What happens when a veteran and their caregiver must switch roles? Although it may sound like a simple thing, it can actually cause a lot of stress to all parties involved. In many, if not most, cases there are fairly clear reasons as to why a veteran needs an actual caregiver. These usually stem from some form of physical disability and sometimes from mental or psychological reasons as well. Whatever the case, caregivers usually fill gaps in veterans’ lives, either assisting with or fully doing certain things the veteran is no longer able to do on their own. These challenges are one part of what can make stepping into a caregiving role difficult for some veterans. In situations where the caregiver is either out of commission due to illness or has medical issues that require surgery or hospitalization, they may require their own assistance in doing daily activities such as; cooking, cleaning, getting dressed, bathing, or even walking. In normal situations this may cause a little stress or anxiety, but if you add in the fact that the person trying to fill this role has physical disabilities making doing these things for themselves difficult, now you can see how now having to help someone else do them would be even harder.
The other side of this role reversal can sometimes be just as hard, if not harder, for both the veteran and the caregiver. This is the mental and emotional side. This comes into play because many caregivers are “bad patients.” They are the ones who are used to giving help, not receiving it. They have developed and set their own systems and routines in place that works best for them. Many caregivers have a tough time relinquishing control of things enough to allow someone else to take control of them. This can cause them to want to micro-manage the way things are done while they are unable to do things themselves. Stress levels and anxieties on both sides get raised because of differing views on how and when certain things should get done, minor fights break out because the reversal of roles can feel awkward. The person who usually is the caregiver feels upset because they just want to do things their way, and/or for themselves, but can’t. The person who is now stepping into the caregiver role feels bad or gets upset because they either can’t do a certain task or feel they’re messing up somehow and failing the person who always takes care of them.
So what do we do in these situations? The first thing I would suggest is sitting down and talking about this type of scenario before it happens. Make a plan for all the things you can think of that might make the role reversal easier once you need to do it. If possible, discuss plans on having someone come in to help - at least for the first few days to make things easier. Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or an in-home nurse, having an extra set of hands around can definitely help. It would also help to discuss expectations beforehand so that everyone is on the same page. These few things could help save many headaches in the future.
Written by: Beth King, Veteran Caregiver
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