Today I find myself sitting in the quiet. Not even the sun
is up yet. So I am sure as you are reading this you’re wondering, "then why are
you?". In a little while I will watch the sun come up and feel its warmth on my face and I
will sit and enjoy a hot cup of coffee. This is my time slot. It is the only moment
of the day where I have time with no demands on me for myself. I have learned
that taking this time helps balance my soul. I now feel sun on my face and hear
the being of late spring with the echoes of baby birds. I know that after sending two of my kids to
school in a short while, and being home with the last one not yet old enough for
school, it is the only time the of rest of the day I will experience this. I do
not feel guilty taking these moments. I know my family needs me to be at my best most of the time. It
is not selfish, it is actually grace. I have the knowledge and wisdom to
recognize this. I am the single driving force that keeps everyone moving
forward. My job titles are many, however
lately I feel chaos coordinator, fits for most of it. I learned too quickly
how the mounting stress of being a wife, mother and caregiver to a house
struggling with the entirety of PTSD can find of way of seeping in at soul
level and effecting you in many ways. It has a way of sneaking up on you and sending that
“balance” sailing without any warning.
Balance is the key element for me to keep me functioning, and positively
moving forward to the next moment. For any of you reading this, it may be
something else. If I wear myself out, I am no good for anyone else, and they
count on me to be the best. I work hard and am very mindful of this. It matters
to all that I love dearly, and it matters to me. I have had moments where I
just float by, day to day. I strive to have moments that I really live, and still
love life, even in the mix of PTSD filling my house. The days are long and the
years are short. This one life I am living will in the end have legacy, love
and laughter that fills all of it expecially the difficult moments.
Recently I needed to get to the store. We are a
family of 5 with one car. Financially it is were we are, even thought it is very
tough with the hours of driving I end up doing to meet everyone needs. Someday
that will change, with a husband who has many appointments with his work and school, a teenager with school,
activities and sports, a kindergartner with school, a three year old with
appointments, library trips and parks to play as well as me to make sure all
our housing and food needs ect... are done can see to run smoothly how taxing as a
mom wife and responsible adult that is. As I wrote this I found laughter which
is the best medicine. God help us all if I lose my
humor. Finding the humor is what keeps you from sinking. And for me taxi is
what I feel like most days. This can be for a difficult for a "normal" family, in our very "not-normal" house sometimes
it is over whelming. Today I had one hour to get my son off the bus, leave
for the huge list of food that could not wait any longer, and be home so my
husband could leave for work. Yes
he has severe PTSD, but we also have a family and need health insurance, so until
something changes with a VA appeal or Med boarding, he has to work.
This is us, stuck in the
process of hurry up and wait, and it looks like another year will pass before we have the answers
we need, so another year of a one car household. That is at this moment the most
difficult obstacle to overcome. Sometimes on his good days, I
can leave the kids with him for about an hour. He said he was fine, he looked fine. Nothing about him showed any signs of a possible attack of PTSD. I left to tackle
the impossible. What he did not tell me was, that he wanted to leave 15 minutes
earlier so as that time approached he started getting anxious. He started
getting short with the kids. He texted but I left my phone in the car, I was
making it home on time then my phone beeped on the drive back. I read the text
at the red light. I immediately felt anxious myself, PTSD by proxy is a real
thing. Some may think that this doesn't exist or is a real thing, however the moment of an attack can
alter the rest of the day and night. I don’t always experience the side effect
from having a husband with PTSD, but I did at that moment. Not ever in my life up
until this year have a I had this feeling. Lucky for me I
know what it is and talk myself through it. I cannot let that take over so I don’t. I usually am resilient to feeling such things. I knew it was not going to be a good
situation. The kids were at the window as I parked. Tears
were running down their face as I came into the house and said that dad was mean dad. He paced and cursed back
and forth in the drive way. His memory isn't always that good and he thought he told me to be back sooner because he wanted to leave 15 minutes early, and then he dwells on it, I was not there when he wanted to
leave and his mind stays on it almost like repeat cycle. I calmed the kids
down, I had my 14 year old help me carry bags to the porch, and sent him on his
way. Letting him go on his way quickly is what is best for us all. He will calm down by the
time he reaches work 40 minutes away. In everyday moments life changes and
things happen, but for him, instead of being flexible he with
is now ridged because it's not in his plan and not in his routine. Nathan later apologized, but somethings unfortunately cannot be
taking back.
My kids experience PTSD through him and it effects each of them.
It affects them all in different ways. My youngest gets more clingy and whiny.
My middle child absorbs his moods. If he has a great day and is happy then he mimics that, if he has a horribly moody day my 5 year old son experiences that. When it's too rough, we leave and go find some other things to do. He has learned to
quickly let go of the negative emotions, and to move along in a positive way, and that helps him know that he is
gaining more control over and understanding emotions. My 14 year gets angry and
hates the way it feels so instead of hanging around with us she goes off in her
room, isolation helps her. She is much more involved when he is away because she
can count on those moments not happening.
I found family counseling with someone we all feel comfortable with
and understands war wounded veterans and PTSD. It can take 4 or more yerars to
find the right fit, so don’t give up, and it's okay to say this is not working and
change. I changed the set up to our
house to accommodate where we are at, at this moment and what people need
now. I made a great new look for my daughter to hang in her room. Downstairs on the lowest level of our three story town house, I
made great play areas that allows our littles to go and just be kids playing, muffling noise that would
otherwise bother Nathan. My husband has an area that is filled with what he
needs to keep calm or de-stress. And I have slowly been working on mine which is
a work space for my job in the Heroes thanking Heroes program as well as a quiet area to read,
think, or be by myself even for that one hour early in the am. I made different
spaces for the kids to de-stress in. I found uncluttered spaces really shift the dynamic to our home in a
positive way. I am up
early, and after that moment I will get everyone to bed and sleeping then burn
the late night fuel keeping up. It is very tiring. And most certainly affects
everyone. This situation was just one small glace at how an easy task can turn
into well a very unwanted moment. It took 2 more hours that night to calm them
down on a school night. Sometimes we end up if he does not have work leaving
the house to find something to do while he de-stresses. I have gotten very
creative in times like this, hikes, parks, friends, drives, and movies etc... In
bad weather it's much harder and often takes money that I should not be spending.
While on a budget it does leave that much flexibility for as many outings.
So far we have made it work. Being flexible is key. I am never afraid to take a
timeout for myself. To do so I place my kids with people who understand and will take great care of them. So
when I am away for a day, or a few days I can really calm down and focus. I cannot do that
is I am receiving text from my teen or worrying about them being okay. There is value in knowing this. I always feel
recharged from my very stressful life and they then get my best self which is
truly what they all need. Please if you are relating to this whether just a
“normal” life or one that mimics mine do not feel guilty for the time taking.
It is one of the best gifts that can be given. It will allow you to handle most
of the ups and downs and give them quality time which is what everyone craves
anyways. Happy Mother’s Day and for the caregivers I hope this heals your soul
as you find balance and flexibility.
Love and Laughter,
Chaos Coordinator Extraordinaire
Melissa Johnson
No comments:
Post a Comment