I am...

I Am…
I am a caregiver, but that is not all I am.
I care for my wounded veteran.
I often play the role of both Mom and Dad.
I am the family taxi driver. I am the chef.
I am the maid.
I am Mom.

These job titles are important to me, but I have learned to make time for myself. This is what makes me the best version of myself for all who rely on me to be at my best. Over the last few years, I have learned how being transparent is allowing others to see and hear your story to help their story. I very quickly became okay with that. It fit my life motto of leaving someone better than you found them.  I hear other people's stories, and I can’t help to answer the little whispers Jesus places on my heart. However, I have been at a standstill on what's next for me. It is hard raising kids AND caregiving for a veteran whom to your unknowing eyes looks normal if that's even a word that could be applied.
Life is never going to be the same for us, and that is something I honestly am still working on. He went to war and it changed all our lives. It cannot be omitted from his or our timeline and cannot be done. This is something he will always have to face and work on which means it has equally changed us also. I know it is Christmas time where all is magical, and every day is like a snow globe, the perfect life... except it is not and just about every month someone keeps shaking the hell out of my snow globe. For a long time, I kept waiting for the storm to pass however it is never that long before the next is rolling in. Just long enough to catch your breath and feel winded again.

This year has changed me. This is the year it really sunk in that life as I knew it before was over. I know what you think..sad poor me... But, No.. not really. There are moments that life is tough and that's when I lean to my new family and friends. It is funny how many friendships you gather when you no longer keep guarded. It is the truth that there is a lot of darkness that follows in our environment. That is when I dig deeper and find new light. This storm is not passing but WOW! I'm aww struck that I have found beauty in it. It is placing me first.

At first it seemed selfish, but then I read about how Jesus rested, and he leads all. It was okay for me to replenish my soul without the guilt of being selfish. It is taking the first steps into something new and unknown as it is still storming. I did something I have never done before. I keep answering the little voices Jesus placed in my heart which is leading me down a path of all new adventures for myself, for work and just about everything else. This is something I would have never chosen to do on my own. I was a teacher. I loved it. Preschool to be exact and I still love that age (3-4 year olds).  I thought I could go back to it after Nathan got better.  Nathan is not getting better. In fact, he will need treatment that will take him away 3-9 weeks and my littlest already started school. Life is funny and often has a different plan from our own. I honestly have no idea what will happen next and that is ok. With Jesus as my lead, I have answered his first call to me. Surely it's an adventure into the unknown. What if I fail? What if it does not make enough?

Jesus said, "It's ok, just step."
I took that step as I lead two fundraisers myself. It not much different than an event if you have planned something like this before. Literally, before all the chaos of war aftermath- I lined up two events in one month to raise money for the Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes. I prayed to raise a set amount. I got nervous after the weather changed. I live in upstate NY so of course, you plan an event outside and it will rain, hail, and snow all day. And do you know what happened? At the end of the month, when both events were complete, I had made 38 cents more than what I had asked in prayer.

This was not about what money was made (all though that was a feel-good bonus). It was about answering a call that took me well outside my comfort zone during the storm. This is the year I stretched pass what I felt possible, the point one should break. I did not break. In fact, I bent and grew in more ways than I knew was possible.  I have met so many people who understand all the struggles I face and step in to help. I found a workplace that slowly showed me ways to get the break I needed after I took down my walls and let them in. Family comes in many forms and they are all very much just that for me. From the CEO, all the way down the ladder to transitional workers where I started. I applied for a fellowship that (fingers crossed) reminds me of a sentence I spoke almost 5 years ago... "This is not okay with me, I will take this fight all the way to DC if I must.” I hope I get that chance.

This is the year that yielded the greatest of blessings during the storm. So, as November ends, I am thankful for the storm that changed my path and grateful for the unknown because it's not as scary now.

Love and Laughter,
Melissa Johnson, HTH Representative, Veteran Caregiver