New Year, New ME!

New Year, New ME!  In the month of January following the holidays it seems as though the gym is packed, healthy food is a bit sparse on the shelves at the store, and spring cleaning is coming, if not well underway already. Losing weight, eating healthier, exercising and getting more organized are resolutions that I keep seeing and hearing.  They tend to be at the top of the list in most common resolutions. 

            All of these are things that I would like to have more time to focus on.  Like I mentioned in my last blog post, my husband just graduated from the Physician’s Assistant Program at Duke. We started looking at houses and were ready to make North Carolina home. Then came an opportunity that we felt was too amazing to pass up. Robbie was selected to complete a fellowship at The Mayo Clinic in Minnesota!

            The first thing that comes to my mind when I hear Minnesota is cold. There are so many questions and doubts I have about what this next chapter brings. We are going to take a leap of faith. So, in this case, I desperately need to get more organized and get packed. So, do I call it a resolution or a goal?

            I also have the goal to lose some weight. I had a baby in April and the weight isn’t falling off quite as fast as it did with my first baby. That could also be a resolution or a goal?

I read an article that states about half of the people that make resolutions complete them. But even less complete these tasks if they are only considered goals.

So, where am I going with this?  Typically, the most success is seen in those who make lifestyle changes. Goals tend to be met and sustained. I’d like to think I’m not being too ambitious, but my New Year’s Resolution is to make some lifestyle changes. It can be done; New Year, New me!

T'is The Season

The Holidays. The more places I have lived, and the more people I encounter, I have realized it means something different to everyone.  Some love the hustle and bustle of the season, and many are trying to make their own traditions and memories. Others are trying to survive the chaos, or maybe just make it through the day, because all they have left of what used to be happy times are the memories. Maybe some are struggling to put presents under the tree or a meal on the table, so it’s just another day, but harder.

My veteran has worked tirelessly for the past 10 years to become a Physicians Assistant.  His dream job – Emergency Medicine. He’s recently graduated and got hired in the Emergency Department. I am proud, amazed, and in awe of his determination and drive.  With that being said, the sacrifices to be made are not through.  With medicine, especially emergency medicine there are always people in need, it’s a revolving door; it never closes.  I love that my veteran still has a passion to serve and am honored to call him mine.  I can’t help but wonder if it’s a double-edged sword.

I think about my children and the holidays and weekends they will be without him.  How can I or do I compensate for that?  In the past we have always gone back to where a majority of our family lives to spend the holidays.  This year we did not. In the past when we did not make that trip, however we lived among other military families that were in our situation.  This year we did not, and it made me appreciate the comradery of the military.

Even though we live across the nation, being part of the Coalition has kept some of that alive.  My co-workers are friends, and it’s like a big family.  Although I found myself struggling a little this season, I found myself especially thankful for family, my husband’s success and my job!

Living With a Wounded Veteran

Eggshells... help fertilize a plant... right?

I'm talking about living with a veteran. Being a veteran's spouse, more specifically. Eggshells come to mind. Yes, I said it. Walking on a thin surface that is fragile and could very easily crack, being very careful with your words, attempting to manipulate the temperature of the room but working a broken thermostat... Am I being clear? It's impossible to create the perfect environment to avoid triggers, and keep everyone else in line - simply put, I am not God! After many years of trial and error, I've found the less I try to "fix" others, the more energy I have to better myself. Not only does it benefit me, but it gives my partner a chance to better himself. Like the quote "you are you and I am I, if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful."

Living with a veteran who has PTSD that went untreated for over 10 years is, well, exhausting. I won't cookie-cutter it, I just don't ever know what the day will be like waking up. There could have been nightmares overnight, that I didn't know about. Most of the time my spouse won't share about the nightmares, he will stuff them away. If when we are out in public and he has a vision or smell of something, I typically won't know that either. Sometimes, later on, he will share, but I go on not knowing about the majority of the triggers he faces. He faces them all alone, by choice. My wish is that one day he will feel safe to open up that box and release it all. Just let it all out. I know it is a work in progress. A seed has been recently planted and I can see the little sprout poking up. With enough sunshine and water, he will be standing tall again as bright as ever. That is my wish for him. I will be here to see him through.

What else is it like? There are dirty clothes piles, at least 4 of them on the bedroom floor at any given time. Forgotten commitments due to memory loss, there are crumbs on the couch and candy wrappers in the cushions, a sink full of dirty dishes. Okay, maybe that's just life with children, but he sure does contribute! All jokes aside, even on bad days there is always laughter. Making light of things that go wrong is his specialty. Nothing ever feels "too heavy", or "too much to face" with him. I love him for that. He creates a calmness around him while his insides are in turmoil. While I admire his strength, I do want him to be okay feeling things. It's good to look at life with humor instead of curling up in a ball, after all, we have a choice. He recently shared with me that he made himself a promise to stop making everything a joke. He said it is his way of coping, but not everything needs to be funny. Perspective is everything. I appreciate his jokes because, in spite of everything he's seen at war, he never lost his ability to cope with laughter! But I, being the more "serious" of us two, felt proud of his self-reflection.

I was scrolling through facebook on Veteran's Day morning when I came across the post of a woman, former military, asking for opinions. She wrote that a local businessman was not supportive of veterans on Veteran's Day and was asking for advice - boycott the business or ignore? Tons of people had lots to say. The businessman even found himself on that thread defending himself and his stance. I kept on reading, and it occurred to me that so many people just truly don't understand this lifestyle. This man felt that we live in a veteran praised country, and why does one profession deserve more praise than any other? I wasn't sure if my strong connection to the veteran community is what had me in awe of this statement, or if I was biased. I dug deeper into my thoughts and realized that while yes, Veterans do get some acknowledgment, they do not get nearly enough! I wanted to go off on a tangent there on Facebook, but I stayed quiet. I wanted to ask him if anyone he loved had served our nation? I felt I had the answer to that without having to ask; because If someone you love has gone to war, not once or twice but three times, and comes back to talk about it... they deserve more than a free sandwich once a year on Veteran's Day. They deserve our support. This man didn't understand because he was lacking empathy and a connection to the military that pulled at his heart. I hope more people will come around to supporting our veterans, they need all the support they can get.

I am proud to live with a veteran, as complicated as he may be, he is my own personal hero and a person I have learned so much about myself through. I am grateful for this care-giving journey I have found myself on.

Veteran Caregiver