My name is Kacy Revord and I’m a caregiver to my husband. I have
been married to my veteran Charles, for almost 13 years now. I have loved him
for 18 years. He is my high school sweetheart. We have 5 children together.
Four daughters and one son.
My husband joined the Marine Corps in Jan. 2001. He had no
idea, that when he joined, that Sept. 11th would happen and make such
a huge change in his life.
I was not with him at the time. We decided six month’s prior
to put “us” on hold. He joined the service, I went and found a job and started
living my own life.
Aug. 2003, after he got home from his first tour to Iraq, he
called me out of the blue. “Hey you, how are you?”. Hearing his voice, like always, melted my
heart. We talked a little bit. Then he asked me to marry him. I said, YES! Four
months later. We said, I do!
I had no idea what PTSD was, no idea what war did to people.
I do know that I loved him just the same as our high school days. I guess, I
thought…I’m so happy, I got the man of my dreams. I did, I love him so much.
The reality of his tour to Iraq came when I got my first calls from him. (I was
in Michigan and he was in CA, stationed at Camp Pendleton). He was drunk! He
was drinking Jack Daniels, drink of choice by Marine’s. He was saying things
that broke my heart. He told me, I need you here. So I moved out to CA.
It wasn’t all roses and champagne. It was more heart break and
tears. I didn’t leave because I loved him. I didn’t leave, because I believed
in the words we said to each other on our wedding day, “for better or worse.”
He left for Iraq, his second tour 2004. I was pregnant. I
was very emotional, I wrote almost every day, and awaited those few and far
between phone calls.
When he came back early 2005. He got to meet his daughter
for the first time.
He seemed very humbled when he got back but there were times
when he wasn’t. I still didn’t understand PTSD. I just thought, what a jerk.
We moved back home to Michigan.
Present day.
My husband has severe PTSD. He is in counseling. Life is not
perfect here. It would be nice if it was, but it’s not. You can read about PTSD
and watch programs on how to help. But each person is different. I don’t ask my
husband about war, I let him talk to me when he wants to talk.
I reread his awards from time to time. When I read the
words, “He courageously charged across an open field into the hostile position,
exposing himself to enemy fire and fatally wounded the remaining insurgent”. I
am thankful to have him home with me. Although I try to understand that he has
pain, I will never know the depth of it.
With the pain that he carries. He tends to push me away.
There are times, I feel I am defeated. Broken down to
nothing. I wonder, is this it. I love him yes, but why, if he loves me, does he
make me feel like nothing. Here is this man who never in our youth, ever, hurt
my feelings. He protected me and made me feel loved. Now, his words cut me to
my core.
I have sat with him and talked it out. We could have a great
day at home. But it never failings, before he goes to bed, he has to say
something, anything really to hurt me.
Two months ago, our two older girls told him, “Dad you’re
mean to mom, why do you try so hard to hurt her”. I guess it got him thinking.
A few days later, he came out and said, I verbally abuse you honey. It’s not
okay, it was never okay. I don’t know why, but I know it has to stop. We
started going to counseling and we are working on “us” together. It isn’t and
hasn’t been an easy road. It’s hard and sometimes I want to grab my kid’s and
run. But to be honest. I really don’t want to run. I love this man. War has
hurt him and I pray that in time love will rebuild him, us, our family!
I am thankful for my husband. No matter
how hard the struggles, we have five amazing kids and love that “we” want to
last.
I have noticed with all the stress that he goes through, his
triggers, have become my triggers. I have been consumed with the stress of who,
where, what will lead to him being overwhelmed. I stopped doing things for me
and along the way, I lost my identity. I work from home, which I’m thankful for
my job with the Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes. With the support I get
from the whole team, I have started believing in myself again. I want to feel
whole. Then guilt starts to sink in, because he does not feel whole. I’m
learning that it’s fine to want to do things without him. Its fine to want to
smile and laugh with other’s. One day, he may want to do the fun things, smile
and laugh and just be happy again. I started writing poems again. Here is one,
I hope you like it! Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Silently I’m broken, you cannot see my pain. I will hide it,
while out in the open. The words that you say, echo in my brain, feeling like
I’m nothing. Well…it left a stain. Sometimes I feel ashamed. I cannot see or
know your pain. But I am only human and want what we used to be. –Kacy Revord
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