with me, to make him happy with me again. All with dead-end answers like "maybe he just fell out of love with you.", and "people change, maybe you should just get a divorce and move on."

Well, these were not good enough for me. I'm stubborn, I'm a fixer, I made vows and still had every intention of keeping them! This man was and is my other half and I cannot possibly just cut ties with half of myself. This man is my children's Dad and I need him at his best for them. This thought process stayed for a while until one night he went out with friends drinking. Upset and wanting him to know it,  I chose to sleep on the couch... apparently, this was a mistake. When he came home he was really drunk and I was not where I was supposed to be. This made something snap inside him and he became violent. Screaming at me asking who I was and how I got in his house? He frantically went into the kids' rooms making sure they were there. I followed him afraid he was going to try and hurt them. He quickly snapped back to me still accusing me of being an intruder and asking what I had done with his wife who was not in her bed. No matter what I said or did he was not accepting that I was me. I finally got him outside and locked the door. Making the hardest decision of my life at the time, I decided to call the M.P.s as he tried to break back into our home screaming "I am going to kill you! You better stay away from my kids!" and "I will find out what you did with my wife." He was arrested and that is when I broke.
I had a Uhaul reserved before he made it to the station. Once his unit became aware of what had happened they sent him to a PTSD stress, drug, and alcohol center. I shared with his Platoon SGT my plans to leave. She begged me to rethink this, telling me I could do what I felt I needed but I should know if I did leave he would have no reason to get better. So, I canceled the moving truck and decided once he returned from the rehabilitation center I would tell him he had no more chances. If I even thought he was going to mess up, I was leaving with our kids. He came home and I did just as I had planned. I told him that as far as I was concerned, I was there as a roommate and friend. He could talk to me, we could do family events together but until further notice, I was no longer his wife, just the mother of his children- helping him heal for them.
He agreed and apologized a hundred times over. Things were going well for the next six months. He worked and came home, we did family things together, I worked and came home, and so on. My job was evening shift so we didn't have very much interaction unless we really planned it and the kids were always with one of us so it was great. Our children went away for summer vacation to their grandmother's house and we began to get closer. It started to feel like we had just met again, going on dates and even clowning around again. Everything was starting to go back to our normal.
One night I left for work and we even shared a goodbye kiss! I had a busy night and didn't have time to check my phone at all. As we were closing, my phone kept ringing so I finally answered. It was my husband's Platoon Sgt. asking if I had heard from him. I explained I had been busy at work and hadn't had a chance to hear from anyone, then asked, "Why?" as my heart pummeled my chest. She said, "Please check your messages and go straight to the hospital, he needs you!"
The next several hours are kind of blurry after I hung up from the call and was on my way out the door reading a text from him telling me he loved me, there was something wrong with him and he needed to exit my life in order to give me what was best for me and the kids... a chance to find someone not broken! I don't know how I didn't get pulled over on the way to the hospital, I am not even sure how I got there because however it was, it wasn't fast enough. I burst through the doors and the receptionist said I would have to wait for a nurse to escort me, I couldn't breathe because she wouldn't tell me his condition. A nurse came out and told me he was asking for me. Finally! A little relief - at least he is able to speak so his goodbye text was not a success. The nurse then shuttles me to a quiet room and I'm like uh where is he? She said, “I can't take you in yet because I have to talk with you.”
I do not understand this at all.. you just said he has been asking for me so why am I in this room with the dim lighting, Bible on the side tables of these couches, and tissue boxes everywhere? As I begin to feel green and my heart cannot stay contained in my chest any longer because it is racing like the beat of a million wild horses, it crosses my mind that this is where they tell the family that they did all they could! Inside my head, I am screaming but can barely gasp for air in this room to form any kind of sound.
Apparently, she could see the distress on my face and kindly said, “Stay calm and he is alive but I do have to counsel you before I can allow you to see him. He did try to overdose and is not very coherent at this time. That's all I heard from her. She said some other things but I really don't know what… something about family counseling and so on. I just couldn't wait to get to him to tell him I was sorry I felt like I had isolated him from my fear of being hurt again to the point that I almost really lost him completely. This was a good day I had thought when I left for work. Things were getting back to where they were supposed to be. I do not understand why this was the day that turned so wickedly to a nightmare where he was almost part of the 22 veterans a day who lose their battle at home. I was almost a widow because of a war in his mind. My children were almost without their Dad because he thought for a split second that someone else would be better for them because of his wounds from war.

Our Veterans need to know we are here for them every day. I felt compelled to share my story because I am proud of what the Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes is doing to help lower the suicide rates within our Veteran families.  #22standing