As military caregivers, we understand that our military deal with many stressors. As a society, when we usually think about our military, the words uniforms, guns, tanks, deployment, and war come to mind. As an overall view, those are all accurate depictions. However, those close to military members know there is so much more that impacts these military men and women. The military infiltrates every aspect of their lives. Military life is tough physically as well as mentally, and many are left with disabilities related to their combat experiences. That's when parents, siblings, spouses, and children come into being a caregiver for their disabled military loved one. What happens, however, when the caregiver needs a caregiver of their own? How does a disabled veteran handle the demands and emotional toll of caring for a loved one?
As military spouses, we experienced a lot of highs and lows during our spouse's military time. We've cried with them when they lost their comrades, felt our hearts sink when the phone line drops after hearing explosions, saw them give your kids one last hug before deploying, and felt the warmth of the first hug at their homecoming. We even get used to their warped sense of humor and hearing cadences sung throughout the house early in the mornings.
Our roles evolve as we take on the caregiver role. We hold them when they have nightmares. We feel helpless when they realize they have to give up their dream of being career military. We try to ensure our veterans feel needed as we have learned to cope with their absence with a new routine. We let them start projects that don't need to be done right away because it keeps their hands, as well as their minds busy. We attempt to empathize with their emotions, emotional distress, and physical pain, and try to push past the fact that our feelings are overshadowed.
PTSD, TBI, anxiety, depression, back injuries, chronic pain, nerve damage, physical deformities, and hearing loss become daily challenges. We become advocates for our veteran and stay hyper-vigilant because if we can head off panic or warn our veteran before something happens, that eases stress. Whether it be some leaves in the middle of the road, a car backfiring, fireworks, or a balloon popping, we know the panic that hits us instantly, causing us to find our veteran quickly to ease their mind.
Daily handling those stressors is a plateful that military caregivers experience. Caregivers are used to doing more than their fair share because their relationship demands it. Caregiver burnout is a common struggle when we forget about finding ourselves a support system or providing self-care while caring for our disabled veteran the best we can.
Now, imagine for a moment:
This was not the case. It was the beginning of my health journey.
PTSD, TBI, anxiety, depression, back injuries, chronic pain, nerve damage, physical deformities, and hearing loss become daily challenges. We become advocates for our veteran and stay hyper-vigilant because if we can head off panic or warn our veteran before something happens, that eases stress. Whether it be some leaves in the middle of the road, a car backfiring, fireworks, or a balloon popping, we know the panic that hits us instantly, causing us to find our veteran quickly to ease their mind.
Daily handling those stressors is a plateful that military caregivers experience. Caregivers are used to doing more than their fair share because their relationship demands it. Caregiver burnout is a common struggle when we forget about finding ourselves a support system or providing self-care while caring for our disabled veteran the best we can.
Now, imagine for a moment:
- you're stationed overseas
- you have a toddler and a newborn
- your husband is deployed to Afghanistan
- you have a rapidly growing brain tumor
- and within two weeks, you go blind
- emergency brain surgery (in a foreign country) is about to commence
Daily migraines, loss of vision, nerve disorders, Trigeminal Neuralgia (that has the nickname "The Suicide Disease"), kidney problems, gastroparesis, syncope, 11 surgeries... among many other health issues became my new normal. How could I be a caregiver for my disabled veteran spouse if I was disabled?
Through the years, my veteran spouse and I have adopted the motto, "We can do hard things." If we ever get overwhelmed, we remind each other we can get through anything as long as we do it together. Does it get unbearable sometimes? It sure feels like it some days. So, how amidst all the chaos that we call life, do we keep sanity and continue growing as a family?
If I knew, I would be famous for cracking the "Key to Life" mystery for which everyone keeps searching. My health declined quickly, and within eight years, I was found fully disabled, unable to hold a job any longer, and unable to drive. I fight my own body every day just to function, so I struggle daily, wanting to take care of my veteran instead of him taking care of me.
As the saying goes, "Marriage is giving each other 100% each day. Divorce is 50-50." However, when you are both disabled, some days are 150-50, or 200-0. Some days are going to be very lopsided. Whether it is doing household chores, taking care of kids, cooking supper, or running an errand, some days, one person ends up doing it all.
We remind ourselves that if we are completely drained and cannot function any longer for the day, our tasks will still be there for us tomorrow. We can do them later. Sometimes, prioritizing our life is the only way we can accomplish what needs to be done. First and foremost is our children. If we know we have a ball game or tournament to get to, it is our top priority to have enough energy to watch and cheer for our kids. Everything else can wait. We trade off throughout the day when one of us is too mentally or physically exhausted from chasing the 3-year old around, or our arm won't let us play baseball that day. I help the kids with English and Science. My spouse helps with Math and History because we are well aware of which subjects are our strengths.
While many would sit and give up on life because life just got too hard, we have four amazing kids that need us, and we will fight each day to give them the best life we can. They say struggles build character. Well, we have A LOT of character building in our home, but through our journey, we are realizing we are learning patience, compassion, and understanding. Our kids are getting great life lessons as well. They are learning not to judge someone because they "don't look sick." They are learning to be compassionate and helpful to others because they know what their parents go through daily. We are very open with our children about our health issues, and they know how to handle situations that may arise. We hate that we've had to explain all of these complex issues to them, but as many military caregivers know, it is imperative they are well informed. This reduces panic and increases their knowledge of how to handle difficult situations.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
If I knew, I would be famous for cracking the "Key to Life" mystery for which everyone keeps searching. My health declined quickly, and within eight years, I was found fully disabled, unable to hold a job any longer, and unable to drive. I fight my own body every day just to function, so I struggle daily, wanting to take care of my veteran instead of him taking care of me.
As the saying goes, "Marriage is giving each other 100% each day. Divorce is 50-50." However, when you are both disabled, some days are 150-50, or 200-0. Some days are going to be very lopsided. Whether it is doing household chores, taking care of kids, cooking supper, or running an errand, some days, one person ends up doing it all.
We remind ourselves that if we are completely drained and cannot function any longer for the day, our tasks will still be there for us tomorrow. We can do them later. Sometimes, prioritizing our life is the only way we can accomplish what needs to be done. First and foremost is our children. If we know we have a ball game or tournament to get to, it is our top priority to have enough energy to watch and cheer for our kids. Everything else can wait. We trade off throughout the day when one of us is too mentally or physically exhausted from chasing the 3-year old around, or our arm won't let us play baseball that day. I help the kids with English and Science. My spouse helps with Math and History because we are well aware of which subjects are our strengths.
While many would sit and give up on life because life just got too hard, we have four amazing kids that need us, and we will fight each day to give them the best life we can. They say struggles build character. Well, we have A LOT of character building in our home, but through our journey, we are realizing we are learning patience, compassion, and understanding. Our kids are getting great life lessons as well. They are learning not to judge someone because they "don't look sick." They are learning to be compassionate and helpful to others because they know what their parents go through daily. We are very open with our children about our health issues, and they know how to handle situations that may arise. We hate that we've had to explain all of these complex issues to them, but as many military caregivers know, it is imperative they are well informed. This reduces panic and increases their knowledge of how to handle difficult situations.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
We had so many answers to that as we grew up. I doubt any included becoming a disabled veteran caregiver with a lot of stress and experiences that we would never have imagined. Adding your health issues into the mix makes this caregiving thing a lot more complicated. I would not trade my life for anything, though. My veteran spouse and I need each other now more than ever. It's us together, through this crazy thing called life. If you remember to stay honest with each other on how you are feeling, be patient, know your limits, throw in a few sarcastic remarks every day, and prioritize your life, you, too, can do hard things and conquer them.
Written by Kasie Craft
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