Perfection is in the Eyes of the Beholder

 

As with many families in and outside of the military community, ours is a blended family. I am the quintessential hippie chick from Northern California who believes all dreams are possible. My veteran, however, is the typical combat seasoned soldier who will say what he thinks no matter how it sounds. If you don't like what he says too bad, just rub some dirt on it and move on. When my veteran and I first started dating, I had the grandiose idea that our six adult children would all get along. I envisioned us gathering together as one big happy family around the campfire singing Kumbaya. With marriage, we became the modern Brady Bunch with three girls and three boys between us.

The first time our middle children met (at the age of 22 years old), they decided they wanted to date as well. The idea of mother/daughter dates with father/son worked out well until it didn't, and they broke up. I was expected to side with my daughter and my veteran with his son. When I refused to choose a side, my daughter interpreted it as me choosing my veteran and son over her. This led to a lot of hurt feelings, the silent treatment for nearly two years, and heartache. I really just wanted everyone to get along and hold hands, but that was unrealistic. Adult children are just that; adults who have their own ideas about what and who they want in their quality world.

Our oldest daughters have the same name, except one is Cassy and the other Kassie. In the beginning, the firstborn clashed and did not like each other. They are both bossy and domineering. It took 6 years, but the C(K) assandra's have decided that they can co-exist as long as they both stay the head of their respective younger siblings. They now refer to themselves along with my middle daughter as the Three Witches Club.

Our youngest boys did not like sharing the attention with the only mom either of them had. Coming into this family, my veteran's youngest was the only child from wife number two. He was abandoned by his mother after the divorce. I am the only mom he has, but my son developed an unhealthy jealousy. Both of the babies in our families went active duty Army and served together at Ft. Campbell. They rarely saw one another due to this complex rivalry. As a mom and stepmom, it has been challenging to be equally attentive without my own children feeling slighted.

Holidays are complicated with our adult children spread across America. Get-togethers have been made even more difficult because of my veteran's severe TBI and PTSD. He has said some terrible things to all of the children, but my children have taken it very personally. Of his two sons, one is married and the other engaged. My veteran used to be very close to the eldest son, but cruel and cutting words spoken to the fiancée have dampened the relationship. In my veteran's mind, he is merely speaking the truth. He legitimately doesn't understand why feelings have been hurt, and relationships strained. I cannot undo the psychological damage and distance that unkind words carry with them. I no longer try to explain that their dad/stepdad is in a tremendous amount of emotional and physical pain. I have attempted to educate them that his symptoms will only worsen, to be patient and non-confrontational. Having been upgraded to traumatic brain disease (TBD), his symptoms mirror that of dementia.

It may seem that I am painting a picture of gloom and doom, but that is not the case. I did not end up with the perfect blended family full of smiles and singing campfire songs. What I have is the perfect but imperfect family with adult children who are finding their own way in life just as my veteran and I are. The C(K) assndra's have turned out to be the most patient and helpful, which is a surprise to everyone. My middle daughter recently extended an olive branch and invited her stepfather to her upcoming wedding. Our youngest son recently drove out from Tennessee to spend two weeks with his dad. His willingness to help allowed me the freedom to fly to Maryland to go wedding dress shopping with my daughter. As our children have entered their mid and late 20's a new level of maturity and understanding of their dad/stepdad's disabilities have developed.

I do not foresee a day when all six children and spouses will be together in our home. I have given up on the dream of singing Kumbaya or even a family picture. A person could quite literally drive themselves crazy trying to create the perfect family, the perfect home, and the perfect life without success. I have learned to accept that life isn't meant to be perfect because I would miss out on opportunities to grow as a person. I enjoy and cherish every happy memory made, make every effort to learn from today, and extend grace to those around me, praying they will do the same.

Written by Justina Lyn