“It’s November, and I’m thinking About It”

The holidays can be an emotional roller coaster for some. Families coming together, the cost of gifts, hosting dinners, and trying to meet expectations can all aid in tension.

Pairing these stressors with trying to balance your military/ veteran home can feel close to impossible. Of course, the holidays are a stressor but for many of us, our families truly struggle during these times. While it feels like everyone is playing holiday music, smiling, and screaming at the rooftops "Happy Holidays!" it can feel not so happy for our veterans and their families.

For my veteran, the month of November triggers a specific event and the tragic loss of one of his Marines on deployment. My husband served 23 years in the Marines with 9 combat tours. Some days are better than others but November is a month I know he struggles with.

One thing we hold very important in our relationship is communication. Knowing November is a difficult month allows me to navigate our plans for the month and try to reduce un-needed chaos. When we talk, I don’t have to know details but I am always there to listen. My veteran can say something as simple as “it’s November, and I’m thinking about it” and that’s enough to let me know where his head is at that day. It helps guide me to know if he is upset or on edge, it has nothing to do with me or something I did, rather he is working through his emotions his way and it's not personally directed at me. I will often reply with “do you want to talk about it?” This opens the door for him to talk if he wants or allows him to sit w his feelings to process them independently.

Since November is difficult and brings up terrible memories for him, it starts his holiday season off with a feeling of sadness. As his wife, I try to recognize that I can’t make the memories disappear but I can help make new happy ones. I know what will make him smile and I do my best to ground him in the present when possible.

We all have triggers, sad memories, and bad days. Knowing you can lean on someone who cares goes a long way. In times of high stress and triggers with our veterans, it’s always good to remind yourself the moment will pass and lead with love and compassion.

Not everyone will understand what our veterans face, especially during the holidays, but we do. I set boundaries with our families during the holidays and make sure we are not pressured to meet unattainable expectations. We keep it simple so we don’t feel overwhelmed. Whether a family member likes it or not, this is what we do to assure the stability of our family, and have no issues standing firm with our boundaries.

The holidays can truly be a rough couple of months, but I hope that someone can relate and not feel alone. I hope that maybe some of our strategies can help others through the wild Turkey & Santa rollercoaster ride! 

❤️

Happy Holidays!