As I scramble around frantically
packing for our family vacation to South Carolina, my husband is laying down
because he is tired from studying all day and he is in so much pain, even as he
relaxes he is unable to rest because he is unable to find a comfortable
position. I find myself frustrated. I take a deep breath. I begin to mentally
walk myself through this as I have done many times before. I am not the one in
pain, physically have no idea what he is feeling and tell myself it’s not that
he doesn’t want to help, but better that he just rests and takes the time he
needs; it’s better this way for everyone. We have learned this the hard
way. Phew, we made it through that
without a huge melt down. Sometimes it
is hard to decipher “normal” family problems and those that come along with the
injuries that have forever changed the dynamics of our young family.
I was not married to my husband at
the time he was injured, however, was the one to receive that dreadful phone
call that forever changed our future. I
remember telling an older lady familiar with military life and everything that
comes along with it that we were getting married just 3 short months after his
injury and “ you are one brave woman,” is what she said to me. I was taken back and thought to myself “why,”
“whatever comes our way we will overcome.”
At the time I did not realize how optimistically naive I was. As time
went on, the reality of those simple words began to set in. Not because I
thought I was brave, those words were all the sudden everything but
simple. I began to think I bit off more
than I could chew. I began to believe I was not equipped to deal with a
lifetime of everything that comes along with being married to an injured war
veteran, and the unwritten expectations of managing a family with one. On top of that, it seems nobody that is not
directly exposed to someone injured at war, can comprehend the “little
picture,” the day to day obstacles. They
may understand the big picture, and at first everyone seems to be on board, but
as time goes on, that fades. I was and
still am guilty of this too. As time
goes on and we have more and more, good days, the bad days seems so distant,
until we would have one. Boom…we worked so hard to put our marriage back
together piece by piece to then be shattered by something so minuscule. Enough
was enough and we turned to the God we believe in, when we put him first in our
marriage everything seems to fall into place and we are unstoppable. We are not perfect, and still fail each other
at times, but when we realize that, instead of things shattering, it’s almost
just a little scratch on the surface.
I bring this up because we took a
trip and that is what helped me get through packing, and the frustrations of
others having expectations for my husband that I know are a bit unrealistic.
Because my husband’s scars can be covered with a shirt and a smile, people
think that time is healing everything.
In certain aspects they are right, but in others they could not be more
dead wrong. With me realizing this and
being compassionate to that, this was one of the better vacations we have
had. If he wanted to stay back in the
condo because he didn’t want to do something I was okay with that, I took
pictures and brought them back to show him. Because there was a lot of physical
activity involved in the vacation when he didn’t feel up to doing it I did not
pressure him into it, and so that I wasn’t missing out I would just go with
someone else at a time that he felt like vegging out and having his alone time.
When I was making sure everyone had
enough underwear packed, and his concern was that his weapon was packed, many
people would not understand that. But
I’m sure every veteran or wife of a veteran reading this is laughing a little to
themselves because they can relate.
Although with time some of the wounds may begin to heal in our veterans,
they still leave behind scars that are very much alive.
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