Friendly Fire

As caregivers, how can we justify and look past some of the actions that are taken when it comes to a veteran with PTSD? Do we take into consideration that maybe the caregiver has PTSD as well due to childhood abuse, trauma, or other diagnoses? I wish people would think about these factors and how they could contribute to the caregiver's reaction sometimes being "outside the norm."

Instead, there is judgment and gossip. Why do we give so much slack to veterans but not ourselves? During one of my extended stays at a treatment center while my husband was receiving help, I witnessed a caregiver open up about their struggles and their past. They have been in recovery for several years and were diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I watched them be treated like they weren't good enough and should not be in a caregiver role.

In my case, I never decided one day I was going to use drugs and become an addict. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer almost 13 years ago and as a result, I had to have a double mastectomy. That's when I was prescribed opiates. I 100% admit that at some point I did choose to continue using after I knew I was addicted. If I was a veteran, all the messed-up stuff I did wouldn't make you think twice about my past, you would only concentrate on what good I've done since then.

If I have a manic or PTSD episode some people (even some caregivers) may be judgmental, snicker, and/or gossip. The thing I find to be most ironic is that you would think caregivers or those who work with veterans and caregivers would be more understanding. In no way am I saying that veterans don't deserve that grace, but why don't we do the same for ourselves and others who struggle?

Have you thought of how dangerous it is to suggest to someone who is in recovery that they are high or using? What if they aren't confident in their sobriety, or if someone of importance to them hears it and believes what they heard and how this could affect their life and/or career? Nine out of ten times it's never exactly what you said because depending on how many people it went through, it will be twisted up in so many ways by the time it gets back to you. I wonder if people think about the damage they could do. Do they not care, or is it their goal to cause harm? I've always believed that what you say about someone says more about you than it will ever say about them.

I have no intention of trying to change anyone's mind about me; I doubt they will even read this, but it's not for them. It's for the next caregiver who opens up about what they have been through. It's for the person who hears something about someone so that they don't cause them any more hurt. All they want is someone that will listen to them. If they aren't your cup of tea, then walk away, but don't ostracize them!

I realize I am one of those people who can't do anything small or halfway. I'm not afraid to take risks, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I speak my mind. The world is filled with people who, no matter what you do, simply don't like you. The world is also filled with people who will love you fiercely. The ones who support you and lift you up - those are your people, so be who you are.

My advice is don't worry about what people say or think about you. If people want to see you as a good person, they will. If they want to see you as a bad person, absolutely nothing will stop them. Ironically, the more you try to show them who you are, and your good intentions, the more reason you give them to knock you down if they are committed to misunderstanding you. Keep your head up. Be confident. Keep your eyes ahead instead of wasting your time on those who want to drag you down or make you look back.

Written by a Veteran Caregiver in Recovery