And Then it Just Clicked...

As my family of 5 traveled in our mid-sized SUV up and out of the sweltering heat of the Florida sun, I could feel the cool air begin to refresh my creative energy. I could not wait to spend a whole week in the mountains of Georgia with other military and veteran families for a family-based retreat. We got closer and began to see some fall foliage. I was in my element again. I knew I was wide open and willing to receive any messages the universe had for me. I had pep talked myself numerous times, "Don't worry about what your spouse is doing.  You are only in control of yourself and how you react." I had to prep myself to not hold any expectations on how the week would go because whatever was to happen would happen with or without my internal dialogue turning negative on me and making it that much more difficult. I was done being my own worst enemy and I just really, really wanted to learn, grow and move on.

We spent a lovely 6 days and 5 nights connecting as a couple, and as a family. We are trying to change some traditions in our household. Things have gotten, well, sloppy, for lack of a better term. It was time to tighten up the ship so to speak. I know it was very important to my husband, so it was also important for me to be supportive. At the beginning of the week, my children had a hard time at the table in the main lodge where we all gathered to eat. They are ages 12, 6, and 4. My youngest two have gotten used to a much more lax eating style than I had intended to happen. I would let them eat picnic-style on the floor with a blanket and a movie on, rather than at the table. I noticed that it was bothering my husband and although it was "easier" for me - it didn't make it right! We really began to enforce this during our stay, and it was really impressive watching their manners change over the week.

It didn't occur to me as it was happening, but we were all changing a little bit. My husband and I attended a two-part class called The Oxygen Seminar, which empowers you with strategies to enhance communication, build empathy, resolve conflict and rekindle your romance with your spouse. It is meant to help each partner gain a better understanding of how your personalities impact your partnership, and how to better relate to one another. Out of 8 modules, we were instructed through 4, in a somewhat sped up time frame. Never having gone through anything like this before, it was interesting to participate and learn some things about myself and my spouse that I didn't know before, even after 10 years. I was, still, checking myself and making sure not to get caught up in what HE was doing, but rather what I was doing and how much I was taking from it. I was tuning into body language and facial expressions more. I was trying to maintain more eye contact.

Another class we attended was on understanding PTS. This is the class I had been waiting for. I need to better understand what my husband is facing internally in order for me to better change my reactions. When he doesn't share what he's feeling or thinking on the inside I have no way of knowing. The instructor let us all know that this class could potentially trigger some - they formed it in a way to make it less likely that could happen - but to be prepared. I could feel my anxiety heightening as I looked over at my husband and could feel his tension. I chose to again, check-in with myself.

We talked about two circles overlapping to make a section in the middle. The right circle is us, the left circle our spouse, where they meet in the middle being the relationship. This image stuck with me. The instructor stated how when looking at the circles if you are in a bad space your circle affects the relationship, which in turn muddles into your partner's circle. It was then that I realized something I had always known. I have my own circle, and he has his... he is responsible for his own trauma and pain, as am I. We needed to heal our own circles for our relationship to get better. I looked over at him, again, and he looked like he was drowning. I am so in tune with him that to anyone else in the room there sat a calm and composed man; however, I could see the room rushing with water for him. I had no idea WHY. It must have been something I did. No one else looked that way. Maybe I just didn't know them well enough? I was not sure; all I knew is that I needed a time out. I went to the bathroom alone to let a few tears trickle, wiped them away and got back to the room.

It wasn't until the next day at a couple's therapy session that I learned what was going on internally with my husband in that class. During the class, he shared that he recalled coming off of the plane from Iraq and being told that they all needed a debriefing on transitioning into the civilian world. How they were no longer in need of being/feeling threated. He told the PTS class that it caused him some intense internal struggle to come to terms with that debriefing. While he knew coming back to the USA was nothing like the places and things he experienced at war, he acknowledged that in a sense, it wasn't much safer. He recalled school and public shootings, and bad guys who wore the masks of good guys, right here in our back yards. There was another veteran in the class who refuted that the USA is NOTHING like the hell experienced in Iraq and Afghanistan. He went on some more, and my husband closed up. He felt misunderstood. There was a woman sitting next to him who continued to wave her hands around and this was giving him some anxiety. Before he knew it he was in a full-blown PTS attack. He spent the last few minutes of class standing in the back of the room on his 5th cup of coffee. I was worried. I was relieved to know that whatever look he had during that class didn't have to do with me, but mostly I was worried. I had no idea that those two things had gotten him so agitated. My thoughts started to trail, and feelings of hopelessness overcame me.

I stopped. I breathed...

 I kept the image of the circles in my mind. I requested that he work on sharing with me when he is feeling triggered. I want to be supportive, and I want to be the safe voice he hears when the PTS takes over. What clicked for me is that the weight of his wounds is not mine to carry. I needed to stop blaming myself. It was time that I look after my own circle because I was feeling the darkness carry over, and I wanted to keep a flicker of light, so I could see us both out of here.

They Also Serve

         

  “They also serve who only stand and wait,” wrote the poet John Milton in words he clearly meant in a religious context related to him coping with his blindness, but to others his famous quote conjures up images of spouses and other family members fretting about those in uniform far away – all too often in harm’s way. They too are serving our country and sometimes their service matches or even exceeds that of the ones on the front lines.

            To me, Milton’s lines refer to the spouses – most often wives – of service men who return from the battlefields in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria and other danger zones with missing limbs, massive burns, traumatic brain damage and all too often damaged psyches. We salute these wounded veterans, as is appropriate, but I think it also appropriate and long overdue that we should salute also their caregivers, usually their wives, who find themselves supporting their families and raising their children while at the same time caring for their damaged husbands.

            It should come as no surprise that many women facing this situation throw in the towel and sue for divorce. I have seen some disheartening statistics on the divorce rate among wounded veterans. But I have also seen many uplifting examples of wives who patiently work with their damaged spouses as they struggle to recover from terrible wounds incurred on the battlefield and never give a second thought to bailing out. And in truth I think those who have been hideously burned in explosions or who have lost legs and arms are relatively easy to love and care for than those who come back suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Often the victims of PTSD may bear little or no physical evidence of damage, but they are no less damaged on that account. They cannot sleep or get along with other people. They are all too often dependent on alcohol or drugs that serve only to exacerbate their condition.

            Many of those afflicted with PTSD find it virtually impossible to hold down a regular job and are often unreliable performing routine household chores such as performing basic repairs or taking care of children. For some reason, many of them hide out in their basements and refuse to answer the doorbell. Yet their wives must somehow keep the household going – earn the money, pay the bills, take care of the kids and also provide companionship and consolation to their damaged husbands.

            The term we use for these spouses – most often women – is caregivers and it is both appropriate and inadequate. Appropriate because that is what they do, but inadequate because it does not convey the cost and demands that such care entails. These women are no less heroic than their husbands, or less deserving of our appreciation and support. My organization, the Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes, has formed the Caregiver’s Alliance as an offshoot of our work to actively support those on the front lines of caring for the nation’s heroes.

            Simply stated, the mission of the Caregiver’s Alliance is to improve the quality of life for the caregivers of our nation’s combat-wounded veterans. We guide caregivers through all services available while identifying and filling gaps in those services, regardless of which organization is providing those services. We work with like-minded veterans service organizations (VSOs), government agencies and community initiatives to assure that the needs of caregivers are being met, both privately and publicly.  A key to our success is strengthening the care and compassion that caregivers share with each other, and to do all we can to support them.

            We have a leg up in this endeavor because many of the full and part time employees of the Coalition are themselves caregivers and thus know full well the scope of responsibility they bear on behalf of their husbands and their children. They know also that there is no set time limit built into their responsibilities. Their husbands may or may not make progress overcoming their impairments – physical and mental. They can expect little support from the government which makes periodic efforts to curtail the modest stipends some caregivers receive. The lucky ones have family support to ease their burdens, but that can vary and change over time.

            The wounded veterans do receive financial support and medical assistance, but at the end of the day most of their support comes from the dedicated caregivers. They are true heroes in their own right. They deserve our gratitude and appreciation and should be honored, along with their husbands, for their heroic service to our country.

By:

David W. Walker

President and CEO

Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes